Once again inspired by Cleolinda Jones’ works (search the web for ‘m15m’), I’ve decided to try my hand at rewriting James Cameron’s “Avatar” as best I can just in case you haven’t seen it and want the basic gist in a package that’s about two hours shorter. It goes something like this:

JAMES CAMERON’S “AVATAR”
in 15… maybe 25… minutes
[Hopefully if you’re in a cinema you’ve gone to the toilet and secured a food source, ‘cause you’ll be sitting for a while]

The Movie Begins
[There is Outer Space. And a giant spaceship. And a giant planet….. In 3D]
Audience: Ooooooh!!!
George Lucas’ Lawyers: [Ready their pens, until they notice…]

[The planet is blue. In 3D]
Audience: Ooooooh!!!
George Lucas’ Lawyers : [Put down their pens.]

[It’s ‘Sometime In The Future’, and in 3D. Our hero is Jake Sully, a wheelchair-bound ex-marine whose brother was a scientist who was supposed to travel to Pandora, but his untimely death means that Jake is going instead. Jake occasionally lapses into an Australian accent for no readily apparent reason, and he’s now woken up after several YEARS in cryosleep.]
Jake : Seriously, how could you NOT wake me for the meal? Damn…

In Space above the planet
Audience: Ooooooh!!!

On Pandora
[The shuttle lands and discharges its passengers, who have put on gas masks due to the planet’s deadly 3D atmosphere. Jake notices a military presence completely out of proportion for a mining base. There are helicopter gunships, battlesuits, security dudes with machine guns, razor wire fences with sentry guns, and futuristic space ninjas. Well, you can’t actually see the futuristic space ninjas. But that’s because they’re really really good.….]
Audience: Ooooooh!!!

[Just then, a massive truck rolls past, its tyre festooned with a plethora of arrows from an unknown but clearly low-tech foe]
Jake Sully : Ah…. just like ’Jersey… [or Penrith, or Bristol, or Guangzhou -(adjust as required for various foreign markets)]

General Quaritch : [in exposition-friendly voice-over] Welcome to Pandora, where every plant, animal, and even the atmosphere, will kill you if you give it half a chance, and will do it in 3D. That tree over there? It hates you (in 3D). Those butterflies in the yard? Deadly. The balmy afternoon breeze? Carries a frikkin’ KNIFE.
Assembled Newbies : [go pale]
General Quaritch : You see the scar on my head? That happened when I tripped and fell on some Pandoran DAISIES.
One Newbie : [faints]
General Quaritch : On a more positive note: origami and flower arranging lessons start at four o’clock, and violin lessons are filling up fast. Make sure you sign up for those, they’re very popular.
Assembled Newbies : [file out]
General Quaritch: But when you’re arranging those flowers, remember: they WILL try to kill you [His voice fades out as people exit the room].

[Mildly freaked, Jake wheels himself into an open room filled with white ceramic and glass fittings and futuristic furnishings, touchscreen monitors and ergonomic designs]
Audience: Ooooooh!!!
Genius : This is the base’s Apple store. The Avatar Room is two doors down.

[Shortly later, Jake wheels himself into another room filled with similar stylings. He is accompanied by Norm, a geeky scientist]
Jake : [in exposition-fiendly voice-over] So apparently one of the nine-foot tall blue aliens floating in a tank over there is a blend of my twin-brother’s DNA and the DNA of the local intelligent lifeforms. My consciousness will be linked into it, but don’t ask me how that works. My concern is that unless there are a lot of flawless remote base-stations set up all around this world, the link could fail and my whole consciousness could evaporate and I’d die. I mean, you might think it’s pretty 5hitty when your mobile phone suddenly loses reception and drops a call, but this thing…?
James Cameron : That’s enough, Jake…
Jake : I’m just saying… the script is vague about this whole thing.

[The lead scientist, Sigourney Weaver steps out of her white iCoffin and immediately reaches for a cigarette]
Sigourney Weaver : So… you’re the sad excuse replacement for your PhD scientist brother, who had the temerity to let himself be killed before he got here.
Jake : Um, yeah…
Sigourney : Sucks to be you.
Jake : What, as opposed to…?
Sigourney : Curse you, and your obstinate attitude! I’m going to complain to Selfridge.
Jake : Awwww….. More exposition?
[Audience : Awwww…. More exposition?

