speak
Phew.
Thank god I’ve done it.
The last two weeks have seen the Melbourne Emerging Writers’ Festival hit town, a riot of word worship that makes me shine. I look forward to this each year and throw myself into the workshops and speeches, loving the showbags and networking my little heart out.
Their annual Zine fair is glorious to me: the very first writing I submitted was to a punk writing collective that put out zines, about ten years ago. I still have fabulous memories of us crowded around coffee tables, stapling our little hearts out to a soundtrack of Bikini Kill and Seven Year Bitch. We only made a run of 200 for each issue, but when they sold out we swilled champagne and loved every single minute. Getting a government arts grant of several thousand dollars to help finance our work, being included in several zine anthologies and having letters of support from as far afield as Chile and Copenhagen certainly helped pour more words forth. I used to marvel at seeing my words in print, and wonder whether I could carve out a future for myself by specialising in ink spilling.
This festival, I was fully content to yet again sit in the audience and observe, scribbling in my little red notebook and coming away inspired. Instead, I got an email from the director of the festival asking me to be part of a discussion panel and give a speech on my writing journey.
At the Melbourne Town Hall.
Ahem.
I said yes, yes, yes, of course I can do that. Simple, right? I mean, I’m not afraid to stand in front of a crowd and talk about what words mean to me, how I can’t leave the house without a collection of red notebooks, how the writing communities I surround myself with help to sustain and inspire me, how words always pour forth.
Not at all daunting.
I woke this morning with demons tangled in my hair and a pathetically dry mouth, thinking, sweet jesus, why did I agree to do this? What was I thinking?! In the lead up to this I’ve had to do press releases and interviews, at home in the written word and the page I can hide behind. Today, however, I had to stand in front of a microphone at the Melbourne Town Hall in a huge room full of writers and editors and journalists, and tell my tales.
I didn’t throw up. My voice shook, and I clutched the podium for support, but after the first thirty seconds the strangest thing happened. I realised that I was talking about my favourite thing in the world, WRITING, and all my fear dissipated. I didn’t even read from my notes in the end, just spoke from my heart – turns out I managed to include Duran Duran, the Fraggles and the Lunachicks, which is no mean feat – and I even managed to draw laughter at several points, which felt glorious.
I know I’m on the first few steps in this incredible journey of being a writer, and I have a long way to go. But today, after such a confronting and immensely rewarding step on that journey, I’m so, so sure that my feet are leading me in the right direction. I can’t begin to tell you how pivotal a role Red Bubble has played in this…....and that includes every person who reads or comments on my work.
So thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a deep breath and swill some whiskey…...it’s been a long day!
awdigitaldreams
A very big hearty congratulations!
bellmusker replied
Thanks so much….it’s all the more enjoyable now that it’s over :-)
jemimalovesbigted
WOO HOO! That sounds like a total rush! Wish I had been there to witness it all. Congratulations Bell, and it is something you totally deserve. I am so happy for you to be able to see your dreams come true. x
bellmusker replied
Thanks so much sweetheart….I was a little hush hush about it due to nerves, but it all feels good now! Thanks so much for your warm words, I really appreciate them x x
LittleHelen
A standing ovation from me :D and hugs and kisses xox
(I can’t believe you threw in Duran Duran…Ha!)
Goodnight Bella…see you very soon ;) x
bellmusker replied
Ah darlin’, now that this is over I have only one thing in my vision: meeting you at Sydney airport in two weeks and winging our way over to the States. Bring it on! x x
Soxy Fleming!
fantastic, well done
bellmusker replied
Thank you! Public speaking isn’t my forte but the rush of adrenalin afterwards sure felt good :-)
Mel Brackstone
Get that whisky inta ya!!! Huge congrats bell!!!!!!
bellmusker replied
Cheers Mel!! The whiskey is going down a treat, I must say :-)
Holly Ringland
could i be prouder of you? no, i don’t actually think i could considering how puffed up and beaming i am right now.
you know, i imagine being one of the people in the audience today who listened to you speak my beautiful girl of bells. i imagine that tonight, i’m somewhere in my home, thinking the millions of thoughts people do… where in amongst them linger the words of an incredibly articulate, inspired infectious writer i listened to speak today at a writer’s festival… and there’s a particular phrase, or sentence, or retort she made that i can’t get out of my head… about her love of language, words and writing… and i imagine the buzz i’d feel in my fingertips, in my step… the yearning in me i imagine that writer, that inspired speaker, woke up in me to remind me of my own fire i remembered after hearing her speak, after being exposed to her feverish love of words. and i imagine i’d tell myself in a fleeting passing sort of way to remember her words, remember her name… because, amongst the hustle and bustle of the rest of life, i imagine i’d know today that i saw and listened to the voice of a writer who’s name is without a doubt to be on many book covers to come.
jelly bean, i genuinely couldn’t be prouder.
p.s. duran duran, fraggles AND lunachicks? next time you tell me you’re cancelling plans to devote a day to writing a speech, i’m going to remind of this sheer genius you pulled out today.
