regeneration
One of the blessings of agoraphobia – and yes, there are a few – is that it gifts you with a finely tuned awareness of safe spaces. Watching life pass by my porch was both a tantalising and yet devastating reminder of what I was unable to embrace.
I couldn’t leave my house for an appallingly long time, and I’m still dealing with the intimacy that encompasses reconnecting with people.
I still have a lot to learn.
regeneration belongs to the following groups:
Pleasure & Pain, The Word Tree and WMGI almost touched someone today
Almost
I heard her skateboard clack along the footpath
and I hated her
for the freedom it allowed
She didn’t see me
They rarely do
The leaves of this holly bush
shield my porch from the street
and so much more
I sit here all day
Safe with blood red berries
and sharp pointed leaves
“Dark and spiky” he once laughed
“just like you”
I knew I was healing
after two years of stale air
when I drew a ragged breath
and dragged this chair
to the light of the porch
The air from out here
feels like honey on my skin
I catch the words that float across
and try to remember
how they felt in my mouth
The wheels of her skateboard
sang defiant down the street
and when a breeze chose
to send her cap across to me
it felt like a gift
It swung loosely on a leaf point
and my hand
braver than my heart
reached out to unhook it
You could barely see the shaking
A grunt of thanks
and her song continued
I sat with my honey air
and blood red berries
and shook
I almost spoke to someone today
Almost.
© bellmusker 2007
H M Bascom
Very powerful.
Lisa Jewell
Absolutely breathtaking, I was on the edge of my seat reading….
Superbly written, you’ve conveyed so much more than an agoraphobic moment.
Anne van Alkemade
it’s beautifully written – so much so that I felt like I was observing the scene
I was there
Very nice indeed.
Melissa Vowell
sigh Bell you get me every time
juliejulie
wow Bell, this is really haunting in its loneliness and emptiness.
mawaho
Beautifully written from the heart. I feel anguish but also hope. Very powerful indeed.
loramae
Oh my…this touches my heart for you…I don’t understand agoraphobia, but I feel how it effects you…God love your heart and mine goes out to you…Extremely touching!
MissKristy
Good god…I have shivers. Absolutely breaktaking writing.
pauldrobertson
beautiful… the longing
RuthFroehlinger
You are talented!
Great piece
anaisnais
An awesome write, read with prickled anticipation to the close. An emotive piece with great imagery that paints the picture so you see your poem. You capture the very essence of he piece. Well done. Keep writing.
ktowers
very beautiful
PJ Ryan
oh wow, that’s so beautiful .. so beautiful xx
Jim Worrall
that is a wonderful piece, I can feel your anguish.
Brett Foster
Impressive writing. An emotional scene truly created from words!
SuliHawk
Lovely, “and my hand braver than my heart reached out to unhook it” such a powerful verse. So well written that I could hear the loudness of the skateboard upon the sidewalk and feel the warm saftey of the porch. My heart wishes you luck.
bellmusker
Thank you for all these comments; they really mean so much to me.
It’s been some time now since I dragged my chair onto the porch and out into the wide world, though it terrified me beyond belief at the time. I thought I would never, never overcome agoraphobia…but last year I knew I was truly back on my feet again when I actually emigrated to Europe from Australia.
Felt pretty damn proud of myself.
Eric Greiff
How powerful. I hope it’s on the have list now…
davoid
Quite a touching poem. Very well written. None of the words seem extraneous.
I didn’t know you suffered from agoraphobia. I am glad you have beaten it.
Craig Shillington
WOW!!! You are amazing for what you have achieved!!! I hope you continue to explore outwards. What an amazing piece to describe your condition at the time!!
Jennifer Vickers
This is a great piece of contemplation…we all have phobias if we are honest…some are more severe than others. You seem to be well on your way with dealing with this one.
Stormygirl
This was great it makes you see your own wants and wonder why we don’t push enough to do…..
Love it.