The Evil Corporate Control Room. In 3D
Selfridge : [Is Corporate and Weaselly. And he plays golf]
Corporations : [Only care about money. And sponsoring golf tournaments]
Shareholders : [Only care about money. And buying golf club memberships]
Unobtainium : [Is hella-lucrative. And golf-ball shaped. Sometimes]

[We learn tha the Native Na’Vi population’s Hometree is located above the biggest vein of Unobtainium on the planet. And it’s blocking the approach to the fairway on the twelfth hole of the golf course Selfridge is designing]
The Na’Vi : [Don’t want to be forced from their ancestral homes]
Quaritch’s Army : [Is well-weaponed and itching for a fight, and have brought their own machine guns. And golf clubs]
Sigourney Weaver : [Wants to protect the natives]
Quaritch : [Wants Jake to gather intel to help him fight the natives. If it (cough) comes to that]

Audience : Look, can we just get to the part with the love story and the half-naked Native chick?
James Cameron : She’s coming, I promise.
Audience : Becaues we get it: Corporations are bad, Profits are bad, the Military is bad, and Golf is bad. The Natives are good, Science is good, and Nature is good. Jake Sully is military and torn between two worlds. But he’s good.
James Cameron : Yes, but Quaritch still has to offer him new legs as an incentive for co-operation. That’s in the next scene.
Audience : And after that…?
James Cameron : After that we start with The Pretty. I promise

The Pretty Starts Here
[Now in their Avatar Bodies, Jake, Norm and Sigourney Weaver are flown out into the amazing Pandoran jungle by Actress Michelle Rodriguez, the name of whose character I already cannot remember. Once they land, Rodriguez and the marines stay with the heli-chopper thing. Meanwhile the Avatars head out to explore, and Jake wanders off and harrasses the local plant life]
Jake : [Prods]
Fan-mushroom1 : [FOOMP-retracts]
Audience: Ooooooh!!!
Jake : [Prods]
Fan-mushroom2 : [FOOMP-retracts]
Jake : [Prods flamboyantly]
Fan-mushroom3 : [FOOMP-retracts]
Jake : [Unleashes a killer drum solo]
All the other Fan-mushrooms : [FOOMP-retract]
Hammerhead Rhinosaur hiding behind Fan-mushrooms: GRAAAARRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Jake : GRAAAARRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Hammerhead Rhinosaur : [backs down]
Jake : That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

However, behind him
Needle-toothed Pantherwolf : SHREEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!
Jake : Ummm…. Well, at least the fan-mushrooms didn’t try to kill me…

[A frantic chase ensues, in glorious, stomach churning 3-D. It’s so realistic that I pull out my Swiss Army knife keyring in a panic and swish it around wildly, sadly injuring the lady sitting in front of me. Sorry about that, ma’am. I give her my handkerchief to help staunch the blood flow, and the chase ends with Jake escaping by jumping off a waterfall, and the nice lady agreeing not to press charges]

Back at the helicopter, after hours of fruitless searching
Sigourney Weaver : Damnit, we’ve lost him [tear]
Norm : You do realise that Jake is perfectly fine – his body is back at the base?
Sigourney Weaver : I’m talking about his Na’Vi Avatar, you moron!
Michelle Rodriguez : You know, it surprises me that these things are so expensive that you’re paying the twin brother of a guy a fortune to fly half way across the galaxy to Pandora for six years, yet you never put a tracking device on it nor made a backup copy.

Back in the forest, lost and all alone…
[Jake sharpens a piece of wood into a makeshift spear and dips it into some kind of flammable tree sap while all around him there are noises of animals, plants and warm forest breezes ready to kill him. He realises his newly-made spear might turn on him and try to kill him, too… but what can he do?]
Jake : Hello? Let me out of this Avatar, please! Anyone?

[A gang of sharp-toothed Dachshund-Raptors encircle Jake]
Jake : Honestly, what is the carnivore to herbivore ratio on this planet?? [Readies defensive stance]
Dachshund Raptors : [Attack!!]
Jake : [Fights them off competently, but realises he is not going to survive this..]

Until…
[A nearly-naked blue-skinned Orc/Elf maiden from Lord of the Rings leaps out of a tree, shoots about twelve arrows before she even hits the ground, then does a somersault, swings a Klingon batt’elth in one hand and … I don’t know… a jai’alai scoop in the other, and kills about four dozen of the Dachshund Raptors while Jake still struggles to hold back the smallest, most puppy-dog-like one, from licking him to death]
Neytiri :[kneels down and puts the last dachshund raptor out of its misery before turning to Jake] You should not be here!

[Jake sees that Neytiri is a near-naked warrior woman who is, oddly, designed (by which I mean… “evolved on a totally different planet”) to be very attractive to human standards of feminine beauty]

Jake : Hey, baby, hey baby, hey!
Neytiri : [kneeling next to yet another dead dachshund-raptor, praying, then getting up with anger in her eyes] You caused this! [Tears]
Jake : So, uh.. do you cry like this for the vegetables you uproot for dinner as well?
Neytiri : This was your fault!!!
Jake : My fault in that THEY were trying to kill ME and YOU killed ninety percent of them??
Neytiri : But if you weren’t here, this wouldn’t have happened!
Jake : Baby, if the NA’VI weren’t here, we’d already have the Unobtainium and nobody would be dead at all. QED
Neytiri : [Pouts] YOU’RE a baby.

