Continues from The Shatner -Era Star Trek Films in approx 15mins
So, yeah, after six original-cast Star Trek films, you may recall there were another four Star Trek films which starred the Next Generation crew. Were they any good? Well… ummm… one was!
Star Trek : Generations (psst! not this one)
[Star Date : The Future. But, seventy eight years earlier]
Kirk : So, notwithstanding the underlying plot of rescuing some refugees I’m currently engaged in, realistically I’m just here waiting for some kind of energy ribbon to swallow me up, right?
Energy Ribbon : RRRAAAAAAAARGH!
Kirk : Eeek!
[Star Date : The Future. But, seventy eight years later]
Picard : So…. The Next Generation Crew have finally got ourselves a movie of our own. Outstanding!
Riker : Sure is. Any sign of a plot for us to sink our teeth into?
Picard : We’re still waiting on that. But it’s been nearly a century since Kirk was swallowed by an energy ribbon, so we can stand to wait a bit longer to find out what happened to him. And since we’ve got time, let’s watch Worf get his promotion to commander on a replica sailing ship… on the holodeck
Riker : …
Picard : …
Riker: And that’s the most exciting thing we can show the audience?
Picard : Apparently so. At least until we show them the new astrophysics lab
[A couple of days later]
Picard : Any sign of that plot, Mister Data?
Data : No, sir.
[A few hours later]
Picard : Mister Data, let’s find somewhere dark and mysterious. The plot is probably going to be hiding there
[A short time later, the Starship Enterprise-D descends upon a dark Klingon space station]
Picard : Sigh. Nothing here, plot wise. Mister Data, please turn on your emotion chip so at least somebody is feeling a sense of tension in this film
Data : Yes, sir
Picard : Are you scared and tense, Mister Data?
Data : Yes, sir
Picard : Excellent.
Data : Sir, I’m picking up a life sign.
Picard : Oh look! There’s a old guy. Hello, have you seen a plot anywhere, good sir?
Dr Soran : Yes, I believe I have
[They return to the ship with Dr Soran]
Dr Soran : Basically, my story is that I want to get myself into the energy ribbon that swallowed up Kirk all those years ago. I was there when it happened, because I’m really, really old
Picard : Why do you want to get swallowed up by the energy ribbon, though?
Dr Soran : Personal reasons.
Picard : Very well. Go with my blessing
Dr Soran : Thanks. The plan is to get that sun over there to go supernova and destroy that solar system, creating a gravity well to attract the energy ribbon.
Picard : Okay … not so much with the blessing, then. How about finding an uninhabited system and making their sun go nova? I wouldn’t care, then.
Dr Soran : But since I’m already here…
Picard : Well, yes. But you’ve waited over seventy years – what’s a few years longer?
Dr Soran : Yeah…
Picard : Or hire yourself a spaceship and travel to the ribbon rather than nuking an inhabited solar system to get it to come to you.
Dr Soran : … Umm… sure. Look, still, a crappy plot is better than waiting around doing nothing!.
Picard : On behalf of the audience, I can’t really argue with that. I will have to stop you though.
Dr Soran : Okay
[Dr Soran gets off the ship and begins to enacts his cunning multi-pronged plan, which involves kidnapping Engineer LaForge and placing a transmitter on his glasses so that when he’s returned to the ship he can get the Enterprise’s access code which he gives to a nearby Klingon Bird of Prey which can then blast through the Enterprise’s shield and destroy it while down on the planet the Doctor sets off some missiles to destroy the sun to attract the ribbon to the location of the planet]
Picard : Dude… is that the best plot you could come up with in seventy eight years of planning???
Dr Soran : .. come to think of it, it is rather clunky. But I’ve done all the leg-work for it, so I might as well give it a shot
[The plan works]
Picard : Damnit!!
Klingon Bird of Prey : pyoo!
EnterpriseD : BOOOOM!!
[The enterprise crash lands on the planet while Picard becomes trapped in the energy ribbon. Somehow]
Picard : Ummm…. What the hell is this place?
Kirk : Hey, old man. Wassup?
Picard : Captain Kirk of the Enterprise??
Kirk : Yo
Picard : I’m Captain Picard of the Enterprise…. D.
Kirk : I see…
Picard : So the deal is, if we can get out of this energy ribbon, we can stop a mad scientist from blowing up a solar system for the express purpose of attracting this ribbon we’re in. We’ll both be heroes!