Dana DiPasquale
great
GenuineSuede
I was able to feel your anxiety and frustration and longing with sharp pin prick intensity. So well done.
blackirish
The tension and anxiety is palpable.
LostBoy
healing can take a lifetime…
bellmusker replied
And it often does, sweetheart…it often does.
Danielle Bain
i love the way you identify with holly, thank you for your comment. your writing is inspiring.
Soxy Fleming
I would like to learn how you manage to say the nice things about the bad things. I manage to find good things but they are escapes, they are not connected with the bad things. You make great beauty out of pain.
Naomi Downie
I loved the word “Almost”, it felt so intimate and fragile, I could feel your yeaning
to be and in your imagination you were flying with her. then you did fly over to australia,
so big courage, you have.
Robert Reeves
wow. felt that one. “Almost”... deep longing. wow.
April Mansilla
oh God this was so beautiful to read ….i could picture the whole scence in my mind
T SOUL
Painful and powerful!
jomei249
my god, how honest and vulnerable. This poem is a gift from the heart. I am not sure I would class as agoraphobic, but definitely hermit-like and could relate to parts of this deeply. Thanks.
bellmusker replied
Thank you so much, Jim; I really appreciate your comment.
I’m no longer agoraphobic, thank god, but I’m still unashamedly hermit-like. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing – it’s only when you can truly embrace your own company that you gain the most from that of other people.
That said, my hermit’s shell does tend to be thicker than others :-) Much strength to you, Jim.
PJ Ryan
i’ve re-read this again today .. just wanted to let you know .. it’s such a beautiful piece.
bellmusker replied
Thanks Nic; this piece means a lot to me, as does your comment. x
mausue
Beautiful poetry written with such emotion. The words flow smoothly connecting so well with the reader bringing us into your world of anguish. Beautiful work!!
bellmusker replied
Thanks Mausue….such a lovely thing to say!
adriansabah
Powerful. I was holding my breath as I read.
Glad you’re no longer agoraphobic. Nothing wrong with being hermit-like, as long as you enjoy your own company. I do.
bellmusker replied
There’s such magic in enjoying your own company; I think we’re the lucky ones, in a way…..thank you for your comment, I appreciate it :-)
Leith O'Malley
I never underestimate solitude Bell, it is a beautiful thing to those who don’t crave people, don’t need people.
I relate to these words although I have never been agoraphobic.
It’s not that I’m antisocial or anything, I just find most people hard work a lot of the time and love time to my self, contemplation and art.
By the way, wonderful canter in this work!
Pip Gerard
I felt every bit of it with you!! Just brilliant!
bellmusker replied
Cheers Pip, I appreciate it. This is one of my older pieces on RB but I still remember the feelings behind it; I remember them acutely. I’m glad this spoke to you.
rubyjo
I have tried to help a couple agoraphobic people, the healing comes from within. well written, love it.
bellmusker replied
The healing does come from within, I agree totally, and we can only really take that step when we’re ready for it. However, I’m sure your efforts were appreciated: when your world becomes that small, every friend is valued. Thanks for the comment :-)
Mardra
The pacing of this is excellent as tied to the emotional tension and – well, explanation. Thank you for sharing this.
bellmusker replied
You’re so welcome, Mardra. This is one of the first pieces I put up on RB and though I can tell my voice has changed since, I’m never going to alter this….it’s too evocative of a time in my life that I know I need to remember. Thanks for your kind comment, I appreciate it :-)
darkwhispers
beautiful in every way
bellmusker replied
Thank you, that’s a lovely thing to say. I feel quite protective of this piece, so to have someone drop by and comment on it warms me :-)
Paul Vanzella
this is amazing…. so well written!
bellmusker replied
Thanks Paul. It’s been a long time since I lived that life, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I’m glad you enjoyed this!
Christopher Wr...
These tender moments of human touch or almost…
Well written.
bellmusker replied
Thank you :-)