bellmusker

Teacher, want you dinner with me?

Ah, thanks, but school policy advises us not to …..um….date our students. Maybe we could have a class excursion to a restaurant?

I not interested with class. I just want you…...you, and your phenomenon.

The torture of wonderful lines like that is that you splutter, and turn to raise your eyebrows at someone in mischievous solidarity – and are met only by the confused gaze of a shy young Korean man, totally perplexed as to why his teacher is turning purple.

I love my job. Linguistics keeps me alive, and being able to teach about the Germanic language family, Chaucerian couplets and non-defining relative clauses to a sea of eager Russian, Japanese, Brazilian and Turkish students makes me shine. And their deliciously inept grasp of my troublesome language keeps me entertained for hours.

On a resume – In my three months in Australia, I have been working as a vacuum cleaner.
In a diary – I ran for the train and jumped on the last part of it. How say that – train’s tail? Train’s arse?
On a job application – For the last three summers, I have done a lifeguard in Pusan.

Without a doubt, the most notorious part of English for most students is prepositions. These irksome little grammar particles are so hard to get right, and have resulted in some of my favourite mistakes.

1. I don’t have my dictionary today – I left it in my housemate.
2. So I went to the pub last night, and this guy came on me at the bar.
   – He did what?!
   – Flirted with me…why, is wrong?
   – Ah, I think you mean he came onto you. There’s a world of difference, be careful!
3. – So let’s talk about your daily routines, practise some adverbs of frequency.
   – Well, every Sunday evening I eat out my wife.
   – Excuse me?!
   – Yes, sometimes we have Italian food, sometimes Thai…..are you ok?
   – Ah, you need another preposition; eat out with my wife…..please.

The cultural differences trigger dischord also, and give some memorable moments; like the man who thought it was socially acceptable to pick his nose while I was talking to him, and wipe his findings across his cheek. Shudder. Tattooed women come in for speculation also; for many of my Japanese students, that’s a sign of the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia, while for others it’s the sign of ahem ‘a woman of easy virtue’. Although my tattoos are covered in my ritzy private language college, many of my students know about them, and react in different ways. My feminist feistiness also gets challenged, like with the Korean student who wrote a job application stating ‘although I am just a woman, I think I could still do this job’. One student walked into a colleague’s class, took one look at her and went straight to the office to demand a male teacher because ‘a woman has not enough knowledge’. Oh my lord, where do I begin?

Pronunciation gives me joy too, like the Vietnamese student who told his host mother ‘I want fuck you in my room’. It took quite a few perplexed questions and a spot of miming before she realised he was actually saying ‘vacuum’. Each language has its own particular problem area, such as Spanish students going to St Kilda Bitch each weekend, instead of beach, or Japanese students talking about the national erection instead of election….....how I keep a straight face, I don’t know.

Actually, I have to say I often don’t! And I really don’t think they mind. Given that I’m a flame haired tattooed pagan wench whose teaching style derives from her dominatrix days and who bases her image half on a librarian, half on Van Halen’s ‘hot for the teacher’ video, who plays Pantera for her class to analyse the lyrics and takes them to quiz nights at the Cherry Bar….what’s a little laughter at the end of the day?

My favourite story, which some of you may be familiar with, involves a shy young Colombian man who beckoned me over and whispered ‘what’s the word for animals, and sex?’ I wasn’t sure why he needed to know, but I told him ‘Ah, that’s bestiality’. The other students overheard and I ended up writing it on the board, drilling them in pronunciation and syllable stress, and they all wrote it in their little notebooks. And then the student said, almost to himself, ‘Ok, so that’s when animals have sex’. And I froze. ‘Hang on, no…..that’s mating. When animals have sex, they mate.’

‘Oh, I see. So what’s bestiality then?’

I don’t think my class ever looked at me quite the same way again.

Just a little musing….but you’ll have to excuse me, class is about to begin. And I have my little red notebook open and ready….who knows what gems will be delivered today?