Kirk : Wait, you can get out of this ribbon?
Picard : What, you never tried?
Kirk : No…
[They exit the ribbon at a point in time just before the missiles are launched at the sun…]
Kirk : It occurs to me that, perhaps we could have dropped me off back in my time?
Picard : I hadn’t thought of that, actually
Kirk : Or perhaps we could have given ourselves more than five minutes to stop this guy?
Picard : I hadn’t thought of that either, actually
Kirk : Or we..
Picard : Okay, I know, okay?
Kirk : …
Picard: A wise man once told me that a light plot is better than no plot.
Kirk : Who was that?
Picard : The bad guy over there trying to blow up the sun
Kirk : I see…
[The Rush at Dr Soran]
Kirk and Picard : [fight Soran]
Kirk : [Dies]
Kirk : [Cough] Bummer..
Kirk : [Dies]
The Missiles : [Are stopped]
The Enterprise-D : [Still Crash-lands on the planet]
Nobody else : [Dies]
Dr Soran : Wait… not even me?
Dr Soran : [Also dies]
Dr Soran : Bummer…
Dr Soran : [Dies]
[A short time later, at the Enterprise-D Crash Site]
Riker : Sorry about your ship. The Enterprise D was a good one
Picard : Lots more letters in the alphabet
Audience : Ahahaha… (wait. That was it? Lame!!)
William Shatner [On the way from the cinema to the parking lot] : FYI, I’m already planning to write a book myself, stating categorically that Kirk does NOT die in this film (“The Return” by William Shatner, published by Simon and Schuster, 1996)
Star Trek : First Contact (the good one)
[Somewhere in space]
Picard : [Wakes from dream sequence] The Borg! They’re back!
Audience : Even-numbered Trek film! Woo!!
Picard : Well, thousands of people stand to die in this film. But I appreciate the enthusiasm.
[A short time later, the dream is shown to be true and the Borg really are back. His prescient dream is explained by the fact that Picard was once mutilated by the Borg and this accounts for his latent connection to them]
Starfleet : Picard, because you’re the only captain who has really had any experience with the Borg, we consider you to be too much of a risk to put into the battle with them. Head way over that way and stay out of it
Picard : I guess that makes sense since the latent connection could be used by the Borg. But what about the rest of my crew, who actually have experience in fighting and defeating the Borg. Don’t you want them?
Starfleet : Eh… don’t call us, we’ll call you..
[Predictably, the massive assembled Starfleet is totally decimated by a lone Borg Cube, which picks its teeth with their wreckage before heading in the general direction of Earth]
Picard : Okay, Starfleet. How about now?
Starfleet : [static]
Picard : I’m taking that as a ‘yes’
Riker : Set course for Earth!!
[The huge remnant fleet placed at the Earth Sector is being systematically annihilated by the Borg Cube. The Enterprise arrives, Picard takes charge of the battle, and the Borg are defeated in about two minutes]
Dead Captains of Starfleet : …. [Are still dead, but their spirits are unimpressed that their deaths might have so easily been prevented]
[Just prior to exploding, the Borg Cube ejects a small spherical probe which heads towards Earth. Some kind of technobabble-bubble forms around the sphere, and as it slowly dissipates the Earth appears to become borg-ified]
Riker : Time travel!
Picard : Thanks for the exposition, number one. Quick, let’s get into that temporal wake and try to stop them!
Half of the audience : Woo! Time Travel!!
Other half of audience : [Rolls Eyes] Sigh Time Travel…
[The Enterprise pops out of the temporal wake to find an Earth that has recently been decimated by civil war and has not yet discovered warp travel. The Borg are nowhere to be seen]
Picard : So, they change the future somehow…
Riker : …
Data : …
Audience : … Well, obviously.
[Picard has a plan]
Picard : Let’s go down to the planet and check things out. Remember the rules – don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, don’t do anything and Riker, do not have sex with your hot-looking great-great-great-great-great grandmother.
Riker : [glowers] fine..
[Five minutes later, the ship’s Counsellor Troi is drunk in a bar with Zefram Cochrane, the man who invents warp travel]
Cochrane : You’re hawt, babe
Troi : Thanks!
Riker : Oh, I get it. If the Borg were to stop him from…
Audience : Yes, We Get It
Riker : So we just need to make sure that…
Audience : Yes, We Get It!!
Riker : Yeah, it is pretty obvious.