[Standard first-date anger-will-inevitably-turn-to-lust conversation ensues, as they wander through the bioluminescent and utterly gorgeous forest. The real question, though: whether the anger-inevitably-turns-to-lust model of human dating has any basis in real life, remains unanswered. Seriously, Cameron, I need to know…]

The Na’Vi Tribe’s Home Tree
[Having been intercepted by a hunting party led by Neytiri’s Tsu’Tay (who is inevitably Neytiri’s boyfriend), Jake is introduced to The Tribal Chief (who is inevitably Neytiri’s Father) and The Tribal Shaman (who is inevitably Neytiri’s Mother)]
Jake : [Starts to high-five the Tribal Chief] Wassup, future Daddy-in-law?
Tribal Chief : [Doesn’t blink, raises one eyebrow]
Neytiri : [Angry and/or Smouldering Glare]
Tribal Shaman : You know, I actually like this boy…
Tribal Chief : [Nods] Neytiri- You Will Teach Him Our Ways
Neytiri : [Murderous and/or Lust-filled Glare] Fine.
Tsu’Tay : [Reading through a script for Disney’s Pocahontas that somebody has left lying around] I don’t like where this story is heading at all…

Back at the Humans’ Base
[Jake wakes up in his iCoffin and is welcomed back to the rest of the scientists]
Sigourney Weaver : Is the Avatar safe?
Jake : It’s now sleeping in a fragile hammock about a hundred meters above the forest canopy, directly next to a Na’Vi Princess whose boyfriend is a skilled Warrior Prince who sees me as a threat, in a forest where probably even the sunlight bears a grudge….
Sigourney Weaver : Thank goodness. Here, have some coffee.

A few hours later, back at the Na’Vi Home Tree
[Jake wakes up back in his Avatar body]
Jake : [To himself] Between being in an Avatar body by day, and attending team briefings by night, will I be getting any sleep at all over the next three months?
Neytiri : Hey, you. Get up! Today we’re learning how to ride a six-legged buffalo-sized horse using a USB connection directly into its mind. I hope you got a good night’s sleep, because it requires immense concentration. And if you get it wrong….
Jake : …I’ll probably die. Just like with everything else in this place.

Some days later, back at the Human base briefing room
Jake : [To Quaritch] Okay, here’s what I know about the Home Tree. Support struts are here, here, and here. You’ll want to blow up all of those. Well… only if we can’t find a peaceful solution, of course…
Quaritch : Of course [looks shifty]. But forget about that, man! I want to hear about the nearly-naked Native Chick!
Jake : Yeah, she’s hot all right!
Quaritch : Awesome!!
James Cameron : Cut! There will be no depth to the Quaritch character, damnit. And even shallowness is a form of depth, so let’s take it from the top.

A short time later
Sigourney Weaver : To avoid any chance of further military [glares at Jake] influence, we’re moving our control room to the Hallelujah Mountains
Norm : [Excitedly] The ones from the trailer?
Sigourney Weaver : Yes!
Norm : [Excitedly] And the movie poster?
Sigourney Weaver : Yes!
Jake : [Cynically] The ones that have interference so massive that they interfere with any – and I MEAN ANY – signal trying to get in or out or around within a hundred kilometres?
Sigourney Weaver : Yes…
Jake : [Confused] So…. Uh…. How does the remote control signal link between the Avatars and our bodies work in among all that interference when not even military-grade radar can penetrate it??
James Cameron : [Hastily] Here, have some of the *Pretty*

Pretty Floating Mountains
The Floating Mountains : [Are pretty]
Audience : Ooooooh!!

Back at the Na’Vi Camp
Neytiri : Now that you’ve been with us for a few days, weeks and/or montage sequences, it’s time you learned how to fly a dragon
Jake : …Dragon?
Neytiri : We call them Banshees, but yes. And once you catch one, it’s yours forever.
Jake : Let me guess, I have to walk into a nest of them and they’ll all try to kill me just like everything else on this bloody planet?
Neytiri : No, actually.
Jake : [Hopeful] Really??
Neytiri : Most of them will leave you alone. Only the one who wants to kill you is the one you’ll be with forever.
[James Cameron : Relationship Metaphor!!]
[Audience : …What?]
Jake : … Do I really have to?
Neytiri : The walk is very scenic and will provide a lot of shots for upcoming trailers and award nomination reels.
Jake : …
Neytiri : And all the kids are going to want dragon flight playsets
Jake : …
Neytiri : And it will allow for flying banshee levels in the X-Bbox and Playstation game adaptations.
Jake : [Sigh] Oh, very well then.

The Hallelujah Mountains, later
[Jake and a bunch of other Na’Vi arrive at a stratospherically high cliff-face, and now climb along kilometer-long, scale-defying vines which are tying massive floating boulders to the ground. It is a stupendously impressive sight, and massive props for James Cameron’s visual imagination….]

Jake : If these are boulders of unobtainium, surely you could just fly mining ships directly to this area and drag them away like giant balloons, or mine from them directly? Rather (say) than waiting for a phalanx of bulldozers to take three months to trundle to the ancestral home of an indigenous tribe that you need to genocidally destroy just because some idiot didn’t notice the GIANT FLOATING LUMPS OF UNOBTAINIUM RIGHT HERE NOT BEING LIVED ON BY ANYONE!!
James Cameron : 2billion dollars worldwide box-office says You Can Shut Up Now.
Jake : Fine. Can I at least ask who or what refills the water that’s thundering from the giant waterfalls on the floating mountains?
James Cameron : [Grits teeth] No You Can’t.