so much love xxx
bellmusker replied
Tommy girl, when you texted that you were sending me your light, there was no better gift you could have given me. I felt it there today – felt you there today – as surely as if you were sitting in the front row, beaming that stunning smile at me with that glorious red lipstick of yours,
And Duran Duran, fraggles and the Lunachicks…..welcome to my world! x x x x
aglaia b
oh my goodness, reading this made my night. bell
the way you describe this makes me feel like i was almost there!!!
huge congratulations to your girl. ;
) xox) xoxit also reminded me of when we bumped into kathleen hannah after a bikini kill gig, way back in the day at some night club. the room was not at all full, and she was walking around aimlessly staring into space, no one was noticing her except for us. i was dying to go chat to her and when i built up the courage to do it, as i walked towards her i became soooooo nervous. alas now i can say, to people who can relate, i talked to the lead singer of bikini kill. LOL ;
bellmusker replied
Good lord woman – is there anyone you haven’t met?! I’m still recovering from Annie Sprinkle! My background is lush with feminist punk stories – next time we meet I’ll tell you of climbing under a table at a frenetic Babes In Toyland gig, only to find Kat Bjelland already curled up there….I shared my sedatives with her and had a cackle at the crowd…truly a wondrous memory. Thanks for your comments babe, I always love your stories! x x
aglaia b
hahahhaa, fuck, what a story!!!!!!, she’s gorgeous. i was at that gig, i’ll never forget it, it was at the espy??? somewhere smallish in st. kilda. LOL ;-) xox
DeviousLili
Oh sweetheart, this is Excellent news!! So incredibly in awe of you and amazed at your courage, your strength, and your Light. You shine as a million glow-sticks held aloft in the all-consuming darkness of Quintessence. You rock, darlin’! xox
bellmusker replied
You shine as a million glow-sticks held aloft in the all-consuming darkness of Quintessence
What a fabulous comment to wake up to this morning!! Thank you so much Stephanie, that’s just made me glow even more :-) x x
aglaia b
the prince of wales
i remember the gig. hehe
bellmusker replied
That’s the one!! If you had’ve looked under a table in the corner, you’d have seen Kat and I in our matching babydoll dresses and bleached white hair, washing Valium down with tequila….ah, memories!
Leith O'Malley
Well done Bellzville!
A well earned whiskey that one, no doubt :)
You’ll be a public speaking veteran before you know it hehee!
Next time you must record it though so some of us can hear the voice behind the work :D
Congrats!!!
bellmusker replied
Leith, I even managed to work a Smiths lyric into my speech. I talked about my shock the first time an editor changed my work, and removed a semi colon…...I played up my outrage, to much laughter, and then said “I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible” .....and I did think, ha, Leith would be proud. So you were there on the day! :-)
Paul Grinzi
Well done … what a relief, and achievement!
bellmusker replied
Relief is right, Paul! Now I can relax and focus on travelling to the States in two weeks….life is pretty sweet at the moment, I must say :-)
Pip Gerard
that’s such a fabulous story. If anyone were to read that and then hear that you were once housebound I know for sure they’d find it very hard to believe! You’re an incredible inspiration!! Congratulations on a HUGE day in your life. thanks for sharing it.
bellmusker replied
Thanks so much Pip, that means a lot to me. I did mention agoraphobia in my speech, as that’s when I learnt to focus on words as my lifeline, and I saw a few raised eyebrows. It’s all part of my journey though, and led me to where I am today….which is pretty damn wonderful, I have to say!
natapee
How incredible. I was actually thinking of you just this afternoon and wondering if you might have been speaking today. What a rush it must have been, god I love that feeling when you feel you’re way over your head but at the same time excited. All I can do is smile having reread this twice, I love that you didn’t even end up reading from your notes. I’m really proud of you and thrilled to have become acquainted with you and your words. Looking forward to hearing what’s next xxx
bellmusker replied
Aw Nat, I must’ve absorbed your lovely vibes because I didn’t shake much at all – thanks for thinking of me! And thank you so much for saying you’re proud of me, that brings such a lump to my throat. So much appreciated, sweetheart x x x
Lisa Jewell
I knew it….I had no doubt you’d be perfect….indeed talking about one of your great passions…I only wish I’d been there to listen. Much love for you xxx
bellmusker replied
Thanks so much babe, you were there in spirit. Just imagine my parents in the audience, beaming their love, and you’ll know I wasn’t alone. x x x
Enivea
Oh the biggest biggest congratulations Bell! I can barely type for the emotion I feel about your story – crickey – now I feel like I need a whiskey! You are truly inspirational!! Yay!!!:-))))))))))))))
bellmusker replied
Thank you!!! It was confronting and scary and in the end, so much damn fun that I can’t get it out of my mind. So glad you can share that with me :-)
Leith O'Malley
Please, please , please.. let Bell get what she wants.. this time.
