About a month ago, I reached into my bag for my little red notebook, and came up empty handed. Somewhere, in a night of rockabilly quiffs and double basses, it had fallen out. It wasn’t the lost addresses or stories that had my head in my hands; all I could do was groan ‘All my quotes! My quotes of 2011!’
So with the blessings of the eagle-eyed friend who found it, and the lashings of laughter and whiskey that inspired it, here’s the Red Notebook of 2011.
December wouldn’t be December without it.
January
I am not getting my wink on in 2011 – Lisa
So many crotches, so few knees – me
I need to meet you in person to assess your ass – Gretchen
Everyone looks good in their knickers in France – Gretchen
I’m not cute, I’m hardcore! Can I say that wearing a floral dress and stroking a deer? – me
I was totally up in their tiny little grills – me
She just sumoed you out of the circle of love – Adrian
You can’t lust after someone in Harry Potter – Gretchen
I like to be groomed – me
I like that we both come from covens of bitches – you know, all girl families – Gretchen
That statement is tattoo status – Gretchen
I knew he wanted to be patted – I could tell by his smile – me
If there’s an apocalypse in realestation, at least we’ll have Lisa’s flat – Jess
I wish I were cool enough to stop traffic – Adrian
Winking at the elderly makes sense – Lisa
If you’re cross-eyed walking out of a man’s joint, that’s totally something special – Gretchen
Since when do you need a saddle to ride your daddy’s back? – Lisa
February
Why do I have to get my hate on for Forrest Gump? – Lisa
Don’t get me started on my cyanide tooth – Jess
Phil Collins is the way forward – he will be the sexual revolution – Rachel
Poodles aren’t high on my dogometer – Sarah
I have incredible self discipline for everything except alcohol…and cowboys – me
March
I’m like a cat who throws up behind the house – Jess
If someone at the bar calls me love, I’ll chickenhead them – Gretchen
What’s the world’s oldest monobrow? – overheard in the Rose Hotel, Fitzroy
Lime – it’s not as good as it thinks it is – Jess
Oh, I have no 80s shame – me
April
What can you do with an IGA fetish? – Lisa
Is my flock of goats unruly? – me
I’ve always been sauna people – Jess
He yeehawed at my ex-boyfriend! – me
A sock monkey changed my life – Nick
It’s such a shame that Celtic mysticism has been sullied – Lisa
Don’t take it if you can’t own it – Gretchen
Put that in your mouth, and shush – Lisa
Are you going to be like Jesus now, and start killing people? – overheard on tram
May
Sorry we’re late – we’ve been out shooting wildebeest – Adrian
Oh god, that’s pulling my own hair good – me
We’ll be covered with snail juice and doobie crumbs – Jess
I was born straight in the guts of America – Gretchen
Wait, it’s almost at my filthy part – Gretchen
Well, the German thing had happened, and I had all the boob shots I wanted… – Adrian
Don’t give me any more quotes! I can’t write when I’m standing – me
You’ll love him, he’s people.
Wait…so he’s not a labrador, or a gelfling? – Gretchen and me
The bigger your ego, the shrivellier my na-na – Gretchen
Bell, you’re just a frustrated Viking – David
June
You missed out – you could’ve had an ox and an orgasm! – me
Oh, sorry – I just went to my happy moustache place – me
When you went to the bathroom you were Gretchen, but when you came back you were prowl – Adrian
Picture me in a pool with a skivvy – Adrian
Are you chickenheading my dad? – me
Yeah, but it’s about cows – it’s ok – Gretchen
I don’t think I could ever be described as unflappable – me
Oh, I’m very easily flapped – Mikey
You are Shakespearing the fuck out of Bell right now – Adrian
It fell in sadness from my mouth…it was a melancholy marshmallow – me
If I was in the market for a top hat for kittens, where would I look? – me
No-one looks good coming home from the gym…or the Gem – Adrian
That’s the first time I’ve been caught basking – me
July
I got angry at my future pizza because of that – Adrian
Come on Adrian – pump up the fucking jam – Lisa
August
We are the smitten police – Holly and Hilde
It’s all about the wodka – Holly
Any hole, any time, any place – that should be their motto – Holly and Hilde
Does that sign say ‘dry porn for beautiful people’? – Holly
I’m going to Frühstück the hell out of Godot – me
I’m having trouble making English sandwiches…I mean sentences! – Hilde
You’ve got me until the end of your days…don’t kiss me! – me
Did you just get frightened by my breasts? – me, to Hilde
It can’t be morbid if Boy George is involved – Gretchen
September
Once you’ve had reindeer, you can never go back – me
I’m going to Tokyo to be cunning – Adrian
I’m going to do it to you in German – Jess
Saints like arses too, you know – me
There are two points you can count on with men; the librarian thing, and the threesome – Lisa
That takes a lot of woman balls – Jess
I don’t want a private vagina! – as retold by Lisa S.