A floating mountain eyrie
[Dozens and dozens of razor-toothed banshees are sitting on a rock-face, knitting, playing backgammon and basically minding their own business in a very calm manner on a lovely sunny day]
Neytiri : [Whispers] Okay, so basically you have to approach these unprovoked creatures aggressively and with a total sense of entitlement. Ignore any that fly away, and concentrate all your energy into defeating any of them that oppose you and who attempt to fight back.
Jake : That’s an uncomfortably close metaphor for what the humans are doing on your planet, if you think about it…
James Cameron : Jake? Last warning, dude.
Jake : Okay…

Moments later
Jake : [Catches a dragon!]
The Dragon : [Flies!]
Jake : [Flies!] I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD! WOOOOOO-OOOOOO!!!!!
Audience : Flying in 3-D? Worth the price of admission alone!!
Kids : Mom, can I have a Banshee when I grow up?
Moms : When you can bring yourself to enact an uncomfortable rape-metaphor on another living creature, certainly.

[A short time later, Jake and Neytiri ride their respective mounts and begin the beautiful dance of lurve in mid-air, in a way that I’ve never managed with a 1996 Nissan Pulsar (Red), and a vehicle driven by a particularly attractive native girl]
Jake : Woohoooo!!!
Neytiri : And since nothing has tried to kill you for the last ten minutes…. look up.

[A gigantic Dragonic Ostricheroptrix Prime, like a carnivorous zepellin to a sightseeing banshee hot air balloon, swoops overhead, looking for a mountain to sharpen its teeth against before it makes its next kill]
Jake : I guess there’s no point in asking whether it wants to kill me, is there?
Neytiri : None at all. RUN!! FLY!! FLEE!!
Jake : AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!

[Luckily, they escape and make it to the safety of the jungle floor, their racing hearts and thundering hormones and the musk of the rainforest jungle and bioluminescence making for a heady mix]
Berndt2 : [writes in journal] Near-death experiences…. must try out on the ladies…
Jake : I… ah…. Wow….
Neytiri : Ummm…. Yeah. Woah.
Jake : And that flying thing is also what that giant skeleton overhanging the Chief’s Throne is?
Neytiri : Yes. Only five people, five champions, five legends have EVER captured one of those Ostricheroptrixes, and only in the most direst times for our people
Jake : I think I should probably write that down for future reference.
Neytiri : You should. But while I’m currently still overcome by hormones, I’ll just lead you to the Romantic-o-Forest.
Jake: What’s the Romantic-o-… ? … Oh!!

[Moments later, they have “TH3 S3X”]

Back in his Capsule in the remote outpost
Jake : [Wakes up] Woooo!!!
Sigourney Weaver : [Looks up from a microscope, cause like, she hasn’t noticed the readouts of Jake’s elevated heart-rate and brain activity or heard sounds of movment coming from Jake’s iCoffin for the last hour or so] May I ask what happened?
Jake : Uh…. nothing. Nothing at all…
Sigourney Weaver : [awkwardly uncomfortable]

[Incidentally, ZOMG: In the script, Norm and Michelle Rodriguez TOTALLY GET IT ON AS WELL!! How did that not make the film? Seriously, Cameron, can’t skinny, geeky guys EVER cut a break in major action films? Gah…]

The Next Morning, in the Forest
[The sound of ominous loud rumbling wakes Neytiri from her comfortable slumber next to Jake. The sound she hears sounds something similar to half a dozen four-storey uber-bulldozers hacking their way mechanically through the forest. And that’s because it is, and because they are]
Neytiri : [panicked] Jake! Wake up!!
[But Jake is still in his ‘human’ form back at the remote outpost, having breakfast and updating his facebook or twitter status or something]

Neytiri : JAKE!!!
Jake : [five minutes later]. [Wakes up] Wassup?
Neytiri : LOOK!!!
Jake : [Sees the bullozers] Aw. Shit. Totally forgot about those….

[Insanely, Jake puts himself in front of one of the Uberdozers in the belief it might inspire the human operators to stop]

At the Human base
Remote Uberdozer Operator : [guffaws]
Selfridge : [puts down his golf club, and presses on the forward button] We proceed…

[The Uberdozer restarts its trundling. Jake is upset and jumps atop it, smashes a couple of CCTV cameras but otherwise does no damage. It does provide Quaritch with a picture he can later identify Jake from, though. (D’oh.) Jake and Neytiri rush back to the Hometree to warn the Na’Vi]

Meanwhile, the 5hit is going down at the Human Base
Quaritch : [Has now set the photo of the Jake Avatar destroying a CCTV camera as his desktop theme] Get me a heli-chopper – I’m putting an end to this Avatar Program.

[A short time later at the remote outpost]
Quaritch : [Unplugs Jake, Norm and Sigourney Weaver] You rebel scum.

