A weird old woman has moved in with me !!!
I don’t know who she is or where she’s coming from.
I didn’t invite her but suddenly one day she was there.
She’s a cunning sort – most of the time she keeps out of the way.
But if I am passing by a mirror I can catch a glimpse of her.
If I’m standing in front of the mirror she stands there in front of me preventing me from seeing my own gorgeous reflection.
I’ve tried to yell at her “go away” – but she just shouts right back at me.
I find that cruel.

If she has decided to hang here the least she could do was pay some kind of rent – but no. Sometimes I find a few coins in a pocket or under the pillows in the sofa – but that doesn’t amount to much.
The thing is – without jumping to conclusions – I think she’s stealing from me. Every time I have been to the hole-in-the-wall – the money just disappears. There is no way I could have squandered that much money.
The only explanation must be that the woman steals. She looks very much in need of a facelift that must be where the money goes.

But money is not the only things that go missing.
Food like chocolate and wine and other good things mysteriously go missing too. I can’t have that kind of things in the house anymore; she seems to have an insatiable appetite. But she ought to be careful – 10 seconds in the mouth – ten years on the hips I say.
I think she understands the problem – I am convinced she has tampered with the bathroom scales. It shows far too much when I stand on it – that’s her cunning way to make me believe I have eaten it all and gained weight.

Poor woman – for such an old person she is rather childish. She changes my clothes so they no longer fit me. She messed with my papers and other things so I can’t find anything anymore. This is particularly hard to take as everybody knows that I have always been very tidy and in control.
She even messes with my videotapes so I accidentally records over something I wanted to keep.

It’s the strangest things she does to tease me.
The letters in my mail and newspaper she smudges, so I can barely see what it says.
She tampers with the volume on radio and TV so that I only hear a mumble.
She has raised the steps and made the Hoover heavier.
She puts superglue on packs, cans and bottles so I can’t open them.
Do you think her way of “thanking me” for my hospitality is fair?

At night she snores so loud that I wake – very disturbing
She follows me wherever I go
When I’m in a store trying out clothes – she’s trying out the exact same outfit – standing in front of me in the fitting room, so that I can’t see my reflection. I can only see how bad it looks on her.

I didn’t think she could think of anything else to annoy me … but guess what happened when I needed a new passport photo?
Just as the blitz flashed the silly cow stepped in front of me.

So now I have to have her in my passport for the next 10 years !!!