:)
Alex McAughey
Congratulations bell and extra credit for mentioning the Fraggles. Anyone who can incorporate them into a speach will go a long long way.
bellmusker replied
Thanks Alex – I am quite partial to those furry little critters, and it got me a few laughs! :-)
Down in Fraggle Rock clap clap
friartuck
From ‘can’t leave the house’ to speaking gigs at the Melbourne Town Hall – a worthy achievement Belle and no mean feat. As well as the whiskey you can take a quiet moment to pat yourself heartily on the back.
Cheers,
Kloose.
bellmusker replied
Ah, a comment from Kloose…always certain to make me smile! Trust me, there was enough whiskey swilling yesterday to last me several months. ouch. Onward and upward, hey? :-)
fleece
:)
bellmusker replied
Who’d have thought it, hey? :-)
Naomi Downie
well done
bellmusker replied
Thanks, Naomi!
anya
Hey there Bell. Well, I scoured the Emerging Writer’s website for your name. I ticked and hummed through the possible panels you might be part of. I rubbed my chin and wondered. I travelled to Melbourne yesterday and took in the sights between meetings about phones and beer (don’t ask – it’d kill you if you knew). All the time my thoughts were with you, wondering how it had all gone, and how it must have felt to feel the rush of the heat of people sitting in front of you waiting for you to perform. I saw them in my mind’s eye like over-keening plants, all leaning towards the light. And I am so glad that you were buoyed up, held, by the love from those who love you. Well done Lady of Bell. You are certainly well selected, and represent all of RB’s struggling and glorious voices.
bellmusker replied
Thank you so much, Anya – your words of support are balm for my soul. It was daunting, but so liberating, to stand in front of a microphone and tell of my passion for words and their inky glory. As for searching for my name, well, you might not know my professional writing name? I will tell all on Sunday over a mulled wine, or perhaps a honey martini :-)
Pip Gerard
absolutely bloody damned wonderful – I say for sure!!!
Those people that raised their eyebrows better have been raising them in recognition and awe… if they were even thinking of raising them in judgement or superficiality… then they need a good kick in the arse and I’d be the first to put the boot in!! Then I’d feel sorry for them for not being able to feel and see the world as those sensitive souls like yourself do!!
bellmusker replied
Everyone was immensely supportive, no fear – they laughed in all the right places, applauded heartily, and lingered afterward to shyly ask me for advice on their writing. It was, in short, an amazing experience.
I’ve chosen the right career: for once it doesn’t count against me that I’m a flame-haired tattooed pagan wench with a Medusa fixation and shady past…..writers are expected to be colourful! :-)
mstrace
you are such a fracking badass hells bells! I’ve danced around my house in your honor with a bottle of Mirabelle in my one hand and a champagne goblet in the other.
I can’t wait to see you and that infamous red notebook of yours. My oh my oh me oh my.
bellmusker replied
Bring on the champagne goblets!!! And I have no doubt that your words of wisdom will be transcribed into my little red notebooks, my girl….no doubt at all. See you in less than two weeks!! x
Ash Sievwright
O hearty hearty congratulations. The Town Hall hey? I’m impressed. And I SO understand – to hate evil evil horrible public-speaking, but to be speaking about something you love so much – it feels so conflicted and confusing. But you’ve done something wonderful – got swept up and taken away with it. Congratulations again.
bellmusker replied
Thanks! I actually don’t mind public speaking that much, and wasn’t nervous in the lead up, but standing in front of those microphones….my lord, that was something to remember! You can’t help but be wary of a large crowd staring at you, waiting to be entertained. I was so, so thrilled to be invited, but now very damn glad it ’s over :-)
Ash Sievwright
PS: Fraggles?
bellmusker replied
Hehe, I said I started keeping a diary at seven, and how that early writing was less than scintillating…..probably just discussions of Duran Duran lyrics and Fraggle Rock episodes…..so rewarding to hear lots of people chuckling! And you know the Fraggles rocked.
drpepper73
I’m so so very proud of you!!! I’ve always told you that I think you’re stronger than you know!!!
bellmusker replied
My love, you’ve been telling me that for over ten years now and you know, I think you just might be right! But the same goes for you…..without a shadow of a doubt x
Damian
Wonderful! Wish I could’ve been down there to listen in too :)
bellmusker replied
Thanks Damian…....it was an experience, all right! I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but I’m sleeping much better now it’s over :-)
loopyb
Hey my darling girl – I’m sitting here in the back seats and watching as you rise up like the shining star you have always been. So much to say – its been ages. So lovely to watch you in your glory. Congrats on your talk – I wish I could have seen it live. You amaze me and I love you. Hope we can catch up soon. Are you in NY yet? Thinking of you heaps.
bellmusker replied
Hello you!! Welcome to my beautiful little bubbling world! At this moment I’m sitting on MsTrace’s couch in sunny LA, eating popcorn and watching a baseball game. This morn she picked us up in a limo, from where we watched LA slide past our darkened windows as we swilled champagne and cackled into the summer sky….life is good!!! x x x