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Star Wars as a 15 minute movie

On a whim, I picked up a copy of Cleolinda Jones’ most excellent book ‘Movies in Fifteen Minutes’ in which she very cleverly and humorously provides in her own words ‘Hollywood Blockbusters for people who can’t be bothered’. It cost me a mere £3 at HMV and was an excellent read. AND she has a website with more movies too

Anyway, as a challenge and a tribute, I thought I’d have a go at doing one of these.

STAR WARS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

Space
A spaceship : flies overhead
A massively, incredibly, insanely, mind-bogglingly huge spaceship : also flies overhead
EXCEPT BIGGER

Spaceship Interior
C-3PO (Threepio) : Oh, dear.
R2-D2 (Artoo): Boop de-boop!

A SHORT TIME LATER….
[An escape pod carrying the two droids and some stolen plans to a huge battlestation is launched towards the planet, while the captured smaller spaceship is overrun by heavily armed, violent, body-armoured stormtroopers who mercilessly cut down any and all opposition. The Empire is a vicious, violent, malevolent bunch.]

Star Destroyer Gunner : Can I shoot at the abandoned escape pods that are launched?
Star Destroyer Commander : What kind of freak are you?

Tattooine Desert – Crash Landing
Threepio : Oh dear! It sure is hot.
Artoo : Boop-de-boop!
Threepio : So to summarise : you’re taking a partially shaded route that your treads can travel over easily and would also provide better footing for me. However, just to be contrary, I shall take the sandy path in full sun even though I’m the one complaining about the heat.
Artoo : (trundles away) Boop-de-boop!
C-3PO : (fifteen minutes later, turns back) I hate you!!

Tattooine – The Lars Moisture Farm
[Owen Lars is a farmer who harvests water vapour and mushrooms and has lived on the same farm for at least twenty years and has no interest in excitement or adventure, which is why at the end of the prior movie released years later, he was entrusted with the task of looking after the son of the dark lord of the sith. A large Jawa sandcrawler has pulled up outside his place, with droids for sale]
Owen Lars: So, do you have a droid that can pilot starfighters and hack into any data system, and another droid who can speak five million languages and capable of interpreting the minutiae of intergalactic protocols and etiquette? I need these on my farm.
Jawa : By sheer coincidence….yes.
Owen Lars : Groovy.

[Regrettably, his farm does not have an internet connection, otherwise Artoo would be able to email the Death Star plans to the rebellion, or upload them to rebellion.org or something. But anyway, our hero LUKE SKYWALKER, the LARS’ adopted son, has overseen the purchase of the droids]

Luke : So does this mean I can go to the academy this year rather than next year?
Owen Lars : Harvesting moisture out of the air and collecting mushrooms is a complicated labour-intensive procedure incapable of being performed by any form of robot, no matter how advanced. So, no.
Luke : (whines) I blame you, Artoo (turns his back)
Artoo : Boop-de-boop! (runs off)
Threepio : Oh dear!

The Very, very, very, very, very dangerous Jundland Wastes, the following day
Luke : There you are, Artoo. We have to get back to the speeder, there are sandpeople in this area and they’re very, very, very, very dangerous. (Heads off)
Threepio : Um… isn’t the speeder in the other direction?
Luke : Yes, but I want to take a closer look at the very, very, very, very dangerous sandpeople.
Threepio : ??
Luke : (through binoculars) Ah, there they are. Look, down there.
Threepio : Magnificent. Can we go to the speeder now?
Luke : Wait for it.. Wait for it…. Wait for it….
Threepio : Now?
Luke : Wait for it……
Sandperson : RRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!
Luke : … there you go!
Gaffi Stick to Luke’s Head: thud
Luke’s head to Ground: thud
Threepio’s arm : thud
Artoo : boop-de-boop!
Ben Kenobi : SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[The sandpeople scatter, pausing only to steal the stereo from the speeder and the front hood ornament. BEN KENOBI, meanwhile wakes up an unconscious LUKE]

Ben Kenobi : We’d better head back to my place. Sand people are very, very, very, very dangerous.
Luke : You’re eighty years old and live alone in this kind of area?
Ben Kenobi : Yeah. Sandpeople are not that dangerous.