At the same time, at the Na’Vi Hometree
[The three Avatars collapse just as they were talking to the Na’Vi about the imminent arrival of the mining bulldozers]

Back at the remote outpost
Jake : Dude, what the fu…? [gets smacked on head and falls unconscious]
Quaritch : [To Jake’s inert body] I was going to give you new legs, man! Why would you choose a virtually indestructible carbon-fibre body…. a hot girlfriend…. and a flying pet dragon… over new legs? Oh, wait. [Pauses]
Soldier : Sir?
Quaritch : I probably should have increased my offer.

Back at the Human Base
Quaritch : You bastards forgot whose side you were on!
Sigourney Weaver : You mean the genocidal, profit-mongering, chicken5hit cowardly, bomb-from-afar side?
Quaritch : Okay, sure. But baby, who do you think paid for your research?
Sigourney Weaver : People who did it because they thought a diplomatic solution was preferable to butchering women and children, but have now decided that murder is the better option?
Selfridge : [Slightly uncomfortable]
Quaritch : [Calmly] I can minimise casualties.
Selfridge : [Hesitates]
Quaritch : They live in trees. They wear loincloths.
Selfridge : [Hesitates some more]
Quaritch : THEY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF GOLF!!
Selfridge : [Hesitates briefly] Screw ‘em…
Quaritch : Boom-time!!
Audience : Wooohoooooo!!!! [Uncomfortable pause] Well, it’s what we paid money to see, right?
James Cameron : [Rolls up sleeves] Absolutely.

[The war machine slides into action with an ease and efficiency that suggests this whole thing has been planned since, oh, about five minutes after a remote probe first found Unobtainium reserves on Pandora fifty years ago. Or well before James Cameron figured out the backstory required to support this battle scene and the even longer one at the end (oops… spoiler)]
Quaritch : [Into his comm mike] Get me a mocha latte. And make it to go.

[Back in the control room, Jake makes an appeal to Selfridge’s better nature]
Jake : Selfridge, right now I hate you so much I would happily drag my useless body over there and headbutt your kneecaps to death. But would it be too much of a stretch to let us WARN the Na’Vi they’re about to be firebombed into oblivion by a war-mongering psychopath?
Selfridge : [Thinks about the possible lawsuits from survivors, his shareholders, his career path… his golf swing]
Jake : Selfridge! Focus!
Selfridge : Fine. You’ve got one hour before Quaritch arrives. Do what you can.
Jake : An hour? Quaritch’s coffee will be all cold by then… he’ll be pi55ed.

[Jake and Sigourney Weaver hastily have themselves plugged into the Matrix and their Avatars regain consciousness]

At the Na’Vi Home Tree: A Very Angry Tribal Meeting
Jake : Hi guys, I’m back!
Neytiri : [Seething] Those bulldozers were on their way the whole time! When were you going to tell us, A55HOLE?
Jake : [Contrite] Yeah, my bad.
Neytiri : [Still Seething] If you’d told us at any time prior to today, we MIGHT have been able to move ourselves and our possessions to a safe location, but now we stand to lose EVERYTHING!!!
Jake : [Downcast] Yeah.
Neytiri : WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL US??
Jake : ….
Neytiri : I can’t believe I SLEPT WITH YOU!!
Tsu’Tay : Oh, snap! Oh, wait….. this happened in Pocahontas as well. I really shouldn’t be surprised…
Jake : You know, if this entire Hometree is your connection to Eywa or the lifestream or whatever, and the whole planet is a neural network ten-to-the-power-of-ten-to-the-power-of-ten connections, with every tree linked to every other tree and linked to every lizard and scorpion …. how the hell did YOU not know a moving scythe of half a dozen four-storey bulldozers has been rending a path of devastation across Pandora for the last THREE MONTHS???
Neytiri : [Has no answer, and looks to her father for reassurance]
Tribal Chief : [Contrite] Yeah, my bad.
[Everyone goes quiet]

Jake : So… you guys wanna be evacuating right about now?

[Everyone hesitates for about forty five minutes]

Tribal Chief : I have come to a decision.

[Everyone stops]

Tribal Chief : Tie the Humans’ Avatars up and kill them.
Jake’s Avatar : [facepalm]

The blood red sky of Pandora
[A battalion of bomber-helicopters menacingly glides like sharks towards the towering Hometree, led by Quaritch in his flying fortress battleship. Reaching a suitable distance, they hover in formation, creating massive downdrafts that whip the air and leaves and dirty into a swirling, ominous maelstrom]
Quaritch : Start with a generous measure of tear gas.
[The ships fire canisters of teargas]
Quartich : Add a light sprinkling of missiles…
[The ships switch to missiles and launch them at the base of the tree, where they hit the vital support struts. Michelle Rodriguez decides at this point she wants no more of this, but even so the gargantuan Hometree topples, and in agonising scale-defying slowness plunges into the ground in a devastating explosion]
Quaritch : And finally, garnish with incendiary devices to taste..
[The debris is firebombed]
Quaritch : Well, I’m starving. Who’s hungry?