[Meanwhile, we learn that the Borg from the Borg Sphere have beamed on to the Enterprise and have started forming their own hive on board, using assimilated crew-members to ultimately destroy the ship on the surface which… ]
Audience : We Get It!!!!!!
[Riker stays onboard the ship to try to defeat the Borg, who have already started converting the crew with their mad new assimilation skillz and are busily invading more decks]
Riker : Hmmm…. pretty much the worst thing that could happen would be if they assimilate our android Lieutenant Data. You know, given he’s a droid and much smarter than all of us and with better access to our various systems
Data : [Is kidnapped by the Borg]
Riker : Damnit.
[Meanwhile, Picard and some key crew members shadow Zefram Cochrane to ensure the old drunk remembers to invent warp travel in between his drinking and womanising]
Zefram Cochrane : Why do you guys keep following me?
La Forge : Because you invent warp travel, dude
Audience : [Facepalm]
La Forge : Oh… right. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that.
[Meanwhile, back on the ship]
Riker : We’re losing control of the Enterprise!
Picard : I’m coming back up.
Riker : Because…?
Picard : That way I can bring back a stowaway from the past and we can bounce exposition at her so the audience knows what’s going on
Audience : BUT WE ALREADY GET IT!!
Riker : Excellent. Well, I’ll head down to the planet, and…
Picard : Okay. But first, Riker, repeat after me: I Will Not Have Sex With My Hot-Looking Great-great-great-great-great Grandmother
Riker : … I’m sorry, Captain. You’re breaking up
[Back on the planet]
Zefram Cochrane : Wait… now you two guys from the future want to come with me on the first ever faster-than-light warp trip?
Riker : yep!
La Forge : totally!
Zefram Cochrane : And this will avoid changing the future how, exactly?
La Forge : Dude, Riker already had sex with his hot-looking great-great-great-great-great grandmother earlier today. At this point the preservation of some of history’s minor points is kind of moot.
Zefram Cochrane : Whaaaaat???
Riker : [Sheepish look] In my defence, she was way hot.
Zefram Cochrane : I understand.
[So, back on the ship..]
Picard : We have to self-destruct the Enterprise. Even if it strands us here in the past, it’s the only way to stop the Borg.
Lily the token person from the ‘present’ [less distant future]: The Borg? Sounds Swedish
Audience : Ahhahahahahahaha
Lily : But Picard, you can’t blow up the Enterprise? What about all your friends they’ve assimilated?
Picard : Those crew members are all dead….
Lily : But didn’t your old crew rescue YOU from the Borg when you’d been assimilated? Surely you can do the same to all the crew they’ve converted into Borg. You know, bring them back?
Picard : Well, I could go back and rescue Lieutenant Data, I suppose…
Lily : But he’s a robot! What about the PEOPLE?
Picard : You’re absolutely right. Stay put, while I go to save Data!
Lily : ??
[In the Borg Hive on board the Enterprise]
Borg Queen : Welcome back to us, Locutus of Borg
Picard : Yes… I remember you from when I was a Borg
Star Trek Fans In Audience : Funny that we do not…
Borg Queen : I suppose you want to save your crew?
Picard : No, actually just the robot
Borg Queen : ???
Picard : Look, do what you want with the crew, just give me back the robot and I’ll even join you in his place
Lieutenant Data : I’ve been Borg-ified too now, captain.
Picard : Oh. That kind of limits my leverage in this negotiation
Data : He will make an excellent drone…
Audience : [goosebumps]
Borg Queen : Excellent idea. And look : humanity’s first faster-than-light spaceship has just taken off from the planet. Data – prove your loyalty to me and destroy it before it hits warp!
Data : Oke-day.
Picard : No!!!!
Data : [Fires torpedoes]
Torpedoes : [pyoo!]
Torpedoes : [converge on ship]
Torpedoes : [Continue to converge]
Torpedoes : [Closer]
Torpedoes : [CLOSER]
Torpedoes : [CLOSER!!!!]
Borg Queen : [Narrows eyes]Wait a second….
Torpoedoes : [THEY MISS!!!]
Data : GOTCHA!
Picard : WOOHOO! Warp drive coolant liquid smash!!
[Warp coolant splashes everywhere]
Borg Queen : Nooooo!! [Dies]
All the Borg : [Die]
Picard : [Panting] So, Data… How long until the Enterprise’s warp drive explodes without the coolant to cool it down?