Ben Kenobi’s Place
[This does not actually happen]
Ben : Your father wanted you to have this lightsber when I cut off both his legs and an arm at our last meeting
Luke : ??
Ben : Actually he didn’t know you were born at that point so he couldn’t have given me that instruction. He probably assumed that when your mother died in childbirth, you and your twin sister died too.
Luke : ??
Ben : And although we desperately wanted to make sure he never found you even if he suspected you had lived, we decided to let you keep the Skywalker surname and have you live on the planet he was born on, and have you stay with his relatives.
Luke : ??
Ben : That’s mostly because even back then we had higher hopes for your twin sister, who is actually doing something with her life, what with being a senator and helping the rebellion and stuff while you whine about power converters and the like.
Luke : ??
Ben : Your sister is the girl in the message, by the way, and your father is the evil guy she’s trying to get away from. I figure it’s best that you know these things now rather than when you’re at an emotionally vulnerable time like the middle of a battle or something
Luke : ??
Ben : Just play with the laser sword, boy
Luke : Right-o

Luke’s Relatives’ Moisture Farm
[After finding the Jawa sandcrawler the two droids were on completely gutted with fire and death, LUKE deduces the heavily armed attackers must have followed the droids’ trail to the moisture farm. So, without any form of weapon and driving a speeder that doesn’t even have so much as a stereo or hood ornament that could be thrown at armed stormtroopers, Luke decides that the best course of action is to leave the trained Jedi Ben Kenobi behind and drive there alone. Incredibly, he doesn’t die for this insanity, and instead arrives to find the Moisture Farm is on fire.]

[Let’s pause to investigate this. It’s a stone structure. In the middle of a desert. And it’s job is to collect moisture. And it is on fire. He returns to the sandcrawler and seeks out Ben]
Luke : VENGEANCE!!
Ben Kenobi: This is probably, TOTALLY the best frame of mind for you to be in so I can introduce you to how the force works. Also, we should go to Alderaan.

Mos Eisley Spaceport
Luke : Look at this urban sprawl. The growth of CGI has really turned this place into a dump.
George Lucas : It’s the special edition version! Woo!!!

[Ben and Luke and the droids are stopped by a troop of Stormtroopers]
Stormtrooper : You guys with the speeder and the two droids and the farmboy. You exactly match the description of the people we are looking for

Ben : You don’t need to see his identification
Stormtrooper : We don’t need to see your identification
The other three stormtroopers standing there : …

Ben : These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper : These aren’t the droids we’re looking for
The OTHER three stormtroopers standing RIGHT THERE : …

Ben : He can go about his business
Stormtrooper : You can go about your business
THE OTHER THREE stormtroopers WHO ARE standing RIGHT THERE : …

Luke : WTF??
Ben : The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded
Luke : The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded…
Ben : Though oddly, did you know stormtroopers are the clones of a very clever bounty hunter I met once, and upon whom my attempts at mind control totally failed?
Luke : Did I know that oddly, stormtroopers are clones of a very clever bounty hunter you met once..…
Ben : Shut up.

Mos Eisley Cantina
[Aliens, music, drinking. You know the drill. Luke goes up to a mean-looking bartender and stands next to the most evil-looking alien at the counter and orders a warm glass of milk or something]
Bad Guy : I kill you!!
Luke : Eeee!
Obiwan’s Lightsaber : SlashVOOOOM!
Bad Guy : My arm! And the blood! Why didn’t it cauterise the wound like with every other person who’s had their arm cut by one of these?
Fanboys in audience: slap head

[A short time later]
Obiwan : So your ship’s fast?
Han : Baby, it completed the (journey expressed in terms of a distance measurement) in a time of (another measure of distance)
Obiwan : That doesn’t makes sense, but okay.
Han : It’s fast
Obiwan : I don’t believe your ship’s as fast as you claim, but what the hell
Han : I don’t believe an old guy like you carries as much money as you claim, but what the hell
Obiwan : Cool. Catch ya
Han : I’m also on my way out

