About six months ago, a friend challenged me to follow up my attempts at emulating the very excellent Cleolinda Jones by writing my interpretation of the latest Star Trek film. Given I’d already done Star Wars as a 15minute movie, Transformers as a 15minute movie (288 views and no comments yet – eek!), and the not yet posted Batman Begins, Star Trek (the Shatner Era films) and Star Trek (the Picard Era films). It took me six months (at which point I finally saw it a third, then fourth time)
Here’s my take:
Stardate : The Future (Past)
[In the middle of space, a giant wormhole opens. Which, if five series and nine movies of Star Trek are anything to go by, is a completely normal phenomenon. You really can’t live a life in ‘the future’ and not have your great-great grand children come back and try to kill you, or have some kind of alien fleet from even further in the future drop by not knowing where they are and what time it is… ]
[So… a gargantuan starship exits a wormhole. It doesn’t matter what the purpose of this ship actually is, but the overall aesthetic is: Do Not Mess With This Ship. It is huge, it has spikes, it has prongs, it has teeth, it is stealthy jet black and… wait…. it’s a mining ship?? Well… that’s gotta be one EVIL mining ship, then]
[It is approached by a small starfleet vessel, the USS Kelvin, whose design aesthetic whimpers ‘puny and ineffective’. And whispers it very softly
Evil Black Mining Ship : BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Puny Starfleet Vessel : [Splinters]
Audience : Umm.. just how heavily armed does a Mining Ship need to be??
Random Miner : Gotta protect against space pirates, man.
[Aboard the USS Kelvin, exploding consoles and flying sparks do their thing]
Captain Doomed : Yeah, that’s not good..
[The USS Kelvin receives a viewscreen phonecall from the captain of the other ship, whose name is NERO. His face has a sickly blue/white/green tinge and is covered in aggressive tattoos.]
Captain Doomed : Message to crew: the office sweep on whether a random alien we’ve just met is good or evil is suspended for this encounter, as it is clearly obvious. [to captain Nero on the viewscreen] May we help you and/or request that you please stop shooting at us?
Captain Nero [whose accent is, incongruously, Australian]: G’day, yeah mate. I’d ask you what year it is, but for suspense I’m going to ask you to take a shuttlecraft over to our ship to tell me. Come alone. And bring a newspaper. With today’s date on it.
Captain Doomed : … you could possibly use the internet and find out what today’s star date is?
Captain Nero : … or I could just continue firing on your little ship?
Captain Doomed : … very well. Mr Kirk, you’re in charge over here.
Audience : oooh! [shiver]
[Several minutes later]
Kelvin Comms Desk : They’ve killed Captain Doomed!
Captain Kirk : Everyone Abandon Ship!!
Audience : oooh!
[Several moments after that]
Captain Kirk : Sickbay, how’s my wife and my soon-to-be-born son doing?
Kirk’s Wife : AAAMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Sickbay : Given our ship is under attack by a vastly superior vessel whose captain has just executed OUR captain, whom they’d invited aboard to negotiate a ceasefire, did you want me to deliver a long-term prognosis on your wife and son’s chances?
Captain Kirk : ARGH! EVACUATE THE SHIP!!
Sickbay : Don’t you think the enemy will target the escape craft….?
Captain Kirk : I’M NOT LISTENING!!
Audience : Wooo….oooh?
[The giant evil mining vessel continues to do massive amounts of damage to the USS Kelvin. To give the escape shuttles a chance, Kirk decides to stay onboard and pilot the ship directly at the enemy craft in a suicide run]
Captain Kirk : I love you, darling
Mrs Kirk : It’s a boy!
Audience : Tear
Soundtrack : Noble whimper of awesomeness
[Meanwhile, on board the evil mining vessel]
Minion : Sir! The ship is being flown right at us at full impulse power!