[The battalion moves off, the sound of explosions and rotors slowly replaced by the crackling of fires and the wailing of natives]
The Audience : [Tries to figure out whether being a harmless telesales agent or product manager for a multinational corporation necessarily makes you complicit in crimes against humanity.]

[The answer is PROBABLY]

Some time later, back at the Human’s Base
[Jake, Norm and Sigourney Weaver are in a jail]
Jake : I wonder if I’ll still get the new legs Quaritch promised me….
Norm : ??
Jake : No, really. The Na’Vi hometree was annihilated because of the Intel I gave Quaritch, and Quaritch said the new legs were already on their way. Do you think he would really be so petty and shallow as to not give them to me when they arrive, just because I switched sides when it didn’t make a difference?
Norm : … [does not answer]
Jake : I think he’ll give me my new legs. I really do.

[A short time later, Michelle Rodriguez wheels a gurney of food into the cell bay]
Guard : Wassup?
Michelle Rodriguez : Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.
Guard : Really?
Michelle Rodriguez : [pulls out gun] No. Not really.

[Michelle Rodriguez, Jake, Norm and Sigourney Weaver make their escape from the Human Base via Rodriguez’s helichopper. The Control Room registers the unauthorised take-off, and Quaritch, outraged, does one of the coolest, most awesome things in the whole film, but because he’s evil it will never be acknowledged]

[Quaritch storms out of the control room, grabs a machine gun and walks UNPROTECTED onto an elevated walkway into the noxious atmosphere of Pandora, exposure to which will render you unconscious in twenty seconds, and fires the machine gun accurately, at a moving helicopter, without wearing a gas mask. Then, when the machine gun runs out of bullets, he calmly pulls out his service revolver and continues firing until an aide finally comes out and gives him a gas mask. He evenly breathes in the fresh oxygen, and glares at the departing heli-chopper]
Quaritch: Motherf&&kers…

[In the Heli-chopper]
Sigourney Weaver : Check it out. Human blood on my stomach and hand. [Pause] Oh, wait. I’m not in an Avatar body right now. Crap!

In the depths of the Flux Vortex
[Michelle Rodriguez uses her heli-chopper to relocate the remote base building deeper into the Flux Vortex, where military grade scanning will not work due to interference… but the remote control Avatar base stations apparently will. It’s also close to the area knowns as ‘The Well of Souls’ which is where the dispossessed Na’Vi will congregate, and where any final battle if there is one will be fought]
Norm : Sigh…. I don’t know if Sigourney Weaver will last much longer, and the only people who can help us are also the ones who wanted to kill you both just a couple of hours ago. And that was BEFORE our species destroyed their Hometree. Also, their new chief is probably the dude who hates you because you stole his girlfriend.
Jake : [Gulp] I think I have an idea…
Norm : So do I- it involves surrending to Quaritch, returning to Earth and opening a 24hr convenience store that specialises in greeting cards…
Jake : [Considers this] Okay, but let’s do my idea first and see where that leads us.

A little while later, at the Tree Of The Well of Souls
[A gigantic shadow passes across the congregated Na’Vi who are disconsolately chanting and wailing over the loss of their hometree. It’s sad, sure. But seriously? This is why decentralised cloud processing is a good thing. If you have a one-way hotline direct to your deity/lifestream/Eywa, you need redundant systems to protect against a single point of failure like a Hometree. Every device should connect to Eywa, not just one big tree. I’m just saying, because I back up my photos on multiple harddrives].

[Anyway, in the midst of their anguish, the Na’Vi look into the sky and their panic increases as they realise it is the shadow of the Dragonic Ostricheroptrix Prime. That is, until they realise Jake has CAPTURED and TAMED it!!]

Jake [In exposition-friendly voice-over] : I knew that if I was ever going to get back to the tribe without being killed, I’d have to change the rules. And if that means one thing, it’s that if somebody is complicit in the genocidal destruction of a culture’s sacred heart, they can gain forgiveness through a suicidal act that only a desperate madman would try. [Turns aside]. Really, Mr Cameron? REALLY???
[He lands]
Neytiri : I see you, Jake! [hugs him]
Tsu’Tay : Props on the mondo-impressive dragon, dude!! [high-fives him]
Jake : Ummm. Wow. I totally stand corrected.
James Cameron : Told you
Jake : And now that I have your immediate respect, could you save the life of Sigourney Weaver?
Neytiri : Wait.. your friend was dying, but rather than simply asking us for help, you engaged in a suicidal act that risked not just your life but hers?
Jake : Ah. Oh. Uh… could you?

[A Giant Nighttime Dance Rave ensues. As a scene, it’s a bit embarrassing and hippy-tripping, like that part in Matrix Reloaded when there’s a ten minute dance scene where everyone gyrates to Moby and Fatboy Slim. Still, it raises the tantalising possibility that a human’s consciousness can be permanently relocated into an Avatar body….I wonder if that will end up being relevant? Oh, and Sigourney Weaver sadly doesn’t make it]
Tribal Shaman : Damn. Sorry about that.
Jake : But if you’d had more time?
Tribal Shaman : For sure.
Jake: Then maybe later I could….
Tribal Shaman : Well, assuming we don’t all get nuked to death by your warmongering general first…
Jake : Oh. Right. Well, could we do it now?
James Cameron : [Checks script] No. You should rally the troops for the final battle.
Jake : Oh, very well.