[Han runs into a bounty hunter]
Greedo : Going somewhere?
Han : I guess not.
[They find a table and sit across from each other]
Han: So what’s your plan?
Greedo : I’ll shoot you first
Han : I’m pretty baddass. I’m quite capable of shooting first
Greedo : Nope. I’ll shoot first
Han : Very well
Greedo : So I’m shooting first
Han : Go on
Greedo : Wait for it…
Han : …
Greedo : Wait for it….
Han : …
Greedo : Wait for it….
Han : …
Greedo : [Shoots]
Han : [Shoots]
Greedo : [Misses!]
Han : [Hits!]
Fanboys : [slap heads]
George Lucas : Woo!

The Millennium Falcon takes off from the spaceport and jumps into hyperspace
[On the ship’s living room, Luke is in fast-tracked training to become a Jedi, the droids are playing chess against Chewbacca and Han is just hanging tough]
Luke : [swishes lightsaber]
Ben : Concentrate, Luke
Han : I’d rather have a blaster at my side than rely on a religion
Artoo : [plays chess move]
Chewbacca : Rowr
Han : He says he’ll rip your arms out if he loses
Artoo : Boop-de-boop!
Han : Okay, he now says he’ll rip out your golden friend’s arms if he loses
Artoo : Boop-de-boop!
Threepio : [faints]
Luke : Ooh! I think I felt something
Ben : (hopeful) A million billion voices crying out in terror as a planet is shorn apart by a superweapon?
Luke : No. Just this little thing in front of me shooting small electric bolts at my a55
Ben : Awesome.

Meanwhile, in space, elsewhere, a couple of seconds earlier
Death Star : PYOOOOO!!!!
Alderaan : BOOOM!!!!
Shock Wave : CGI!!!
(George Lucas : Woo!!!)
Tarkin : Was it good for you?
Darth Vader : I’m going for a cigarette

The Millennium Falcon Exits Hyperspace
Han : That’s not a planet, that’s an asteroid field
Ben Kenobi : That’s not a moon, that’s a space station
Chewbacca : Rowr
Threepio : Oh Dear
Luke : [faints]

The Millenium Falcon is pulled into the Death Star
[Hundreds of stormtroopers file into the docking bay, along with Darth Vader and a search crew]
Darth Vader : Commander tear this ship apart and bring me the passengers, I want them alive!!
Search Crew : like the space ship from before?
Darth Vader : No, not quite as thoroughly as that time
Search Crew : But we didn’t find the plans last time we did that
Darth Vader : Yeah… but still. Keep it low key. Send in two people. And make sure they’re unarmed
Search Crew : …??

Inevitably…
[Having successfully overpowered the search crew and two (2) stormtroopers, and impersonated those stormtroopers by wearing their uniforms and pretending to have malfunctioning equipment and cleverly hiding the bulletholes in the uniforms, our heroes are in a control room]
Ben Kenobi : Well, I’m off
Han : Cool. We’ll wait here.
Ben Kenobi : leaves
Han : Let’s get out of here
Luke : No, we should stay
Han : You’re right we should stay
Luke : The princess! She’s here! We should go!
Han : I think we should stay
Luke : ….
Han : …
Luke : Scissors-paper-rock?
Han : Okay
Luke : Woo! Paper!
Chewbacca : Rowr
Han : Fine, whatever.