Captain Nero : [Braces for impact, while musing…] You know, in all the years of space- and land-based combat, it strikes me as odd that nobody has ever figured out a way to stop the suicidal use of a vehicle as a battering ram. If only the technology existed to utilise some sort of beam to move large objects aside, or a kind of shield that could prevent projectile impacts…
[The USS Kelvin smashes into the large mining vessel causing massive but not fatal damage]
Injured Minion : [cough] … you mean like a tractor beam or a deflector shield?
Captain Nero : [Wipes dust off suit] Do we… did we have either of those onboard?
Injured Minion : But of course, sir
Captain Nero : [Facepalm]
Star Trek Fans In Audience : [Facepalm]
Captain Nero : Well… we’ve got time. Let’s make some repairs and come back in a few decades.
Stardate : The Future (present)(ish)
[Many years later, a ‘futuristic’ petrol-powered convertible car from the 1960s is being driven among Iowa cornfields while the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” from the 1990s plays, and a young James T Kirk accepts a call from a Branded 3G mobile phone designed in the very early 21st Century. If you think about this in the context of ‘The Future’, it’s kind of like he’s driving a horse-drawn carriage and listening to a Bach concerto on his gramophone in The Present Day]
Kirk’s Friend : wassup?
Kirk : I’m about to drive a car off a cliff!!
Kirk’s Friend : why?
Kirk : To provide a sequence for the trailer, and show what a rebel I am
Kirk’s Friend : ….
Kirk : Yes?
Kirk’s Friend : I’ve forgotten why I even called you…
Kirk : For the Mobile Phone product placement
Kirk’s Friend : But of course. Well, catch ya!
Kirk : ’bye!
[The car is driven off a cliff and Kirk gets busted for speeding, as well as probably theft, driving without a license, dangerous driving, property damage, disturving the peace, environmental damage, negligence, and illegal dumping.]
Stardate : The Future (ten years later)
[The next time we see Kirk must be years later when he’s out of prison or something. Anyway, he’s in a bar]
Kirk : Gimme a beer
Uhura : [Walks past, looking hawt]
Kirk : You look hawt
Uhura : Thanks, uncouth farmboy
Kirk : [proves he is awesome by utilising his innate William Shatner-ness]
Uhura : I concede that you are somewhat awesome. However, I already have a boyfriend
Kirk : I’ll take him on!!
Uhura : Dude, he’s over there with, like, six of his friends
Kirk : Bring it!
Uhura : And you think this will impress me how, exactly?
Kirk : Eh, who knows. Either way, it’ll be fun
[Kirk does some damage initially, but eventually gets about six shades of sh1t punched out of him. As per Kirk’s brilliant strategy, Uhura’s boyfriend and goons take their retaliation against an uncalled-for manipulative aggressor slightly too far, thus raising an element of sympathy in Uhura. Is it really this simple to manipulate girls? I’m just asking because I want to know…. Anyway, Uhura departs with her boyfriend leaving Kirk lying bloodied and hanging over a table]
Captain Pike : Hi, I was just over there watching you getting beaten up and I was very impressed
Kirk : I’m flattered, but I really don’t swing that way
Captain Pike : What? Oh. Right. Even so, I think you’re the kind of person Starfleet needs
Kirk : A guy who’ll take on six people, totally unprovoked, just to impress some random girl he just met, and rightly get beaten to a pulp for it?
Captain Pike : Erm….
[Insert about ten minutes where he considers his next word very carefully]
Captain Pike: … yes.
Kirk : Okay. I’ll think about it.
Iowa Cornfield City
[The next day, Kirk realises that he really has no option but to try something new, otherwise he’ll just get beaten to a pulp by a different bunch of people in a different pub until he either one day gets killed or runs out of pubs. He therefore rides his rebel-bike to the sign-up tent in a paddock and gets on the first flight into outer space]
Captain Pike : I knew you’d do the right thing
Kirk : I t wasn’t too hard a decision – there are only six pubs where I live. [Finds a seat on the shuttlecraft]
McCoy : Hi, I’m Bones, and I’m a doctor, and I’m not a [insert anything not doctoral]
Kirk : Ummm. Sure. Hi.
