There’s been a bit of a lull in premieres since I Give It A Year and The Last Stand with Arnie, but they are starting up again. Accordingly, I decided to keep my skillz sharp in preparation by going to a premiere of a film that barely served as a blip on my radar of Importance. That’s not meant to be an insult or anything – any number of potentially worthy films don’t show up as a blip on my radar of importance. And many questionable movies are high enough on my list that they’d cause concern in those who know me.
So… here’s how it went down:
No intention of watching. Barely heard of the cast. Two hours of waiting in near-zero conditions. Still not enough to dissuade me…. you can even tell me Denise Van Outen’s changed her haircolour (back?) to blonde. Won’t make a difference.
“Now remember, don’t TELL them we’re doing an unauthorised molecular biology experiment. Just pretend we’re interviewing them”
Prunella Scales played Mrs Fawlty in FAWLTY TOWERS, which makes her worth photographing at any event. Which is good, because she’s not actually in this film.
He’s Robert Lindsay, and he’s won a BAFTA, a Tony and three Olivier Awards, but is it wrong that I so want this to be Robert Downey Jnr? Sadly (?) neither he nor Robert Downey are actually in this film.
Female Presenter : “Is your hand on my a55, Robert?”
Robert Lindsay : “Umm… maybe?” Clearly he’s mesmerised by the effects of the molecular transducer or whatever it is.
Wireimage authoritatively informs me that this is Lydia Bright, somebody who neither IMDB nor Wikipedia acknowledges as important. That’s pretty harsh. I’m not important either, but I’m not wearing a dress like that on a night as cold as this.
“The bag? It’s hideous” . And I’ve been on the receiving end of a recoil like that too. It’s not pleasant. And I wasn’t commenting on somebody’s bag.
Ordinarily upon seeing that some dude showed up called “Sir David Jason”, I’d make a derisive comment about the English peerage and move on. But he apparently plays Inspector Frost in, like four million episodes of the show of that name. Needless to say, he’s not in this film, and as such this premiere sure is settling into a comfortable rhythm of “see person. not in film. move on”.
“Is it raining or sleeting?” I don’t know. Either way, it was cold. Her name, per wireimage, is the improbable “Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace”. Incredibly not even one of those names appears in the cast listing of this movie. And weirdly, that cast listing DOES include Dame Judi Dench, who plays a bag-lady according to the IMDB. She’s probably out dispensing vigilante justice on the streets of London or illegally downloading thrash metal albums in preference to attending this shindig though.
In other news, the molecular disruptor has turned some dude into a different dude who is now wearing a dress. Per wireimage : it/their name is ‘Su Pollard’. Great. Now I’m going to have to go to wikipedia to find out who THAT is.
Oh, and good news for fans of Barry Cryer : this is what he looks like.
Oh, look. It’s Denise Welch and Lionel Blair. Neither of whom I’ve heard of. The guy on the right has 35 different acting credits to his name, but a quick scan reveals only ‘The Benny Hill Show (1961)’ as something I’ve heard of.
In amazing news and yet continuing the theme of “who are these people?”, this is Kellie Shirley. She’s not on the movie poster, but she is in the film!!! She’s also been in 213 episodes of Eastenders and the movie ‘Wimbledon’ and is wearing what commentators are calling ‘a grey dress’. Back to you in the studio, Julee.
Dress. Waterlogged. So is lens. Not complaining. Moving right along…
Neil Morrissey has 61 acting credits on IMDB, and of those I recognise the movie ‘Bounty’ from about thirty years ago, where he starred opposite Mel Gibson. Needless to say, my desperation for an autograph was kept well in check. He is in this movie, however. Finally, its stars (?) are arriving.
Unbelievably, this is somebody who isn’t just in the movie : She’s ON THE POSTER. Sarah Harding is a member of Girls Aloud, and to the chagrin of many autograph dealers none of her bandmates showed up to wish her well. I’m not too concerned, I’m more than happy that I got to use the word ‘chagrined’. It happens so rarely.
Doesn’t know that I didn’t buy the last Girls Aloud album. Or any of their albums.
Can’t read the tattoo. Feel oddly disappointed.
Meanwhile, also from The Poster Of This Movie, actress Denise Van Outen has been the voiceover in 85 and counting episodes of The Only Way Is Essex, none of which I’ve seen.
“I call them ‘standing pushups’ and they form the basis of my fitness regime” . I guess they could catch on.
Third on the poster, and also now newly arrived is Danny Dyer who is best known (to me) as ‘guy who insouciantly flicked a cigarette at the premiere of Malice In Wonderland in 2010’. Now he’s taking photos on an iPhone. We all move on.
Danny Dyer has almost 70 acting credits to his name, none of which I’ve seen. Then again, my single acting credit has not been seen by him. It all evens out.
I like Denise Van Outen’s pose, but I’m captivated by the evil-looking hooded Nazgul in the background who has seemingly cast off the shackles of employment of the dark lord Sauron and taken to celeb photography.
Sarah Harding gets shot of the day. Or rather, a fortuitous Paparazzi flash gets shot of the day and Sarah Harding happens to be standing there when it happens.
“OMG – you’re wearing a jacket!!” Fair point – temperatures were hovering about the zero point. Needless to say, those with jackets were holding on to them. Chivalry is dead, ladies. Blame who you feel you must!
Lensflare of the year, if not decade, and this WHOLE thing suddenly became effortlessly worthwhile. …. Where were you when it went down? (The dudes on the far right are going to claim to their grandchildren they were there and remember, but they’ll be lying).
So… that was that. I was cold, and hungry, and still hours away from home. Why do I do this? Obviously because I like it 8)
And of course it’s another entry in my Archive of Movie Premieres