Detention Cell, Death Star
[Chewbacca ‘gets loose’ in the place where they’re keeping the Princess and our heroes brutally shoots everything in sight multiple times. Then, after everyone has been shot, they keep firing]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Stuff : [explodes]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Blaster : [pyoo!]
Stuff : [explodes]
Stuff : [explodes]
Stuff : [explodes]
Stuff : [explodes]
Voice on intercom : Ummm… everything okay there?
Han : Yes, totally
Voice on intercom : excellent, we’ll send in people to clean up
Han : D’oh!
(rewind)
Voice on intercom : Everything okay there?
Han : No, totally not!
Voice on intercom : Okay, we’ll send in backup
Han : There really was no way to properly answer that question was there?
(blasts control panel)

Han: Luke, we’re going to have company!
Luke : Oh great… now I’ll only have a couple of moments to try to chat up my sister

[Luke opens the door to Princess Leia’s cell. She is in soft, seductive repose, and seems to be in great shape for somebody who has probably been tortured for at least several weeks]
Leia : You’re a little short for a stormtrooper
Luke : Not the best of starts for my romantic move. But here goes… I’m Luke Skywalker!
Leia : ….
Luke : I’m here to rescue you!
Leia : …
Luke : I snuck on board the death star for you!
Leia : …
Luke : I (kind of) fought off sandpeople for you!
Leia : …
Luke : I (kind of) outran imperial slugs for you!
Leia : …
Luke : I brought your two droids!
Leia : …
Luke : Fine. Sigh. I’m here with Ben Kenobi….
Leia : Ewan MacGregor is HERE????
Luke : No, the old dude. I think his name is Guinness or something….
Leia : Maybe he’s still cute. Okay, I’ll come with.

[Blaster fire erupts as they leave here cell. Han comes charging at them in a panic]

Luke : Also, it seems we’re trapped in this corridor and more stormtroopers have been mobilised to kill us
Leia : ??
Han : Don’t look at me : HE’S the brains
Leia : ??

[Taking charge, Leia blasts a hole into the side of the corridor. Everyone jumps into the garbage disposal duct and almost dies from being overcome by the noxious fumes]
Luke : Still, things could be worse
Unidentified Monster : ROOOOARRRR!!!!!
Leia : I maintain this is still a better situation than we had up there
[The walls start to converge]
Han : …
Leia : Okay. It’s a line-ball call at this stage…

Back in the Control Room
[Artoo sticks a USB key with a secure remote connection to the entire Death Star Operating System, skims past the ‘Set silent self destruct with one hour delay’ command menu, and accesses the ‘stop garbage compactor closing’ menu instead. The walls of the compactor stop and everyone is saved. Woo!]

Death Star Corridor, a short time later
Leia : Don’t let’s do that again
Han : Seriously? She stopped to take a SHOWER?
Luke : You’re complaining?
Han : Well… no.

In a different Death Star Corridor
Ben Kenobi : [skulks]
Stormtroopers : [march in formation for no conceivable reason to no specific destination]
Ben Kenobi : [gets past them]
[Ben Kenobi crawls out onto a ledge to turn off a tractor beam. Which is kind of like this laser beam / light pointing up into the air. And yes, Artoo could have turned this off from the CONTROL ROOM, but obviously Ben is creating a diversion to bring Darth Vader to him. Which he could do anyway without all this skulking by just dicing up some stormtroopers and making a big noise. But he needs for Luke to see Vader cutting him down so that his larger plan can kick into action, so in essence this plan is devastatingly more complicated and optimistic than it seems at first.]

[But the crux of it is that as long as everyone else just stayed put in the command room and stayed out of sight and keeps quiet and doesn’t do anything too mad, the plan will work…]

Another Different Death Star Corridor
Han : Yeeha!!! (fires blaster maniacally)
Luke : Woooo!!! (fires blaster manically)
Leia : (fires blaster professionally)
Chewbacca : (fires crossbow… wait… CROSSBOW??)
Stormtroopers : [pyoo!] [pyoo!]
[Cavernswinging, good-lucking, plucky banter-ing, panel-blasting, blast-door-closing, blast-door-opening ensues, and then Han runs into the worlds biggest fully clothed stormtrooper urinal or something]

