It’s not easy to make a Colombian man blush, yet my student was turning quite a becoming shade of scarlet. With sixteen pairs of eyes on me, marker board in my hand, I knew there was nothing in my training to get me out of this one.
I love nothing in this world more than language. I can’t quite believe I get to stand in front of a captive audience and talk about linguistics; how German, Dutch and English became different languages, whether “if I was” or “if I were” is correct, amazing African click languages, and whether the plural of a computer mouse is “mice” or “mouses” (think about it).
And I love those moments when my students teach me about the world and their place in it…..how in Korean culture, a man’s personality is dictated by his blood type (type B denotes a Casanova, AB a loon), and each person has two ages (counted from the day of your birth, but also the day of your conception). I’ve just discovered that in Turkey, a woman sitting crosslegged gives out….shall we say…..whorish emanations. Of course, this comes after two years of curling my feet up under me at my front desk.
But lord, it’s the mistakes that charm me and keep me smiling long after I’ve left the classroom. The student who gave me his resume to check, where I found the delightful fact that in his three months in Australia, he’s been working as a vacuum cleaner. Or the one who rested his hand against his swollen cheek and sighed that “my intelligent tooth is paining me” (wisdom teeth, hehe). Then there’s the one who stopped me in the hallway and invited me to dinner with the enigmatic statement “I want to spend time with you….you, and your phenomenon”. Never heard it called that before.
And while I like to think I’m providing a rewarding education for my charges, my Colombian may disagree. He’d called me over to his table, and murmured…..teacher….I need the word for…..um…..animals…you know… and sex.
And I, in my demure teacher’s clothes that still make me feel like I’m playing dressups, black rimmed glasses and tattoos hidden, told him: oh, you mean bestiality. And when he frowned and asked me to repeat it, I strode confidently to the front of the class and wrote it in huge sweeping letters across the board….BESTIALITY.
And then, yes, I counted the syllables on my fingers.
And had them repeat it.
Twice.
He wrote it happily down in his notebook and recapped for himself, almost under his breath, “OK, so that’s when animals have sex”. And I froze, and thought….oh god…what have I done? ‘To mate’!. How the fuck do I save this?
“Actually, no…that’s when humans…um….have sex….with animals.”
Silence. A sea of shocked faces staring at me. A Hello Kitty pen dropped off a desk and clattered ominously onto the floor. And then outraged exclamations – Disgusting!! Why you teach us this? We don’t have a word for this in Spanish/Japanese/Turkish/Korean/Russian!
“I thought that’s what you wanted to know!”
“Why – is it going to be on a test?!”
My voice of steely discipline tried to assert itself as I sat back down at my desk, looking for a grammar exercise to distract them from my appalling cockup. My jaw, my intelligent teeth, my whole damn head was paining me…..and then I opened my book….and curled my feet up underneath me.
© bellmusker 2007
by the skin of my intelligent teeth
Just a normal day then….
Anne van Alkemade
,
4 months ago
Ouch. Beautifully told. My face is blushing for you.
mick8585, 4 months ago
The lesson for everyone could be, ” dont assume”. I know I do all the time(bad habit).
Paul Louis Vil..., 4 months ago
LOL! This is the first thing I have read today and it’s going to keep me smiling for the next 16 hours!! :D
Jessica Tremp, 4 months ago
haha, i curl my feet up under me at my desk too…much to my boss’ disgrace
Kristy Lee, 4 months ago
“I want to spend time with you….you, and your phenomenon” – Now that’s a line I’d fall for hook, line and sinker!!!
Also ‘mice’ or ‘mouses’ really has me stuck!!
bellmusker, 4 months ago
Hahaha, the phenomenon line haunted me for months in the staff room!
I can’t believe you’re the only one to comment on the ‘mice’ or ‘mouses’ question. Truth is, because it’s such a new part of English vocab (meaning less than 50 years), linguists aren’t quite sure yet what the plural is. What do you prefer? Some students even suggest ‘meece’ or just ‘mouse’.....curious.
