About a month ago, I reached into my bag for my little red notebook, and came up empty handed. Somewhere, in a night of rockabilly quiffs and double basses, it had fallen out. It wasn’t the lost addresses or stories that had my head in my hands; all I could do was groan ‘All my quotes! My quotes of 2011!’

So with the blessings of the eagle-eyed friend who found it, and the lashings of laughter and whiskey that inspired it, here’s the Red Notebook of 2011.

December wouldn’t be December without it.

January
I am not getting my wink on in 2011 – Lisa
So many crotches, so few knees – me
I need to meet you in person to assess your ass – Gretchen
Everyone looks good in their knickers in France – Gretchen
I’m not cute, I’m hardcore! Can I say that wearing a floral dress and stroking a deer? – me
I was totally up in their tiny little grills – me
She just sumoed you out of the circle of love – Adrian
You can’t lust after someone in Harry Potter – Gretchen
I like to be groomed – me
I like that we both come from covens of bitches – you know, all girl families – Gretchen
That statement is tattoo status – Gretchen
I knew he wanted to be patted – I could tell by his smile – me
If there’s an apocalypse in realestation, at least we’ll have Lisa’s flat – Jess
I wish I were cool enough to stop traffic – Adrian
Winking at the elderly makes sense – Lisa
If you’re cross-eyed walking out of a man’s joint, that’s totally something special – Gretchen
Since when do you need a saddle to ride your daddy’s back? – Lisa

February
Why do I have to get my hate on for Forrest Gump? – Lisa
Don’t get me started on my cyanide tooth – Jess
Phil Collins is the way forward – he will be the sexual revolution – Rachel
Poodles aren’t high on my dogometer – Sarah
I have incredible self discipline for everything except alcohol…and cowboys – me

March
I’m like a cat who throws up behind the house – Jess
If someone at the bar calls me love, I’ll chickenhead them – Gretchen
What’s the world’s oldest monobrow? – overheard in the Rose Hotel, Fitzroy
Lime – it’s not as good as it thinks it is – Jess
Oh, I have no 80s shame – me

April
What can you do with an IGA fetish? – Lisa
Is my flock of goats unruly? – me
I’ve always been sauna people – Jess
He yeehawed at my ex-boyfriend! – me
A sock monkey changed my life – Nick
It’s such a shame that Celtic mysticism has been sullied – Lisa
Don’t take it if you can’t own it – Gretchen
Put that in your mouth, and shush – Lisa
Are you going to be like Jesus now, and start killing people? – overheard on tram

May
Sorry we’re late – we’ve been out shooting wildebeest – Adrian
Oh god, that’s pulling my own hair good – me
We’ll be covered with snail juice and doobie crumbs – Jess
I was born straight in the guts of America – Gretchen
Wait, it’s almost at my filthy part – Gretchen
Well, the German thing had happened, and I had all the boob shots I wanted… – Adrian
Don’t give me any more quotes! I can’t write when I’m standing – me
You’ll love him, he’s people.
Wait…so he’s not a labrador, or a gelfling? – Gretchen and me
The bigger your ego, the shrivellier my na-na – Gretchen
Bell, you’re just a frustrated Viking – David

June
You missed out – you could’ve had an ox and an orgasm! – me
Oh, sorry – I just went to my happy moustache place – me
When you went to the bathroom you were Gretchen, but when you came back you were prowl – Adrian
Picture me in a pool with a skivvy – Adrian
Are you chickenheading my dad? – me
Yeah, but it’s about cows – it’s ok – Gretchen
I don’t think I could ever be described as unflappable – me
Oh, I’m very easily flapped – Mikey
You are Shakespearing the fuck out of Bell right now – Adrian
It fell in sadness from my mouth…it was a melancholy marshmallow – me
If I was in the market for a top hat for kittens, where would I look? – me
No-one looks good coming home from the gym…or the Gem – Adrian
That’s the first time I’ve been caught basking – me

July
I got angry at my future pizza because of that – Adrian
Come on Adrian – pump up the fucking jam – Lisa

August
We are the smitten police – Holly and Hilde
It’s all about the wodka – Holly
Any hole, any time, any place – that should be their motto – Holly and Hilde
Does that sign say ‘dry porn for beautiful people’? – Holly
I’m going to Frühstück the hell out of Godot – me
I’m having trouble making English sandwiches…I mean sentences! – Hilde
You’ve got me until the end of your days…don’t kiss me! – me
Did you just get frightened by my breasts? – me, to Hilde
It can’t be morbid if Boy George is involved – Gretchen

September
Once you’ve had reindeer, you can never go back – me
I’m going to Tokyo to be cunning – Adrian
I’m going to do it to you in German – Jess
Saints like arses too, you know – me
There are two points you can count on with men; the librarian thing, and the threesome – Lisa
That takes a lot of woman balls – Jess
I don’t want a private vagina! – as retold by Lisa S.
I can control my own teeth, if I absolutely have to – me
I’m quite happy being a middle-aged woman, in love with a vampire – Lisa
I can’t look pigeons in the eye anymore – me
Will you look at that red dress! I’d be all manner of strumpet if I wore that – me (and yes, I bought the dress).

October
You always need to own your own ruckus – Adrian
It’s not easy being enigmatic with a pig between your breasts, but I think I managed it – me
You’ll carry my tool bucket for me, right? – Adrian
I am not walking around with a chicken on my head! – Lisa

November
Can I please have a lemon, lime and bitters, and a housewife? – me (I have to point out, never have I made more verbal mistakes than the month I was sober – pretty sure I meant to say ‘a house white’).
I only turned into a snob last week – Poppy
I’m tossing up between the crackwhore, and the asparagus – Mikey
Fuck Disneyland – the Retreat in Movember is the happiest place on earth! – me

December
I looked at it without my eyebrows – me
Did you just hear my chore? – Jess
I like everything to do with gentle sports and drinking – Jess
Hey, I’m not going to make a trifle if it’s just a doobie party – Lisa
She just got all German on us – me
I’ve already built the orphan – Jess
I’m so glad that at no point did animal fisting enter the red book of 2011 – Adrian

There were so many more too….here’s to 2012, and more ink to spill with my extraordinarily beautiful friends!