Data : Hmmm…
Picard : We’re screwed, aren’t we?
Data : Given warp coolant is not readily available in this time period…. yes
Audience : We didn’t think about that!
Picard : Let’s quickly go down to the planet before the audience catches on
[Their warp trip completed, Zefram Cochrane, Riker and La Forge return to Earth and later that night an alien craft, which noted the flight, lands and initiates first contact with the human race, observed at a distance by the Enterprise crew. The emissary is a Vulcan]
Audience : Oooooooh!
Zefram Cochrane : Are any of you female? You all look hawt!!
Picard : [Observing from afar] : First contact. It’s a beautiful thing.
[The crew on earth return to the ship]
Picard : Woohoo! We saved Earth
Riker : [smiles]
La Forge : [smirks]
Troi : [beams]
Data : [robot-grins]
Worf : [smiles growlingly]
Picard : And even though we lost three quarters of our crew, who were hideously butchered by the Borg, or shot by their own fellow crew members under direct orders from me, or were melted by warp coolant unleashed by me personally, if nobody objects I say we cue the happy music and the closing credits!
Riker : But how do we get back to the future?
Picard : We just do the reverse of whatever we did to get here, I guess…
Data : Wouldn’t that require a Borg sphere?
Picard : …
Riker : …
La Forge : … zoom around the sun in the opposite direction?
Audience : …
Picard : Cue the happy closing credits music!
Audience : YAY!!!
Star Trek : Insurrection (the long, bad one)
[A small disregarded planet in the boondocks of space is bathed in a radiation that endows its small pre-warp civilisation with incredibly long lives]
Starfleet : We need that planet!
Picard : Uh…… Prime directive?
Starfleet : …. Bummer.
Bad Guy : I need that planet!
Starfleet : … well, we certainly don’t want HIM to have it. Stop him, Picard!
Picard : Only if you promise you won’t move in and grab it anyway afterwards
Starfleet : [Crosses fingers] We promise…
Picard : Very well then
Audience : Yawn
[Picard travels to the planet to help the natives, falls in love with one, we learn the population isn’t actually pre-warp, the planet is attacked, we learn star fleet intends to kidnap the population and house them in a holodeck replica of their planet without their knowledge, we learn the bad guy is actually a person of the same race who has aged massively since he left and wants to return, and then Riker exposes the traitors in the federation and blows up their ship and the bad guy’s ship is destroyed and the bad guy’s crew are welcomed back by their brethren and…]
Audience : It was odd-numbered and was always going to suck….
Star Trek : The other one that’s not called Insurrection
Audience : It’s an even-numbered Trek. That means it’s got to be good… right?
Paramount Pictures’ Marketing Department : Well… we called it “NEMESIS”
Audience : Oooh!
[Somewhere on the planet of Romulus, the entire senate is murdered by a biological bomb blast]
Audience : The Romulans are traditionally bad guys, so somebody who opposes the bad guys would have to … be….?
Main Bad Guy Shinzon : … even Worse, in this case
Audience : Ooooh!
[Meanwhile, elsewhere, Riker is about to marry his longtime love, counsellor Deanna Troi, aboard the Enterprise]
Picard : As ship’s captain, it is my privileged duty to…..
[A plot development intervenes]
Picard : Yes, well, be that as it may, I have decided it can wait.
[Plot twist skulks off for half an hour, muttering to itself]
[A short time later, on a Mad Max desert planet, the remains of a robot replica to the android Commander Data are discovered]
Picard : What are the odds of that?
Data : Approximately eight million, seven hundred and thirty three thousand to one against
Picard : My kind of odds…
Data : In other news, we’ve been asked to speak to the new leader of the Romulans, a man whose spectacular coup now sees him in charge of a massive empire
Picard : So Riker’s wedding and the discovery of your replica’s remains are…
Data : Tangential to the plot at best
Picard : Very well. But I’m sure your spare body will come in useful at some point?
Data : Almost certainly, Captain
Audience : …. It’s been an hour. This IS an even numbered star trek, right?
[Shortly after, Picard meets with the new Romulan overlord on his massive bird of prey starship. The overlord is in a huge stateroom on the ship, but stands hidden in the shadows throughout, timing his appearance to the part in the Jerry Goldsmith soundtrack that portends his Momentous Reveal]
Picard : You’re a clone of me!!