Stardate: The Future (Another three years later)
Kirk : I’m taking the Kobayashi Maru test again!!
Star Trek Fans In Audience : Oooooooh!
McCoy : The what now?? What are you talking about? What are the Audience “oohing” about?
Kirk : It’s a…
Star Trek Fans In Audience : It’s a no-win scenario simulation that all Starfleet cadets are put through!
Kirk : Yes, that’s right. And what’s more….
Star Trek Fans In Audience : …Kirk beats it by cheating!
Kirk : Who ARE you guys? Anyway, umm… yeah.
[Kirk proceeds to defeat the unbeatable simulation by acting calm, cool and insufferably casual, having reprogrammed the enemy ships in the simulation to more or less spontaneously combust instead of presenting him with utterly certain preprogrammed death]
Captain Pike : [observing] Hey, Spock. That guy totally pwned your simulation!
Spock : I am prevented by my Vulcan upbringing from being angry, so I guess I’ll have to be intrigued instead.
Stardate : The Future. A short time later, in an Assembly Hall
Admiral Dude: We have called every single one of you in here, to take you out of your classes, deny you your lunchtimes or study, just so we can publicly talk about how one of you cheated. Yes, cheated. In a school. That’s right – cheated. And we’re not dealing with it in private, and we’re not giving the accused advance notice, we’re not even going to look behind the scenes to figure out how and what was done. No, we are charging the student with cheating right here in public and investigating later in private, and we’re just going let all of you have your time wasted by whatever random outcome this hearing has, which is completely pointless because the student is automatically punished with suspension until the outcome of the investigation, which has not yet begun, is established…
Kirk: [Stands up] None of that makes sense. But fine, it was me.
Cadets : GASP
Kirk: But I just want to know what whiny, snitty, childish, petulant starfleet programmer had his feelings so badly hurt by me beating his program, that the only way to stop them from crying with irrational jealousy at how awesomely brazen I am and how easily I managed to outdo their years of painstaking work, was this public forum.
Spock : [Looks fairly uncomfortable and tries to not make eye contact]
Capt Pike : [Hee!]
Spock : [Standing up] Ummm… That was me. But you missed the point of the test.
Kirk : Which was?
Spock : To show that Captains should accept their destiny.
Kirk : You mean to die if a program says they should?
Spock : Ummmm…. Okay, maybe not that. But the point is to experience fear.
Kirk : …. as in, rather than overcome it?
Spock : Well….. Ummm….
Capt Pike : I hereby move that unless a federation planet is threatened with total destruction, this hearing will continue and Spock WILL have to answer this most amusing series of questions from the accused.
Admiral Dude : Agreed. However, it pains me to announce you all that I’ve just received a message informing me that the Vulcan homeworld is experiencing a planet-threatening seismic gravitational storm…..
Capt Pike : Oh, come ON!!
Spock : [Makes sure nobody is watching, then lets out a sigh of relief. Oh wait. That’s his home planet… oh no!]
[The entire hearing disbands and students are assigned to join the fleet to rush to the Vulcan homeworld].
Kirk : So… what happens next? I’m cleared, right? No? Oh, come ON!!
Mobilising For War
[McCoy, taking pity on the stranded Kirk, injects him with a virulent disease, which according to some obscure Starfleet code, allows him as Kirk’s doctor to legally take Kirk onboard the Starfleet flagship, the USS Enterprise]
Kirk : And in a time of war? … yet cheating to win a war simulation…. Is…. Somehow… WRONG?
McCoy : Hmmm.. Well, at least you’re getting the hang of the William-Shatner-as-Kirk enunciation thing.
Kirk : And now I can’t feel my eyebrows. Is that normal??
