If Santa were gay
he’d make you call him Nick.
There wouldn’t be a Mrs. Claus
only a partner named Steve
who would only be Mr. Claus
In eight US states, Canada and
a handful of foreign countries.

Santa wouldn’t have a round belly
that shook like a bowl full of jelly
He’d have six pack abs
and a way more updated red suit
probably by Armani

Boots by Prada

The reindeer would all be fitted
with jackets from Martha Stewart pet collection
and the sled would be black
with sleek red and white racing stripes and
an optional retractable hood.

If Santa were gay
toys would not be gender specific.
The Barbie Doll would be given out to both
girls and boys. There would be a special
RuPaul Drag Race edition Barbie,
The Glee edition of the Ken Doll
and the leather edition of GI Joe

If santa were gay
all the bullies of the world
would get last years fashions as gifts
because coal is too dirty to mess with
and bad outfits are much worse anyway!

All the Scrooges of the world
would be visited by the ghost of Harvey Milk
to show them Christmas past and the bitchy drama queen
Ghost of Christmas future would come later on to get on their last nerve
until they donate some money to GMHC, GLAAD or HRC.

If Santa were gay
he wouldn’t care what your religion
as long as there was
Vodka,
a low carb feast
and friends and family
gathered round
singing show tunes
Til 4 am

And if Santa were gay the North Pole would
have…
12 personal trainers,
11 cabana boys
10 drag queens,
9 bar-tenders
8 massage therapists,
7 flaggers flagging
6 waxers waxing
5 singing divas
4 lesbians required
3 star-bucks
2 Century 21’s
and a domestic partner named Steve!