Based on a true story.

While otherwise occupied during work today, I received not one but FOUR marketing texts in the space of about a minute. They were marketing messages from T-Mobile, my mobile provider. Three of them were straight duplicates of each other, telling me of the same promotion on international texts.

I’ve tried to unsubscribe from their advertising before, but to do so it literally seems you to have to register with them. Which….. I imagine it must be like a girl having to tell the guy who’s stalking her on Facebook what her home address and phone number is, in order to make him stop.

And this is T-Mobile, the same company that sends me SMS offers of free web-browsing even when they KNOW my handset can’t do web browing. And then sends me further SMSes two days later telling me the offer has expired, presumably because I didn’t use it. And I know that they know what kind of handset I have because a company I’ve worked for operates on the T-Mobile network and THEY get handset information.

And I won’t even get into the almost prodigious skill they’ve displayed in coming up with a product that promises “free texts for life” – four words that conceal up to three lies, depending on how cynically you view the fine print.

But I digress. Four SMS ads in a minute is ridiculous-verging-on-harrassment alone, and that deserves to be called out for what it is.

So I navigate to their website to give them some feedback.

And to put it simply, their feedback form is RETARDED (Or ‘idiot savant’ if you want to be kind). For instance, if you have not registered with them, you have to provide ID in the form of either

1. Amount of last top-up OR
2. Method of last top-up OR
3. Any number called in the last three months.

So, fine, I type in a friend’s number (which is a disgusting thing to have to give, incidentally) and my feedback (limited to 2000 characters, which they don’t provide a count for), and press ‘send’.

Feedback rejected.

It tells me that I need password or address and date of birth or last topup or number called.

I did that.

So I press resend.

And again it tells me that I need password or address and date of birth or last topup or number called.

I did that. It’s right THERE. It was one of the three options and I did exactly what you told me. I fucking CODE for a living and I know how an ‘OR’ option works

This whole thing is clearly nothing more than them wanting to be SEEN to accept feedback while putting in place a series of trials that would make the labours of Hercules look quaint in comparison. Because at least those were tests of strength, and didn’t involve a demi-god sitting down at a computer trying to argue with a malevolently thick-skulled customer interface program.

You. Utter. F&&king. A55holes.

So you know what? I called them. I dialled their number.

Three numerical menu inputs that make no sense except in the context of a consciously labyrinthine system meant to discourage any rational navigation is followed by an advisory that it will cost me 25p to talk to them.

25p.
To talk.
To them.

Fine. You know what? I accept, just this once. And they put me on hold….. and then, moments later, they tell me they can’t connect me, and then they hang up on me.

They.
Hang Up.
On Me.

I say again:
You. Utter. F&&king. A55holes.

You charged me to call you and then you hung up.

So I called their other phone number, to be used for the reason of “Are you thinking of leaving us?”, because YES. And this time FOUR numerical menu inputs later, I’m told that my call will be tolled at ‘normal rates’ this time. Whatever that means, but I assume since I’m calling from my mobile this means TIMED CALLS.

So to summarise: they’re making one last bit of money from people who want to leave : and not per call this time, but by the MINUTE this time, if you’re calling them on a mobile. How utterly, utterly charming.

Amazingly, this time I did get through. Sure, after all if they disconnect me straight away, they’ll limit the amount of money they can siphon off me instead of getting a chance to keep me on the line as long as possible.

A guy in an American accent so thick that it’s literally disarming given I’m a customer in Britain and the umbrella company is German, says hello and asks what I’d like to speak about. I tell him I want to make a complaint about the SMS spamming. And about the offers. And about the feedback form. And about being charged to make a complaint.

The guy listens, pauses, and says he is required to ask me to verify who I am by giving him any number I’ve called in the last three months as well as my own phone number. Oh, how sweet : it’s like a little police state all its own : you want me to give my phone number and that of a friend. Not in the least ominous. But hell, at least I have my feedback form open, otherwise I wouldn’t even have been able to provide a friend’s phone number as I’ve been using my phone alone to store 11-digit numbers. Nice way to double-bluff callers, though. Well done.

Still, he apologises on behalf of T-Mobile and tells me he can have me removed from the “marketing offers” list, and can even refund me the 25p I was charged for being cut off the prior time. Brilliant.

And then he puts me on hold for over three minutes…. three minutes for which I am presumably being charged and for which I will presumably NOT be refunded.

He then comes back and takes me off hold and thanks me for waiting, and tells me that it’s been done and I’ve been refunded 25p.

And then tells me that from looking at my account, I apparently qualify for a certain special offer, and would I like to know the details about it?

Okay, now let’s recap : I’ve called up these people to complain about being spammed by marketing offers, and the person who TAKES MY CALL then uses this as an opportunity to make me a marketing offer??

Are you KIDDING me?

With even more vehemence, let me say:
You. Utter. F&&king. A55holes

I say no, thank him for his time, and hang up.

And then I get back on the website. I decide to have another go.

I add some information in “Last method of topup” on top of the “One number called” field in an effort to provide more evidence of my identity. I use the word ‘cash’ as method.

It says my submission is not valid.

Really? Because cash is what I remember handing over to the person. Are t-mobile retarded from start to finish? Define ‘method of top-up’ you PRICKS. How is ‘cash’ an invalid method?

You. Utter. F&&king. A55holes.

On a whim, I replace “last method” = ‘cash’ with a flat-out guess of “20” pounds.

And that…. goes through.

The Crowd Goes Wild

Is it over now?

No, of course not.

Because since then, I’ve received an email confirming receipt of my feedback, and T-Mobile have advised me that “So that we can get back to you as quickly as possible and fully answer your question, we’ll need your telephone number and customer services password”

So…. although I’ve verified my identity sufficiently to provide feedback, I’ve not yet actually proven my identity sufficiently to deserve a response, it would seem.

And I barely have any more words, beyond the emphatic fail-safe of:

You. Utter. F&&king. A55holes.

In case you didn’t know, a facebook campaign group has managed to inspire the music-buying public of Britain to reject another cynical X-Factor winners song from getting to number one on the Christmas 2009 Chart, and instead get the 1993 rap metal song “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against The Machine as the British Number One Song for Christmas.

AND IT WORKED
A sixteen-year old song made it to Number One in England for Christmas 2009

Because, I’m going to conclude. People are PISSED OFF. And they have a right to be.

And you know, I just have to question why it is that we’re allowed to cheer for the Natives in the James Cameron movie ‘Avatar’, who fight against corporate greed and bullying and propaganda with dragons and spears and bows and arrows.

I mean, here on Earth in the present day, we can’t even EMAIL these bastards, let alone confront them directly. And we can’t even TALK to these bastards without them BILLING US for the privilege.

Are we human, or are we scum in their eyes?

They are PLAYING with us. They are TOYING with us. They are LAUGHING at us. These are the companies we pay money to, make profits for, and yes, are even EMPLOYED by.

And they are SCUM. The entire system they have built up is REPUGNANT.

I offer this in conclusion:

If you work for T-Mobile, or if you KNOW anyone from T-Mobile, tell them to read this.

And give them this message:

“RESPOND, you bullying COWARDS”.

Or demand that it be removed like the spineless people you are – people who would probably much rather bury the message than acknowledge its content.

One day people with more courage than I are going to become sick of writing angry emails and buying angry protest songs for Christmas, and REALLY start fighting back. And when that happens, empty apologies prefaced with the legal-department no-admission-of-guild "We’re [only] sorry IF…’ will fall on deaf ears.

Or at least I hope so.

….

End rant. I’ll post some pretty photos later.