I can control my own teeth, if I absolutely have to – me
I’m quite happy being a middle-aged woman, in love with a vampire – Lisa
I can’t look pigeons in the eye anymore – me
Will you look at that red dress! I’d be all manner of strumpet if I wore that – me (and yes, I bought the dress).
October
You always need to own your own ruckus – Adrian
It’s not easy being enigmatic with a pig between your breasts, but I think I managed it – me
You’ll carry my tool bucket for me, right? – Adrian
I am not walking around with a chicken on my head! – Lisa
November
Can I please have a lemon, lime and bitters, and a housewife? – me (I have to point out, never have I made more verbal mistakes than the month I was sober – pretty sure I meant to say ‘a house white’).
I only turned into a snob last week – Poppy
I’m tossing up between the crackwhore, and the asparagus – Mikey
Fuck Disneyland – the Retreat in Movember is the happiest place on earth! – me
December
I looked at it without my eyebrows – me
Did you just hear my chore? – Jess
I like everything to do with gentle sports and drinking – Jess
Hey, I’m not going to make a trifle if it’s just a doobie party – Lisa
She just got all German on us – me
I’ve already built the orphan – Jess
I’m so glad that at no point did animal fisting enter the red book of 2011 – Adrian
There were so many more too….here’s to 2012, and more ink to spill with my extraordinarily beautiful friends!
Lisa Jewell
Oh Babe,
this is exactly what I needed this afternoon…
“It’s not easy being enigmatic with a pig between your breasts, but I think I managed it – me”
LOL I can’t stop laughing
they are all brilliant and I’ve decided I’m going to get my wink on in the last few days and wear that chicken too hehe
oh and without eyebrows on ?
xxx
bellmusker:
Hehe, the eyebrow quote was when I realised that my mirror face includes raising my eyebrows, so that my recent fringe trim was far, far too short :-)
And the pig was my retelling of Jess and Mikey’s piglet party, when The Cowboy walked in and found me clad in gingham, clutching her to my chest, covered in pig mud and making oinking noises…good times!! X x
Soxy Fleming
i really needed to read this right now! lots of chickens…any pictures of the red strumpet dress?
bellmusker:
Thanks Soxy – seemed just right for Boxing Day! I will look for Red Strumpet Dress pics :-)
Mel Brackstone...
Damn, nearly made it to 2012 without mention of animal fisting!!! :) Best to you for 2012, Bell, and thanks for all the tales :)
bellmusker:
Trust Adrian, hey? I had the notebook all typed up already, but this week made me crack the spine many more times to add to it. All the best to you and yours, Mel :-)
Soxy Fleming
looks like Lisa and I both needed it!
bellmusker:
I dished Lisa up three serves of trifle on Christmas Day…she and I are both too full to roll off the couch today!
Paul Louis Vil...
That was fantastic!! Made my day! :D
bellmusker:
Thanks Paul – all the best to your lovely family :-)
Lisa Jewell
oi I only ate the three serves of trifle because… well just because I don’t normally eat sweety things and it seemed the Christmas thing to do, not to mention it would get me out of pudding…:)) but there was chocolate ripple cake and I might have had a slice of that last night, hence I can’t move much beyond this seat today LOL
bellmusker:
Hehe, sorry babe – I meant ‘a serve from three trifles’!
