Joined July 2007

Bernd Talasch doesn’t remember being hatched in a research laboratory in Omaha in the late 1950s so maybe that never happened....

TITANIC in 3D premiere - Cameron! Winslet! Zane!

So good news if you’re a fan of James Cameron’s Titanic : it’s returning to cinemas in all its romantic, Celine Dion-esque awesomeness. (I kid because I love… what, guys aren’t allowed to like Titanic?? It’s not as good as Aliens, but damn it’s still a fine film, people)

And because James Cameron is really not into subtlety, they had a premiere. No, not a small one. No, not one in Leicester Square or something as mundane as the O2 or Westfield… but the Royal Albert Hall. FARQ.

I was nervous. Not just because he’s basically my favourite director, but because back in the day (2010 I think it was) I decided to combine all my favourite plotholes and opinions on Avatar (which I also think is a fine movie by the way) into a 15minute summary of the script which 331 people have so far read (I’m kinda niche like that). But if even one of those people know J.C. I might not get a chance to ever work with the guy. Sure, I’m an analyst and the odds are slim, but still… better than none, right?

Anyway, I’m babbling – here’s how it went down:

Royal Albert Hall, London. As many have observed, nothing James Cameron does is ever done on a small scale. The dude was underwater in the Mariana Trench some 24 hours earlier and flew in from Guam to be here. (This is the smaller part of the premiere – the press and photographers and most of the fans were actually behind and down the stairs behind this view)

“Tom, I’m going to pretend it’s 1997 and this movie hasn’t come out yet. Accordingly, based on its $200million budget which was way over estimates, it will certainly make a crushing financial loss for the studio dumb enough to finance it, and destroy Cameron’s career and make him a laughingstock. Back to you in the studio”. Sounds accurate. I hear Avatar cost 50% more than that and will probably bankrupt ITS studio as well. (wait… $2billion gross and then some? Wow…)

OMG – it’s Australia’s Queen of Entertainment Angela Bishop (I wonder if I was the only person in the crowd who recognised her….) (anyway, I’m stalling because I’ve been here for 2 hours and there’s still about another hour to go until this thing gets underway) (and I’m not wearing sunglasses)

It’s Director James Cameron! (Remember, this is the man whose career started with “Piranha II : The Spawning”). He already signed my journal at the premiere of Avatar a couple of years back, and no matter what I write he can’t UN-sign that, baby!

Kate Winslet, remarkably, never actually attended the original Official Premieres for ‘Titanic’ in New York and London in 1997. But she made it to this one (she and I have a thing. More on that later. Or less, as may be)

I don’t usually take shots of monitors during premieres, but my spot in the crowd proved to be slightly sub-optimal at times. (I’m not complaining – I had a wristband to see the film for free if I wanted)

In a remarkable turnaround, the villainous Cal Hockley attends the premiere and gets the girl. (Leo would be furious)

It’s Bernard Hill – he was both King Theoden in Lord of the Rings, and Captain Edward James “I’m pretty sure she’s unsinkable, no?” Smith in TITANIC.

Jason Barry played the role of Tommy Ryan in the film. Now…. I’m not ashamed to say I really like this film, but I have no idea who either the actor or character is/was, but apparently the quote “Ah, forget it, boyo. You’re as like to have angels fly out your arse as get next to the likes of her.” was spoken by him, of Kate Winslet’s character. …. so basically he’s also the little voice inside my head that says those words everytime I see a pretty girl!

It’s Billy Zane! He’s been representing bald white people since ever since Titanic came out, more or less!! (Jason Statham is still our poster-child)

The very pretty Jenna Louise-Coleman played the character ‘Connie’ in ‘Captain America’ and also the character ‘Annie Desmond’ in ‘Titanic’ which in a neat bit of synergy is not actually James Cameron’s Titanic but an entirely separate TV series which just happens to be starting right about now.

