For some reason, London is currently experiencing a drought. By which I mean not only is it not raining a lot, but there have basically been no premieres for nearly a month, and there won’t be any until about the 24th July. Which is crazy! … it’s like… other than take my chances with Quadrichopper-based photography, will I do?
Well… there’s always the occasional event at the Apple Store. In this case…. a pretty large one.
It’s a movie, it’s out in a couple of weeks, and rather than lay out a red carpet, they’re doing an event at the Apple Store. I hope this is not a sign of accountants deciding that the glitz and glamour of a London Premiere is no longer required. Because I Assure you, Messrs Accountants Et Al, that it totally, totally is. TOTALLY.
This is not glamorous. Possibly. It’s certainly guaranteed not to be in any way spontaneous and non-corporate. Unless there guys from Poland angling to hand out screenplays to attendees, I guess. But what are the odds of THAT happening?
Hmm… it’s no dudes with plastic knee protectors spraying possibly carcinogenic adhesive onto concrete to steady a red carpet, but in these desperate times I guess it’ll have to do.
Apparently Apple’s lawyers believe that our presence in this area constitutes consent to them and their partners to use my/our recorded likeness in all media in perpetuity. Umm… okay? Mind if I try? Apple, if you’re reading this, if you don’t get in contact with me within 2.8 seconds it’s explicit acknowledgement that I own your company. Woo! I think I own Apple.
“Making movies? Meh – I can also use this rig as a full-HD reverse parking sensor” I’m sure the 3D surround-sound on that is amazing.
Running fashionably late Keira Knightley, Mark Ruffalo and James Corden approach the stage. The sound of high-speed clicking you can imagine hearing is the disproporationately large Paparazzi group behind the Apple Film Guys, photographing Keira Knightley. Or… you know… maybe James Corden, who is pretty cool, too.
Rather amazingly, Keira Knightley elects to sit just slightly to the left of the woman with the greatest parabolic head-and-hair I’ve ever seen. I’m sure she won’t get in the way of my photos. Meanwhile, a small commotion behind me signals the Paparazzi arguing with a guy who has brought a pro camera and a 70-200mm lens into the public seating area. Mark Ruffalo, meanwhile is trying to book a Genius to talk to with problems he’s been having with his Macbook Pro.
“So as I understand it, since it’s been 7 years since Pirates of the Caribbean At Worlds End, you and Orlando Bloom are still another 3 years from catching up?” Damn that movie was pretty bad… only the one after it was worse.
“Come in Close. Come in Closer. Because the closer you look, the less you’ll see”. That’s pretty much why I stick with a 40mm prime lens at these things. It’s discreet and pretty decent in quality. Also : Now You See Me was a pretty great movie, and Mark Ruffalo was great in it.
“Look, I get that the Paps and you Fans in the audience are here for Mark and Keira. But Mark, it hurts when you say you don’t remember me. I was in THIS movie with you, so you DO know who I am”
“Keira…we had those scenes. Don’t you remember? Really?” Heart-breaking stuff. I last photographed Keira Knightley at the premiere of Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit earlier this year.
“Wait… you’re the Big Green Dude in The Avengers? No way” I’m pretty sure. His shirt’s unbuttoned for most of that movie, too, when he’s in Bruce Banner form. The Avengers is the only premiere I’ve previously photographed Mark Ruffalo.
“I’m trying to think back to High School, where I’m sure they told us how to conceptualise the formula for a perfect parabola like that head”
I knew even then, as our eyes met and our mutual smiles solidified the connection, that I was going to be really pissed off at that parabolic hairstyle between us.
“Hide and seek? On stage? With a ten second counter? Tricky…”
Insert caption here. I’ve stared at this photo long enough and I’ve got nothing.
“I never had any dreams of singing. But I did have a spoken word album I released as a student. LP longplay. Four hours long. We pressed 4000 units. Sold nine. Still paying off the debt. Regret nothing”
“Hold on. I’m pretending to play a game on my X-Box. This could take a while though because I’m also pretending to get a new high score” It was an interesting diversion.
It wasn’t me. I had no questions to ask. Other than the one about why tall people always sit in front of me.
Green Hulk filter courtesy of Photoshop, applause courtesy of Keira Knightley being a surprisingly capable singer. (Who knew?)
Random people in the crowd were chosen to ask questions, and one of our randoms was a Polish guy, who followed up his ambiguously phrased “Do you like movies and books?” question with a walk to the stage to hand a screenplay to both Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo.
“This plot is vague, the dialogue dull and expository, and the constant flashbacks mask an achingly simple yet illogical storyline. I LOVE IT!!” I’m massively unimpressed. It had totally been my plan to wait for an event featuring any of the writers Damon Lindelof, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman or David S Goyer and hand them a script. You know… just so they know what one looks like.
It wasn’t meant to be a comedy.
“It sucks, but Michael Bay will pay millions for this!!”
“I just wanna say ’f&&k you for not giving ME a screenplay to read” hilariously, that’s pretty much what James Corden did say. The irony being that James Corden, fittingly, IS a writer.
So…. that’s that. I guess even if it’s not a premiere, it’ll go into the Archive of Movie Premieres It kind of sucks that Berlin got the Transformers 4 premiere, abysmal though that film is meant to be…. and also that there was no premiere for The Fault In Our Stars…. or that the Hercules film brought The Rock to London but only had a photocall and a hotel interview…
… guess I’ll be on the streets in no time, taking photos of REAL people?
Until (hopefully) next time!