The Other Death Star Corridor
Ben Kenobi : F%&ing kids… well whatever. Oh, there you are.
Darth Vader : (Lightsaber Already On) I’ve been waiting for you Obiwan. Circlecomplete lastmetiwasthelearner nowiamthemaster
Ben Kenobi : (Lightsaber Fizzes Sputteringly On) Umm… dude… got some batteries? I think this thing is almost out
Darth Vader : …
Ben Kenobi : Fine, just kill me already
Darth Vader : ?
Ben Kenobi : Do it!!
Darth Vader : You went into hiding for thirty years and now you’ve landed here, of all places, right now, with a badly uncharged lightsaber, for the express purposes of stating that you’re here NOT to fight me? Well, I refuse to believe you have an ulterior motive in this, so I’m happy to oblige

[Darth Vader performs what in legal terms probably amounts to the assisted suicide of his former master. This is conveniently overseen by an impressionable farmboy]

Luke : WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!
Darth Vader : That irritating voice! Reminds me of… well, me, as a kid. Probably not worth bothering about though.

[The Millennium Falcon flies away as dozens of Stormtroopers misfire massively and completely fire to hit it, and not a single canon is fired at it as it leaves]

Death Star Command Room
Tarkin : You put a homing beacon on their ship?
Darth Vader : Sure did
Tarkin : Still too risky. Get some tie fighter pilots to chase them and allow them to be killed by them in order to add some credibility to their escape
Darth Vader : You know, that mission is probably not going to get a whole lot of volunteers

The Millennium Falcon interior, a short time later
Luke : Boom!!
Han : Our dichotomy opens the battle!!
Luke : I got one!
Tie Fighter: [explodes]
Tie Fighter: [explodes]
Tie Fighter: [explodes]
Tie Fighter: [explodes]
Arcade Machine : please insert quarter for new game
Luke : Do we have time to go again?
Han : ’fraid not
Threepio : (on fire) Oh dear
Leia : they obviously let us go
Han : What on earth are you talking about?

The Rebel Briefing
[The last dregs of the rebellion have desecrated a massive temple to use as a temporary storage location for a bunch of spaceships. The two dozen pilots are assembled to watch a powerpoint presentation briefing based on the plans Artoo never got around to emailing directly and instead delivered by hand. Han, who has no intention of having any part of this, nonetheless joins them so he can roll his eyes at the appropriate point]
General Dodonna : So basically, imagine Europe. We’ve got… what… this is the special edition of the film? So say twenty jet fighters to blow it all up.
Han Solo : [eyeroll]
Fighter Pilots : …
General Dodonna : Also, they have guns. Lots and lots and lots and lots of guns. But our analysts have determined that they’re used to firing at big things so probably they won’t be able to hit small things. Probably. Still they probably have ten or twenty jets of their own to defend the thing with. Again, that’s our analysts’ estimate.
Fighter Pilots : …
General Dodonna : And though those are actually good odds when you think about it, the problem is you can only blow up the Death Star by effectively throwing something the size of a marble at one small unprotected part of it that is, in fact, very well protected. Except not, if you think about it.
Luke : I used to… thing… the rat things… back home….with marbles. It’s quite easy.
Han Solo : [eyeroll]
General Dodonna: And did you do that while under enemy fire, with the entire fate of the universe at stake, including your sister/love interest, while being chased by the evil dark lord of the sith whose craft is better and faster than yours while your thought-to-be-dead mentor’s disembodied voice goes through your mind and the countdown clock to the unleashment of the Death Star laser is in negative territory and your one wingman has been shot down and the other has chickened off elsewhere and you’ve seen people and ships blown up in the cold depths of space and your artoo unit has been shot and is screaming over the intercom?
Luke : Well.. No. It wasn’t quite like that.
General Dodonna : Excellent. Good luck everybody.
Han : Well, I’m off.

Rebel base in desecrated temple, a short time later
Luke : So, Han. You heading off then?
Han : Yeah. What’s the use of a reward if you’re not around to spend it?
Luke : Any chance you’ll change your mind at the last moment, turn around, head back, and blow up the guys pursuing me just as the death star is about to fire so I can make the winning shot?
Han : … it’s hard to say
Luke : Think about it.