The band “I Salonisti” both performed on the soundtrack AND played the band that played as the boat sank. Apparently some of the members hadn’t seen each other for ten years prior to this ‘reunion’ for the premiere. Wow… must’ve been some massive Yoko-Ono-esque breakup that totally failed to make the news….

This fine gentleman, who in any other crowd might go unnoticed, is James Horner, the man who composed the score for the film (which remains the highest selling orchestral score of all time). He has won two Oscars (for Titanic and Glory) plus 8 additional nominations (Apollo 13 no doubt among them). My fave track of his remains ‘Battle in the Mutara Nebula’ from Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan (true story!)

Actress Rochelle Rose played The Countess of Rothes in the film, but she’ll get back to you on her post-Titanic career (hey… I’ve accomplished relatively little since 1997 depending on your measure, I’m not one to judge snidely!)

Good news for fans of Dexter Fletcher returning to his role of attending premieres for films he’s NOT involved in. It seems Wild Bill was just an aberration. Oh, and look. The Countess (born 1830, per wikipedia) is still hanging around him!

“Yeah, I read what you wrote in your ‘Avatar in 15 minutes’ piece. Please don’t assume you’ll ever work in this town again. Oh, you haven’t Yeah… that’s all me”. Eek… I probably should have stuck with my full-time role of making fun of George Lucas’ writing and directing skillz.

John Landau was producer of both ‘Titanic’ and ‘Avatar’… and also ‘Dick Tracy (1990)’ and ‘Honey I Shrunk The Kids (1989)’. So… you know. He has hits and misses (I myself have fond memories of Honey I Shrunk the Kids)

James Cameron has been married 5 times, which means between he and I we’ve been married 2.5 times. And been halfway down the Mariana Trench. And directed movies that have grossed in excess of $2billion. And photographed Charlize Theron on 1.5 occasions. Wow, we totally rock!!

Did you know that Cameron’s wife Suzy Amis played Rose’s Granddaughter (the one on the ship in the ‘present day’) in Titanic? Mind = blown. I had no idea at all. But I’m pretty unobservant if it doesn’t involve something happening through my camera’s viewfinder

Me and Kate have this thing, as you can see. It’s pretty serious between her, based on the premiere of Revolutionary Road and the 2010 Baftas where she basically undressed me with her eyes. I think what he was is so grea that it’ll even survive the fact that she currently has a boyfriend with the surname ‘Rocknroll’ (first name ‘Ned’) (and I am NOT making that up, and no, my surname isn’t Rocknroll. It’s my middle name)

" ’You’re here / There’s Nooooooothing I fear’ I forget how the rest of it goes" (i’m sure…)

“I can actually hold this pose for hours if you need me to”

“Kate WAS in tha hizzouse, and now Kate gonna be outta the hizzouse. Peace, y’all” Kate Winslet is so Gangsta. (Which is why it’ll never work out between her and some dude with the surname ‘Rocknroll’, right?)

It’s Bill Paxton!! He was awesome in Aliens, great in True Lies, perfectly serviceable in a small role in Titanic, and was sadly underrated in Twister. My favourite quote of his is from ‘True Lies’ but I won’t repeat it here, because he’s cool.

“You want me to pose ‘wealthy and smarmy’? Well, it’s been years, but okay!”

“So in conclusion, low-budget subtlety is my thing, so go and see the movie. Cheers!”

So… that was that. Did I watch the movie? No. Did I make it to dinner with friends less than 2 hours late? No. (Did they judge me harshly for my tardiness? No)

It totally joins The Archive of Movie Premieres

The most recent entries of which included:
The Empire Movie Awards – DeVito! Lundgren! and More!
Wild Bill – Fletcher! A 160yr old Countess!
The Hunger Games – Lawrence! Hemsworth x2!
John Carter – Kitsch! Dafoe!
The 2012 BAFTAs – Pitt! Clooney! Streep!
War Horse – Spielberg and Royalty!!
Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol – Tom Cruise! Simon Pegg!

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