Joined July 2007

Bernd Talasch doesn’t remember being hatched in a research laboratory in Omaha in the late 1950s so maybe that never happened....

James Bond Skyfall Premiere - Bond! M! Q! Mendes! Bardem!

Well… it was a big one. Skyfall had its Royal World Premiere at the Royal Albert Hall, a site that last hosted The Premiere of Titanic in 3D . I took something like 3000 shots and ended the night with ten (10) shots left in the space on my memory card. And it’s a large memory card.

Then I got home and grabbed the first forty I could to represent the night as best I could before the requirements of sleep took over. Here’s how (some of) it went down:

Discreet. Understated. One of those art-house films from the director of American Beauty (1999) (nb. this is the BACK of the premiere. All the action is on the other side, and includes fans who have camped overnight)

And it’s a Royal Premiere. That means they bring the dogs, who have disarmingly cute smiles and friendly personalities. And can probably smell printer cartridge dust on you and are trained to kill first and search the body afterwards.

I feel like I probably wouldn’t have worn a purple gown to this event, mainly because I’m a guy and don’t have the figure. But I’m glad I was wearing my ‘style’ beanie so as not to cause offense.

One day, when I’m slightly older and slightly balder, I want to be this guy. He’s wearing a RESTRAINT on his cameras. Farq. I’ll just keep risking scoleosis by standing here with mine hanging over one shoulder…

“I’m sorry, did I over-dress or are ALL OF YOU in the crowd wearing hoodies to this thing? I’m just saying becuase this is a Tom Ford I’m wearing.” It’s Daniel Craig!

“You have no idea how many times I’m asked about a Golden Compass sequel. Yes, that’s right. Zero.”

It’s Javier Bardem! As immortalised by Daniel Radcliffe in the audioblurb “omygoditsJavierBardemiLOVEhimIjustwatchedNoCountryForOldMenTODAY” I’d strongly urge you to youtube it, but I don’t know how it would be tagged.

Well, I may yet learn to forgive Naomie Harris for her ridiculous accent and acting in the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean films.

“Y’all aren’t bad looking, but you’re no Me” It’s a fair point.

Ben Whishaw plays the new ‘Q’ in the franchise. I’m not familiar with his work, but he looks like the sidekick in the National Treasure films.

“I know this this the part where you want me to say my bow tie controls a sophisticated missile guidance system and my jacket can break Mach3, but really it’s just a suit”

Berenice Marlohe has either two or three accents on the ’e’s of her name but I can’t find them on my keyboard.

Reporter : “Some people say that the look you’re giving me is your dangerous face. Could you comment?”

“He said something about the five dollars you still owe him. Shall I have him killed?”

Barbara Broccoli and… I’m gonna say Enrique Cauliflower because honestly I’m on about four hours sleep and I’m tired and will try to get away with it.

Christopher Lee. That is all.

Thomas Newman took over the reins as composer – David Arnold wasn’t able to because of duties with the London 2012 Olympics. And possibly Prince and the New Power Generation were busy.

Must insert wireimage tag, and sound of swishing cape. (But must prioritise soundbyte of swishing cape).

“He seems to have zoned out. Can I physically turn him 90 degrees so the paparazzi can photograph him?” Maybe Sam Mendes is mesmerised by my beanie. It’s classy and understated. Nothing garish..

Sam Mendes directed American Beauty and a Bond film. Next up, I say Girls Aloud video. (It pays to be versatile… there’s a Recession On).

… .and still the crowd streams in. The queue for popcorn is gonna be MENTAL.

Helen McCrory. Not sure of spelling or role in the film. Dress seems cumbersome, though. And surely the green handbag purse thing clashes with both the dress and the carpet? (hey… I was accessorised in neutral colours. I can comment)

Ralph Fiennes says : “Daniel. Point at this guy for me”. Damnit, I so want to hire Daniel Craig to point at things for me.

“Check it out. Chicks hugging each other. Weird, huh?”

And nobody had anything more to say. Awkward.

I looked at this image for fifteen seconds. Can’t think of a comment either.

Daniel Crag returns to pose for a THIRD time, this time with Noamie Harris and her metallo-translucent dress. Lady in ?fur? behind him- not impressed.

“Fine. Tell us again how good we look”

And from there on it was a cavalcade of ‘special guests’ and red carpet wannabes. Here, for instance, is Naomi Campbell. (“Hey, didn’t I once throw a vase at you? Sorry bout that”)

Stephen Fry appears to be subtly trying to scalp his tickets to the event. I’m interested…

“If anyone mentions Johnny English movies, I’m gonna f**king die. But not before they do”. Rowan Atkinson attends.

Olympian Victoria Pendleton also in attendance. Damn, if I’d know I could score premiere tickets by being a gold medal winning woman cyclists I would have impersonated one. In theory.

. And then the carpet clears, the density of security and police on the carpet increases, and a large Bentley drives part of the way up the red carpet.

It’s the Duchess of Cornwall. (Wait… didn’t the old lady throw that necklace into the ocean at the end of Titanic??)

“I got these guys to go get it. Cost millions. Worth it, though, one feels” Well played, Sir.

So, that was that.

You know… I’ve come a long way in the four years since I was at The Quantum of Solace Premiere

But since Mark Frikkin’ Zuckerberg and his beer swilling goons nuked the links to two-thirds of my movie journals in their last update / dare / college prank, there would seem to be little point in suggesting anyone look at my Archive of Movie premieres except that I am slowly but surely reconstructing it.

Until Next Time!

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