Out in Space
[The Enterprise hits warp a couple of minutes later than the rest of the fleet because Sulu left the parking brake on, which is both a humorous interlude and allows Kirk to spend the time running around the ship to find Uhura and bring her to the bridge with him, to put forth the theory that it’s all a trap and the gravitational anomaly is being caused by the Romulan mining ship that destroyed the USS Kelvin all those years ago]
Kirk : It’s a TRAP!!
Capt. Pike : And you know this how?
Kirk : …
Uhura : Because he was sleeping with my flatmate whom I announced the anomaly to .
Capt. Pike : Well, that’s good enough for me. Oh, and I love your proactive thinking there, Kirk!
Kirk : Umm…. No worries!
Capt. Pike : Red alert and battle stations! Take us out of warp!
Out in Space – Near Planet Vulcan
[The Enterprise drops out of warp to find only the debris fragments of the decimated fleet floating in space. Aboard his ship, the Evil Capt Nero notes the arrival of this new vessel, but recognising the name of it, orders his crew not to fire upon it. He makes a call…]
Reception : Captain! You’re being hailed!
Capt. Pike : Put through the call
Nero : Yeah, g’day mate – how are ya doing?
Capt. Pike : How am I doing personally, or how am I doing when viewing the destroyed ships of my fleet all around me?
Nero : Take your pick, mate, whichever you prefer. Tell you what, why don’t you come on over and we can chat? Oh, and say ‘hi’ to your Vulcan Spock for me.
Spock : ??
Nero : Catch ya in five minutes, yeah? And bring some beer if you want.
[Once Nero goes off-screen]
Capt Pike : Kirk, Sulu and you over there [points] your name is Canonfodder McDeath-Death, is it?
Canonfodder McDeath-Death: That it is, sir.
Capt Pike: Come with me. I have a crucial and dangerous mission for you three to perform, and it’s fairly likely that you will suffer 33% fatalities in accomplishing it.
Canonfodder McDeath-Death : One third fatalities? Wow… sucks to be one of you two losers….
Kirk : Hey, McDeath-Death – what colour shirt are you wearing?
Canonfodder McDeath-Death : Red. Why?
Kirk : No reason.
[Pike’s audacious plan involves skydiving FROM SPACE onto what looks like a giant laser beam pipe that is hanging down from Nero’s ship to miles above the surface of the planet, and from which an ominous beam is boring to the centre of planet Vulcan]
Capt Pike : Oh, and Spock? You’re captain now. And Kirk’s your new first officer
Spock : But sir, isn’t Kirk currently suspended and effectively trespassing on this ship???
Capt Pike : Deal with it, Spock. Kirk, you’re with me. Sulu, Canonfodder McDeath-Death, you too.
[Pike, Kirk, Sulu and the redshirted Cannonfodder McDeath-Death get into the shuttlecraft and at the appointed time they skydive off the shutlecraft and plummet to the planet. Sound-design-wise, it’s pretty freaking awesome]
Kirk : [Pulls rip-cord just before the platform]
Sulu : [Pulls rip-cord just before the platform]
McDeath-Death : I think I can do this at the last second and I can still…. [Pulls rip-cord]
[flies over the edge and quickly dies of incineration by planet-destroying laser]
Kirk : Farq! Sulu? Watch out for that laser…
Sulu : Why? We’ve now suffered 33% casualties, so clearly we’re safe from here on in
Kirk : I can’t argue with that
[They fight and defeat some of Nero’s men on the platform, and manage to destroy both the platform and the laser, but the hole it has bored into the planet is big enough and deep enough already for Nero’s purposes : he unleashes a Red Tear-Drop Of Liquid Doom from a disturbingly large red liquid suspended Super Pumpkin Of Liquid Doom (like – overkill much??) which drops down to the planet and impacts near the core and causes the planet Vulcan to begin to collapse in upon itself]
Star Trek Fans in Audience : That’s not going to be easily reversible within the context of the Star Trek universe as we know it, is it?
JJ Abrams : Nope.
Star Trek Fans in Audience : [Are impressed]
[Meanwhile, on the Enterprise]
Chekov : Nero’s ship is leaving the system and transporter functionality has been restored, but the planet has mere minutes before it collapses
Spock : Beam me to the planet immediately
Chekov : What??