Shinzon : Yes, and I am dying. For this reason, I will steal your DNA and destroy Earth as revenge for the thing with the place and the guy and all the suffering and beatings and violence I was put through at the hands of the evil Romulans whose empire I now control.
Picard : Come again?
Shinzon : …
Picard : ….?
Shinzon : Okay, the gist of it is : I am dying, and therefore I will destroy Earth.
Picard : Well, or I could just give you a DNA transfusion and cure you. That way, nothing needs to get destroyed at all.
Shinzon : ….you’d do that?
Picard : Well, it would nullify what little plot this film has, but if it saves lives I’m willing to go there
Shizon : Really?
Picard : Yeah… the franchise is strong enough to survive it.
Shinzon : … but… isn’t this an even numbered film?
Picard : … yes.
Shinzon : [Tears] But sadly..
Picard : What?
Shinzon : I kind of already had the newspapers on Romulus pre-printed announcing the destruction of Earth, so I’m kind of committed to doing it.
Picard : Awkward
Shinzon : Tell you what, the weapon with the blahblahblah beam pointed at Earth takes at least six hours to properly warm up. That should make things interesting and give you a chance
Picard : Hmmm….
Shinzon : What are you thinking?
Picard : I’m thinking that if only I had a spare android to sacrifice himself to save me after I kick your dying ass and destroy this ship and need to get beamed off using a personal point-to-point emergency transporter I could…
Shizon : [Realises that this is proceeding too quickly for a six hour countdown so downgrades it to twenty minutes]
[Time ticks away]
Shinzon : [Waits a further eighteen and a half minutes] Yeah, but you only have one android, and I’ve never heard of an emergency point-to-point transporter.
Picard : [Wakes up from dozing] What? Oh. Well, nonetheless, I shall now commence beating the crap out of you
Picard : [Beats the crap out of Shinzon]
Shinzon : You just beat up a dying clone of yourself, captain. Well played.
Riker : [Rams the enterprise into Shinzon’s ship, which begins to fall apart]
Picard : Riker! Dude, WTF?
Riker : Oh. You were winning that fight?
Picard : Yes! [Sigh] Fine. Just beam me out of here…
Riker : I … uh… broke the transporter in the collision. My bad.
Picard : Well, that kind of SUCKS
Data : I’m here!
Picard : Excellent. Let’s get out of here. Did you remember to bring the emergency point-to-point transporters?
Data : Yes – here it is
Picard : ‘It’? You didn’t bring two??
Data : … Oh. Right. Well, I could beam back to the Enterprise and get a second one
Picard : You had SIX HOURS!!
Data : …
Picard : SIX HOURS!! And now there’s not enough time left.
Data : Well, here. You take it and you bring back another one.
Picard : …
Data : …
Picard : …
Data : …
Audience : …
Shinzon’s Ship : [Continues to explode]
Picard : I’ve forgotten what it was you said.
Data : What I said was..
Picard : … there’s nothing I can do. And it sucks that if you die we’ll lose a major cast member and the actor who plays him won’t come to any of the premiere parties anymore
Data : What, you’re not going to try to save me? Neither you or any of the crew of geniuses have any idea what to do even though we’re standing here and talking to each other?
Picard : ….
Data : Well, if you’re not going to beam away and bring back another emergency transporter and save me, ….there’s always the clone version of me. The same actor could play that character’s role…?
Picard : [Facepalm]
Audience : [Facepalm]
Picard: Well… that’s settles it! Catch ya later, Data!
Picard : [Transports away]
Data : [Robot Tear]
Audience : But… but… EVEN NUMBER TREK FILM!! LAME!!!
Commander Sisko : Deep Space Nine movie, anyone?
Paramount Executives : Not so much….
Commander Kathryn Janeway : Star Trek Voyager movie, anyone?
Paramount Executives : Not so much….
[Some time later]
JJ Abrams : Guys? I have an idea for a new Star Trek film
Paramount Executives : Still not interested. Who are you?
JJ Abrams : I’m the guy who directed the TV series Lost and Alias, and directed the films Mission Impossible III and Cloverfield!
Paramount Pictures : Dude, it’s 2002. What the hell are you talking about?
JJ Abrams : Oh. Right. Well, I’ll make sure To be back seven years from now
[The End / To Be Continued]
Star Trek VII – X (Generations, First Contact, Insurrection and the other one) summarised for your convenience, in script form.