Kickass Space Battle above the planet Yavin
[Ships explode. The death star draws ever nearer. More ships explode. Luke almost gets killed. Multiple attack runs fail and the final attack run is scheduled to coincide with the last chance to blow up the station. John Williams’ score is totally bitchin’. Additional CGI ships and explosions are inserted [here], [here] and [here]. It is still, even with the massive and jarring difference in quailty between the original and restored and enhanced versions, pretty awesome. It goes on for some time. Eventually, after two failed raids down the death star’s lateral trench, the final group of fighters make their run and are pursued by three (3) enemy ships. Luke is in the centre and starting to get close to getting ready to take his shot]

Disembodied voice of Ben Kenobi : Use the force, Luke
Luke : Not really necssary. I’m liking the technology I have.
Disembodied voice of Ben Kenobi : USE THE FORCE, LUKE!
Luke : … look, it’s got a countdown going, it’s got that narrowing horizon graphic, the low-tech nature means it’s not overly complicated or distracting, the music is helping keep me amped up….
Disembodied voice of Ben Kenobi : …
Luke : Oh, fine.
(turns off all controls)
Rebel Control Room : What just happened???
Luke : You don’t want to know.
Rebel Control Room : We kind of have a vested interest in suriving this, you realise?

[Darth Vader and his evil henchmen wingmen show up and start bearing down upon Luke. They blow up wing man number one. They score a glancing shot on wingman number two who “bravely” leaves the battle rather than, say sacrificing himself by stepping on the brakes and taking out one or more of the bad guys. So it’s just Luke agains the three enemy ships bearing down on thim. Getting closer, closer, closer]

Darth Vader : I am attuned to the universe. I can sense the infinite connections between all living things and ride their presence across the stars. I sense Kenobi. I feel the force in the pilot ahead of me. I podraced as a five year old and this machine is lighter, spryer, and better armed. There is no greater feeling than this. It’s so responsive. I’m so single-mindedly attuned to everything around me that I can precision-laser-snipe the top of the head of the droid of the ship in front of me that’s being piloted by a force-adept pilot while updating my facebook profile and ordering a pizza WITH MY MIND. Check this out, beyotches.
Tie Fighter Pilot 1 : Oh, you were talking to us?
Vader’s Ship’s Laser : [pyoo!]
Artoon : EEEEEEEeeeeeee!!!!
Darth Vader : 20000 Midichlorians say ‘wooo!!!’

Han : WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Darth Vader : Okay, that? I didn’t see coming.
Tie Figher 1 : [explodes]
Tie Figher 2 : [collides with Darth Vader’s ship then explodes]
Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter : [spin – wheeeee!!!!!!!!]

[It’s just Luke racing against the firing sequence of the Death Star now. The order has been given by Tarkin and now the giant machine just has to… you know… warm up or do whatever it needs to do. This is it. Luke’s one chance]

Luke : Oh, easy as… (shoots marble)
Marble : nothin’ but net.
Every Rebel pilot killed in the attack : And he wasn’t in the first attack run because…?
Death Star : [wait for it ]
Death Star : [wait for it ]
Death Star : [wait for it ]
Tarkin : You know, I have a good feeling about this
Death Star: BBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Concussion Wave : SWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH
George Lucas : Woo!
Fanboys : [slapface]

The Victory Ceremony
[No dialogue, just John Williams’ score. The rebels have ripped open and desecrated yet another room in a temple to create a hall large enough to accommodate a large ceremony to their awesomeness]
Luke : [medal]
Han : [medal]
Chewie : [medal]
Threepio : [polished]
Artoo : [repaired]
Leia : [grins]
Luke : [grins]
Han : [grins]
Chewie : Rowr!
Circle Wipe : swish!

End Credits
Directed by George Lucas

General Dodonna : Um… now that the empire knows where we are, shouldn’t we, like, get the hell out of here? You know… quickly? Oh, and remember to take the fireworks with us, we’ll need those in Episode 6.

The End

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