Spock : I need to save our elders
Chekov : Screw a couple of old people – wouldn’t it be better for me to use my mad transporter skillz to beam as many people from the larger cities onto our ship for safety so the vulcan race can repopulate?
Spock : I’m going to say… No.
Chekov : Well, while you’re down there – can I at least rescue as many people as possible?
Spock : I’m going to say.. No.
Chekov : Okay…
[Spock beams down and rescues the elders, including his father, but unfortunately not his mother, who falls outside of transporter range as the planet continues to collapse and implode, killing some six billion inhabitants. As the few survivors assemble on the bridge, the planet finally fully collapses in upon itself and is destroyed]
Kirk : [does not cry]
Sulu : [does not cry]
Spock : [can not cry]
Audience : Tear
[Spock decides he needs to regroup with the fleet to see what to do next, while Kirk disagrees and suggests that bold action is needed and the enemy ship must be attacked. Backing his rather optimistic plan with a failure to understand that he is not the Captain, Kirk rebels openly and Spock disables him and has him put into an escape pod]
The Ice Planet. Let’s call it “Hoth” and hopefully George Lucas won’t mind
[Coming out of his neck-pinch coma, Kirk’s onboard computer immediately advises him not to attempt to venture out of the pod, and into this dangerous environment outside. But of course Kirk is disinclined to do this and heads outside.]
Giant Monster : Grrraaagh!!
Even Gianter Monster : GRRRAAAAARGGGH!!!
Multiple retractable teeth : GNASH!!
Giant Claws : SHRAAAAAA!!!!
Alien Carnivore Saliva: SLOOOOSHHH!!!
[Kirk runs into a cave. The monster follows]
Monster : GRAAAAGH!!!
Columns of Ice and Snow : FWWWWOOOOMP!!!
Giant Teeth : FRRAAAAARGHHH!
[It’s all looking rather grim until…]
Small Torch Waved Quickly: fwoosh! fwoosh!
Giant Alien Monster : EEEK!!! (scuttles away in panic)
Kirk : Who the hell are you?
Old Spock : I’m Old Spock.
Kirk : O.Kay?
Old Spock : Here, have an exposition-friendly mind-meld on the house
Stardate : The Future. Various time periods
[Insert mind-meld montage which provides all the back-story you’d ever want on Nero, how the Romulan empire was destroyed by a supernova Spock was trying to stop with the Red Super Pumpkin Of Liquid Doom, but got pulled over for failing to give way at an intersection or something, arrived too late, and Romulus was destroyed and Nero and Spock were caught in the temporal wake or something….]
Star Trek Fans in Audience : Time Travel
Non-Star Trek Fans in Audience : Thanks for that
[… and Nero swore vengeance and did it by blowing up Spock’s home planet of Vulcan in retribution, and marooning Spock on the nearby Ice Planet so he could stay and watch from the front row]
Stardate : The Future / Present. Back on “Hoth”
Kirk : [does not cry]
Old Spock : [can not cry]
Kirk : So what do we do now?
Old Spock : First, you have to become captain of the Enterprise
Kirk : But you are already … I mean OTHER YOU is already the captain
Old Spock : Yeah, but in summary : you’re better, and you need to get rid of him.
Kirk : Over your dead body?
Old Spock : I’d prefer not.
Kirk : Okay. But let’s recap. Here I am… stranded on this ice planet, the ship I’m meant to be on is already about a day away and travelling much, much faster than the speed of light away from me while I can barely walk outside for all the snow and blizzard and tooth-gnashing monsters. Do you have any plans?
Old Spock : The script says yes. There’s a starfleet base nearby
Kirk : Groovy. Do they have anyone there whose knowledge of physics can bend space-time to get me onto that ship like I said?
Old Spock: The script says yes.
Kirk : Okay. Groovy. Let’s get going, old-timer.