For everyone else, we had The War of the Trifles on Christmas Day, with three of them, and me as official taste tester. I piled a plate high for Lisa, who has no sweet tooth at all, but she didn’t let me down :-)
And babe, just as you were posting this, I was guiltily tucking into my third serve of the day. It is literally all I’ve eaten today, and I can’t promise it’ll be the last.
If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow, get the intervention ready :-)
Lisa Jewell
LOL babe,
I spat my white out
I’ll call in the trifle guards if need be….
LOL you know I’ve some ingredients left to make a small choco trifle, should I go ahead and make it for you LOL
gosh I’m hysterical and delirious xx
bellmusker:
It’s all the sugar, my darling :-)
Lisa Jewell
I should have known :)
bellmusker:
Welcome to my world! x x
Lisa Jewell
I’m so full today I can’t fit into my boobs….very annoying.
bellmusker:
Um…I can’t pretend to understand that, babe! The sugar really has gone to your head :-)
Matt Penfold
Another fruitful year for the red notebook, certainly brought a smile to my face and plenty of chuckles, thanks Bell :)
(I wonder why Lisa had a mouth full of white out?)
bellmusker:
Glad it made you chuckle, Matt :-) And you know Lisa!
Lisa Jewell
never having sugar again….phew that felt right to say :) LOL
xx
bellmusker:
So you’re never drinking wine again, then? :-P Hehe, love you x x
berndt2
I started with an idea of writing down which quote(s) was(were) the funniest, but then I would have copied and pasted pretty much everything into this comment, which would have been redundant. As it stands, these are totally awesome and manic and you and your friends should have a film crew next to you all the time. It does make me wonder whether I should check my writings and see if I can do extracts from my favourite maniacal rants of 2011. F&%king Transformers3… oh, and Merry Christmas!!
bellmusker:
And this is the edited version!! The full version was printed out and read around the table on Christmas Day, with the Rolling Stones playing, rain falling on the grass, and cups of sangria with fresh mint raised high in celebration….how I love having such entertaining friends :-)
And yes, yes – judging by the wit and wisdom in your journals, you should absolutely write a rant list!
Cosimo Piro
Well Bell… you’ve certainly served up a treat here!. No trifle matter at all. Wink, wink… or is that oink, oink? I’m happy to hear that no animals suffered any humiliation or harm in this humorous compilation. Good to have a chuckle or three… I’m off to have a housewife… I mean a house white! Be seeing you. LOL
bellmusker:
Cos, the housewife one is still one of my personal favourites :-)
Looking foward to seeing you, and clinking rum glasses X x
berndt2
Wow – mirth with added sangria? surely the opening salvos in the following year’s red journal would have been fired at the very reading of the prior year’s best-ofs!?
bellmusker:
Ah, but I’m quite pedantic about my notebook: no 2012 quotes until after midnight on New Year’s Eve :-)
msdebbie
I love these notebook quotes Bell. Thank the stars yout friends found it when lost. Would have been a sob sob sob saga otherwise. I too request pics of the red strumpet dress – I always love them too!!!
bellmusker:
I have so many red dresses! A woman can never have enough though, right? ;-) And yes, my friend who found the notebook got a hug that lasted a full minute…thank god for her!
gretchen cello
Finally a forum where I feel understood :) Simply perfect. x
bellmusker:
Can’t wait until August, where I can pin down more of your pearls of wisdom in black ink. Miss you! X
LindaR
LOL…what a great collection ~ trying to figure out which month I’d like to call a fav but then that is about impossible! get your red dress on, stock up on ink and keep it coming this new year Bell ~ cheers!!!
bellmusker:
December was sorely lacking, until a night of cider and chicken bones at our local pub…but that’s a whole other story! :-)
clancy214
i needed a read like this today!
bellmusker:
Glad to be of service!
naomimdownie
fav= What can you do with an IGA fetish? – Lisa
I am so feeling this one
bellmusker:
Sorry Naomi, I must’ve missed this comment! Yes, that was Lisa, who features in the Little Red Notebook more and more frequently over the years. You should have heard what she said last night, my lord! ;-)