But then I find anything that allows me to open a dictionary to be endlessly fascinating :-)
greenbeards, 4 months ago
...took me right back to my ESL teacher glory days.
frownland, 3 months ago
Wonderful story!
davoid, 3 months ago
I really enjoyed this account of your classroom adventures. It made me laugh out loud which is great.
I’m a word geek too. I like looking new words up in the dictionary. I often jump around (figuratively) looking for the word used to describe a word, or the etymological root word(s).
Speaking of figuratively: people often say literally instead of figuratively. E.g. ‘I literally jumped out of my skin!’...
Also, have you noticed Australians can’t say the r in brought? E.g. ‘I was bought up in Newcastle.’ Drives me nuts, but I didn’t have far to go…
re: mice/mouse
I think mouses will prevail as the plural. Computer mouses makes sense but computer mice sounds strange. But that’s probably just me.
re: teaching language
So are you a ESL teacher? Wasn’t sure. If so, that is quite a demanding job. I volunteer at my local community centre and see what the ESL teachers do…I am currently creating/updating the visual aid boards for their classroom. Trying to make a picture for ‘wind’ (weather) is tricky….
Thanks again for the great piece.
bellmusker in reply to davoid’s comment, 3 months ago
I’m pleased to see someone shares my obsession with language! I’m there with you on philology – historical linguistics is my passion.
One of my favourite possessions is my huge etymological dictionary, worth far too much money and almost impossible to lug around, but precious to me nonetheless.
I agree with you about ‘mouses’, and I think that’s the general consensus. Still makes for an interesting discussion though!
Re: literally/figuratively…I’m addicted to the TV show “So you think you can dance” and when they make the teams in danger of being voted out perform, they sometimes say “you will now literally dance for your lives”. It never fails to amuse me – is there a hangman’s noose out the back?
I am an ESL teacher, yes, although writing is my main passion in life. I’ve had several stories published recently, and in my wildest dreams would love to write a book about the dialects of Brussels (my degree is in linguistics, specifically the linguistics of Germanic languages). But while I’m working on that, I do indeed teach the third conditional and passive voice to a crew of Colombian, Brazilian, Korean and Japanese students. I love, love, love it – a captive audience where I can talk about language all day!
That said,it is exhausting…..for someone who values silence and solitude as much as I do, it’s a strange career choice.
Good to see you back online!
davoid, 3 months ago
Re: etymology
I would love a good etymological dictionary. I find the dictionary that I have is OK but the etymology lacking, and there’s always different etymologies depending on where you look. It is subjective in a lot of cases.
I have a ‘Foreign Words Used In English’ dictionary that is OK.
re: language
I’ve always been interested in olde english; not sure why.
re: your stories
Well done. That must have been satisfying.
re: solitude & silence
I’m a loner it seems. I like talking to people when in the mood but am happy with my own company most times. My dream is to live somewhere quiet, away from people.
I like that quote: ‘I love humanity. It’s people I can’t stand.’
Jan Cartwright, 3 months ago
Came across this piece kind of by accident, but I loved it! Funny, informative (well, a little) and well-written. Would make a great scene in a play!
Digby, 3 months ago
That really is a funny story; and brilliantly captured.
I don’t teach many adult classes these days as my school is for kids, but there is nothing more satisfying than getting an adult English class all fired up and sharing their stories.
You really did tell that anecdote well. There is definitely a book in the antics, missteps and foolery of a language school.
joan warburton, 2 months ago
Oh, this was great! Thank you for passing it on to us!
Jan Piller, 2 months ago
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BYRON, 2 months ago
IN REPLY TO DAVOIDS POSTS ABOUT AN ETYMOLOGY DICTIONARY…
I use my Collins Dictionary as first port of call, it has pretty good basic etymology, from there I go to my Latin, Greek, French, and German Dictionaries. Failing that… ETYMOLOGY ONLINE is a fab website:
http://www.etymonline.com
I am a word junkie too.
Cathie Tranent
,
2 months ago
Bellmusker, at least I have now wiped the tears from my eyes enough to see what I am typing here!!
mice/mouses .. I’d like to think that mouses will get the nod, now just wait for some fool to try and work out where the apostrophe goes!!