[Jake steps up to a naturally high-acoustic podium and starts to speak while Tsu’Tay translates].
Jake : Ladies and Gentlemen. I know none of you have ever watched the movies of the late 1990s and early 21st century Earth. But in many of them, there was an inspirational speech at the darkest hour. Mel Gibson in Braveheart. President Whitmore in Independence Day. That other dude in Armageddon. I think Ed Harris even did a pretty good one in Apollo 13 and there was probably one in ‘300’. Of course, you haven’t heard of those movies and you don’t know what they’re about. But they all boil down to one thing.
[Pauses]
Jake : FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!
The Na’Vi : [Are Very Impressed]

[Insert inspiring musical montage, as all the other Tribes of Na’Vi around Pandora are convinced to assist, and make their stand at The Well Of Souls.]

[And you know what? It. Is. On.]

[Like Donkey Kong]

Meanwhile, back at the Humans’ base
[What Quaritch Doesn’t Say]
Quaritch : Let’s assume where the bad guys. It’s true. We’re butchers and murderers. And now our enemies are mobilising against us. However there is one natural law left to us: the inalienable right to preserve our own lives. We can not be forced to lie down and die. Yes, we blew up their tree and we’re going to mine the unobtainium under it. As long as they now leave us alone, we’ll endeavour to do the same. But if they try to attack, we will defend what we’ve taken and defend our own lives.
Assembled Crowd : [Nod sagely, and agree there’s little alternative.]

[What Quaritch DOES SAY, effectively]
Quaritch : Pre-emptive Airstrike bombing raid! Shock and Awe attack! Annihilation! Fight Terror With Terror! DESTROOOOOOOY!!!!
Assembled Crowd : YEEEEEE-HAAAAAW!!! [They whoop, holler, cheer, high-five, wear overalls, drink their cans of Budweiser, fire machine guns wildly into the air… and so on]

[Ah, humanity..]

THE FINAL BATTLE, LASTING SOME THIRTY MINUTES
[NB. This battle cost enough money in computer graphics to give every remaining embattled indigenous tribe on Earth an X-Box 360 and a portable generator for network play]
.
[In Summary, it goes something like this]
Giant Flying Military Armada : RUUUUUMMMMMBLLLLLLLE
Giant Superbattleship : [Is filled with explosives, which will be dropped onto the Well Of Souls]
Giant Supershuttle : [Is filled with ground troops and battlesuits. Wait… wasn’t this supposed to be a bombing raid? Why would there be a ground assault? Surely that’s the one battle the Na’Vi would actually probably win??

Quaritch : Yo, could we spend less time thinking, and instead fly a bit faster? My coffee’s still a bit lukewarm…
Pilot : We’re starting to get interference from the Flux Vortex…
Quaritch : Not really caring about anything but my coffee right now.
Pilot : Roger that.

Jake : [Asks the Well Of Souls for help] (??)

Forest Battle : BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! [People die and Na’Vi die. More Na’Vi than people, though]

George Lucas : Aw, you’ve got a forest battle too?? Come on, my Return of the Jedi AT-STs could totally take your AMPsuits…
James Cameron : B1tch? Please….
George Lucas : And my Ewoks could totally take your Na’Vi!!
James Cameron : .. Now you’re just embarrassing yourself.
George Lucas : I don’t understand why everyone always underestimates the Ewoks. They’re the undisputed apex predators on their forest world!
James Cameron : Whereas my nearly-naked native chick has naturally occurring carbon-fibre nipples.

…
Geoge Lucas : [whimper]

Back in the film
Aerial Battle : SWOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHH! [People die and Na’Vi die and their Banshees die. More Na’Vi and banshees than people, though]
Explosions : BOOOOOMMMM!!
Machine Guns : RATATATATATATATAT!!!!
Banshees : SKREEEE!!!! [Many, many die. But mathematically, if this is a numbers game, you’d kind of back them to win it in the long run]
Giant Superbattleship : [Is about two kilometres from the Tree Of Souls and the decimation of the Na’Vi’s spiritual heart]… [Oh, yeah. That]
[More Na’Vi die]
[More Banshees die]
[More gunfire and explosions]

[Tsu’Tay dies around about this time, although he manages to kill several people on the payload bay of the plane preparing to drop the bomb]

[I guess that makes Jake the new Chief? These primitive tribes really have bad succession plans, if so]

[Neytiri’s Banshee is hit and she crash lands in the forest, in a part of the forest where Na’Vi on horseback are fighting marines in a forest battle]

[More Na’Vi die]
[Things are looking grim]
[Neytiri is about to attempt to ambush half a dozen military guys in what will likely be a suicide mission when—-]

In the Forest
Ampsuit Trooper1 : Hold on… I’m getting massive lifeform readings ahead
Ampsuit Trooper2 : What IS that??
Ampsuit Trooper1 : A plot device of some kind?
Ampsuit Trooper2 : Whaddaya mean?
Ampsuit Trooper1 : You know how at the end of Final Fantasy VII, the planet listens to the pleas of the dead lady who died, and is convinced to mobilise the Lifestream to use the planet’s energy to intervene against an external threat?
Ampsuit Trooper2 : That reference is almost 200 years old, but yes…..?
Ampsuit Trooper1 : Well, I think James Cameron might have played that game.