[A short time later, and presumably unmolested by the local wildlife, Kirk and Old Spock enter the abandoned looking Starfleet Base]
Kirk : Hello, anybody home?
Scotty : Aye
Star Trek Fans In The Audience : Wow… that’s a late Key Character introduction
Kirk : Hey, I don’t know you, but can you….?
Scotty : … do the astrophysical equivalent of hitting a bullet ten miles away with another bullet fired from a gun while riding a horse blindfolded?
Kirk : Um… yeah. That.
Scotty : No, you dumb MORON. Do you think I’d be sitting here at the a55 end of the world if I could do that kind of magic?
Spock : Here’s the formula on how to do that. You invented it.
Scotty : So….. polluting the timeline much?
Old Spock : It’s an alternative universe, not the future/past
Star Trek Fans In The Audience: Clever!
Non-Star Trek Fans in the Audience : Wuh?
JJ Abrams : Comedy interlude!
Stardate : The Future, moments later, elsewhere
[Kirk and Scotty beam over to the Enterprise, travelling at warp, lightyears away. Scotty narrowly avoids drowning in some kind of cooling liquid pipe he materialised inside. Because when you’ve just gotten lucky and actually managed to hit a bullet with another bullet while riding a horse blindfolded, you’ve just got to be ready for some bad luck]
Uhura : Spock! I’ve detected intruders in the engine coolant room!
[Spock sees the security footage showing Kirk is back on the Enterprise]
Spock: [Head explodes with the implausibility]
[Metaphorically, I mean]
[Kirk gets himself brought to the bridge for a showdown with Spock, the aim of which is solely to mentally destabilise the Vulcan sufficiently to get him relieved of duty]
Earlier FLASHBACK Scene – not shown
Kirk : Hey, Old Spock, can I ask you something? Could mentally destabilising the Captain of the flagship of the federation during a time of war be considered illegal or treasonous in any way? I ask because technically I’m still on probation from cheating on a school exam…
Old Spock : Ummm…. Let’s say …. no?
Kirk : Coolio.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Back on the Enterprise
Spock : How the hell did you get on this ship?
Kirk : Forget that. I’m going to make you lose your cool. Firstly, you smell!
Spock : [sniffs armpit] No I don’t
Kirk : Okay, you’re ugly!
Spock : [Looks at Uhura, who shakes her head] Apparently I’m not.
Kirk : Okay, but your planet was destroyed!
Spock : Tactless of you to mention it, but yes that’s true.
Kirk : You should be more sad about that, and since you’re NOT…
Spock : But I am sad about it. The fact that I’m doing what I can reflects well on me, while bringing it up the way you have reflects really badly on you
Kirk : Ummmm….. Uh…..
Spock : Hmm?
Kirk : Sylar is a really lame villain in the TV series ‘Heroes’?
Spock : YOU D1E NOW B1TCH!!
Kirk : You’ve lost your cool! You’re totally unfit for duty! Woo!
Spock : … You’re right. I hereby relieve myself of duty and Kirk, you have the bridge.
The Crew : [Does not mutiny]
[A short time later]
Kirk : Okay. Here’s what we’re doing. We’re going to jump to Earth’s sector, Nero’s most likely next target. Then we’re going to hide in the atmosphere of one of Saturn’s moons and then sneak up on his ship and stop it by getting aboard with the transporters…. wait, doesn’t his ship disable transporters? How does that work…? What if we…?
The Crew : ….
Kirk: Ah, screw it : I call for an immediate and spectacular climactic action sequence, damn the implausibility!
The Crew : [Still does not mutiny]
Kirk : Who’s with me??
Audience : WOOOOOOO!!!!
The Crew : Oh, very well then…
[Spock enters the bridge]
Spock : I’m in too!
Kirk : Spock! Are you launching a counter-mutiny to reclaim your position?
Spock : No, I’m actually fine with a demotion to first officer.
Kirk : R… really? And you support my plan?
