The Monkey's Top 11: Eleven Facts I Hold to be True
By Brian Jaime
Eleven facts I hold to be true:
- – If my middle brother were one of the Knights of the Round Table, and he were asked, by the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’, for a shrubbery, he would have absolutely no problem getting one since he works at Lowes Home Improvement.
- – In a restaurant, I file behind a host to my table and order spam from a server. However, online, my spam and table files are hosted on my server.
- – If I were you, I’d be reading this right now.
- – Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, IS right…“revenge is better than Christmas!”
- – People who say, “if a woodchuck could chuck, and a woodchuck would chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood”, are idiots because everyone knows that woodchucks, commonly known as groundhogs, really do chuck wood, among other things (such as roots, dirt and vegetation). Therefore, “since a woodchuck does chuck wood, and a woodchuck loves to chuck wood, how much wood does a woodchuck chuck, since a woodchuck loves to chuck wood”? Answer: 392.
- – King Kong is neither a “king” nor a “kong”; he should have just been called “Big Monkey”. And, for that matter, where’s Queen Kong? And why “Kong”? Why not bong, chong, dong, gong, long, pong, song, tong, thong, wong or wrong? Actually, I think there is a movie called King Dong; although, I assume it is not about an overgrown ape…literally at least.
- – Watching “The OC” is a lot like buying a pair of jeans at an indoor swap meet—no matter how similar they look to Levi’s, they’re still just a cheap, designer imposter posing as “Melrose Place”.
- – Batman & Robin: Two “partners” who live with each other in a cave, live secret (closeted) double lives, wear tights and capes and battle the forces of the pussy (a.k.a. Catwoman)—they’re gayer than Elton John in high heels. And, since they’re real names are Bruce and Dick, I guess you could say that Bruce loves Dick. It’s just something to think about. Don’t even get me started on Bert & Ernie…
- – The scariest movie I have ever seen was the 1985 TV version of Alice in Wonderland. Hey, any movie, in which Carol Channing morphs into a goat, classifies as “horror”.
- – Bunny rabbits are Satan’s evil minions—especially the fluffy, white ones with piercing red eyes. Play any Cadbury commercial backwards and it will say, “Your pitiful soul is now the property of the Dark Lord…” That’s right, the devil doesn’t live in hell—he lives in Pennsylvania. Don’t believe me? Check out the Exorcist in 30 seconds re-enacted by bunnies: http://www.angryalien.com/0204/exorcistbunnies....
- – E-mail chain letters are bogus. You are not going to receive a gift certificate from The Gap. Your phone will not ring after you read it. You will not be helping out some poor cancer patient or starving children or “our troops overseas”. You will not commit a sin if you delete it—Jesus does not command you to read it. Your friends are not going to send it back to you, nor will they think you are jerk for not sending it back to them. Bill Gates is not going to send you a hundred dollar bill. And, you will not have bad luck for an entire year if you don’t forward it to ten people. However, you will contract genital herpes if you do not forward this article to ten people! Just kidding! Besides, you probably already have it.
© Copyright Brian Jaime and bchrisdesigns, 2005. All Rights Reserved.