[And this is what happens. The wild animals of Pandora move with a singular purpose – on the ground they trample, stampede, and in the case of the carnivores shred and obliterate the human aggressors. Meanwhile, in the skies, huge flocks of wild flying dragons without riders move as if commanded by a guiding force and attack the shuttles, choppers and flying battleship]

[But of course, only the main good guy can defeat the main bad guy. Hence Jake urges his Dragonic Ostricheroptrix to attack the giant flying battleship Quaritch is on. Jake tosses some (human) grenades into some kind of vital fan belt, mortally wounding the battleship]
Quaritch : F&&K!!

[Quaritch runs into the cargo bay, partially ON FIRE, gets into a battlesuit and bats out the flames while jumping out of the crashing ship before it impacts the ground. He lands heavily but gets up, pi55ed as hell, and notices that the forest clearing he landed in contains the large portable uplink site where Jake is.]
Quaritch : My fleet is lost. And my friends on the forest moon will not survive. But here’s an opportunity for some cheap vengeance. Brilliant!
Neytiri : Get away from him, you b1tch!!
Quaritch : An ‘Aliens’ reference? I love that film…. Let’s dance.

The Final Showdown (Part 1)
[So, it’s Quaritch, a trained General in a beweaponed Ampsuit he handles with the finesse of a trained warrior-monk VS Neytiri, an Amazon warrior princess atride a Needletooth Panthersaur defending her lifemate. By all rights, this should be even better than Anakin vs Obi-Wan in Star Wars Episode III. Sadly, it’s not. That’s because of course Jake also needs to fight Quaritch so you know Quaritch has to win this fight
Quaritch : [Wins] Woohoo!

[He is about to kill Neytiri when…]
Jake : Get away from her you B1tch!!
Quaritch : Over-use will lessen the impact of that quote. But fine, let’s play…

The FINAL SHOWDOWN. (Part 2)
[So, it’s Quaritch, a now slightly injured general in a beweaponed Ampsuit he handles with the same finesse as a trained warrior-monk VS Jake, a vengeance filled trained marine in an Avatar body, defending his lifemate. By all rights, this should be even better than Anakin vs Obi-Wan in Star Wars Episode III. Sadly, it’s not because of course Quaritch still needs to blast Jake’s cryo-tube, so that Neytiri can save him

[Quaritch blasts a couple of rounds into the uplink building. Quaritch stands over Jake’s inert Avatar, ready to destroy it when…]
Neytiri : Get away from him, you B1TCH!!
Quaritch : Sure, whatever…

The FINAL FINAL FINAL SHOWDOWN. (Part 3)
[Yawn. By all rights, this should be even better than Anakin vs Obi-Wan in Star Wars Episode III. Sadly, it’s not because Neytiri does it with two arrows fired while Quaritch is distracted
Quaritch : So [cough] very lame. [Dies]

The Wrap-Up
[Neytiri knows Human Jake is exposed to the poisonous Pandoran atmosphere and will die in minute. She finds him and gently places an Oxygen mask over his face. He begins to breathe. The Na’Vi and the Human see each other with their own eyes for the first time. It is very emotional. Then again, I haven’t been to the toilet in six hours and I’m feeling very emotional about a lot of things at the moment]

The Human Base
[The humans are captured and led aboard the shuttles that will take them off Pandora and away from the Na’Vi]
Jake : Unless my keen knowledge of humanity is wrong, there is almost no chance that these people will get back to Earth, tell everyone a biased version of these events, which will result in a huge upsurge in military recruitment, after which a battlefleet will be assembled to nuke this planet from orbit a couple of years from now.
Neytiri : Wait… what?
Jake : That totally won’t happen, probably. When humans are humiliated, they don’t bear grudges. We’re fairly evolved that way.
Neytiri : …
Jake : But if I’m wrong, the Na’Vi would be totally screwed. Unless of course the Banshees can fly out of the atmosphere and Na’Vi can breathe in a vacuum so we can have a space battle with dragons and lasers and stuff.
James Cameron : _Slow down, Jake… I’m writing this down for the sequel… this is good stuff…

[Cash Register Sound]

[THE END!]

The Audience : WOOOOOH!!! [Then quickly rushes to get out of the cinema before the Leona Lewis closing credit song starts]

With thanks to James Cameron, who thankfully can’t unsign my journal which he autographed at the premiere in London!