Spock : I didn’t hear the details, but I’m sure it’s based on a sound evaluation of the strength of the enemy ship compared to the capabilities of ours, and presents a decent chance of success, right?
Kirk : Umm…. Sure. Totally. Absolutely.
Spock : Then let’s not bring it up again…
In Space, Near Earth
[The Enterprise warps into the Solar System, taps Nero’s ship on one shoulder, then goes the other way, distracting it. Spock in a shuttlecraft manages to destroy the planet-boring laser, which had been busily drilling into the waters of San Francisco Bay, which, like, I would have thought the water would fill the hole and then the Red Tear Drop Of Liquid Doom would hit water at the surface instead of the core, and… ummm… how would that work?]
Nero : Hey, if Kirk can use implausible strategies successfully then why not me??
[Fair enough. Still, Spock destroys the laser and he and Kirk beam aboard Nero’s ship and start to run riot with phasers and superior teamwork skillz, rescuing former captain Chris Pike (remember him?) and stealing Old Spock’s superfast spaceship, aboard which the Red Super Pumpkin of Liquid Doom is kept. Actually, other than Kirk getting beaten nearly to a pulp for the fourth time this movie, it’s all rather easy.]
Nero : Why am I surrounded by idiots??
[Spock is in the super mini-ship, and jumps into hyperspace, and Nero decides to follow him and pursue a course of revenge rather than planetary destruction, somewhat like Khan in Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan. And thus, in a patch of space well away from Earth – we hope, in view of what happens next – Spock in his mini-ship faces down the gargantuan behemoth that is Nero’s giant vessel]
Somewhere out in Space, hopefully far away enough from Earth
Nero : [crazily] Minion! Fire a dozen missiles at Spock’s ship!!
Spock : [calmly] Computer, initiative suicidal trajectory towards Nero’s ship
[A dozen missiles converge on Spock’s ship]
[Spock’s ship converges on Nero’s ship]
[Suddenly, the Enterprise jumps into the system, unleashes a furious barrage of phasers and torpedoes at Nero’s incoming missiles, while beaming Spock off his ship and Kirk and Pike off Nero’s ship]
Audience : WOOOOOO!!!
[Spock’s mini-ship is still bearing down on Nero’s at high speed]
Nero : Minion! Beam… with the…. transporter or shields and…. the thing! That thing that pushes things away!
Minion : The Tractor Beam?
Nero : Yes, that!
Minion: No pro…
[The Red Super Pumpkin Of Liquid Doom splatters into millions of tiny droplets which ignite and go…..]
Nero : Oh, this is gonna sting….
Kirk : We could rescue you?
Nero : I’d rather die.
Kirk : Works for me.
Nero : Then, I guess tha…
[The explosion is so huge that it rends space and destroys pretty much everything. Indeed, the Enterprise barely escapes the event horizon that swallows up Nero’s giant ship. Like, hopefully the effects of a Super Pumpkin Of Liquid Doom exploding (the merest Teardrop of which can implode a planet) will not extend to Earth, which was after all only a short hyperspace leap away. But never mind that…]
Back at Starfleet HQ, Earth
Admiral Pike : Kirk, for cheating on a test, stowing away on a vessel in a time of war, disobeying orders, overthrowing a captain, inciting a mutiny and basically all-but ordering your first officer to blow up most of an entire quadrant of space near Earth that our scientists are still not sure if all life on Earth will die soon…
Kirk : [Gulp]
Admiral Pike : Here’s a medal, a commendation, a full-time promotion to captain and command of Starfleet’s flagship!
Assembled Starfleet Crowd : Applause!!!
Audience : [Applause!!!]
Non Star Trek Fans in Audience :Yeah…. That wasn’t too bad, actually
Star Trek Fans in Audience : VINDICATED!!
JJ Abrams: You’re welcome!
Remember JJ Abrams’ “Star Trek”? Re-live it in 15 minutes rather than sitting down for two hours (you’re welcome!) (soundrack sold separately)