Jacob (IV)

Hello darling reader! I have had an amazing couple of weeks! I feel so happy it’s unbelievable! The reason? Giles! He’s so amazing. I had wanted to talk to him for ages about my personal problems and lo and behold he was asking me to tell him a bit more about myself. He had started talking about his own problems – his mother is very ill and his sister is dating a guy who he doesn’t like the look of. Then he said, “Enough about me, what’s your story Jacob. I always see you reading philosophy. What else do you do?” I didn’t really know how to answer this. Apart from philosophy and this diary I just get on with life and its daily frivolities. I told him about my diary and then I said I spent a lot of time with my darling mother. He asked me about my father and I just felt a surge of emotion – someone was actually interested about me and wanted to know about me. Well I just had a complete outburst of emotion and told him everything about my father. He was sad when he heard (though not too surprised!) and he gave me a shoulder to lean on as I sobbed away at my torrid father-son relationship.

I don’t know why Giles was so kind to me. He listened to everything I had to say and told me all about his own problems. I think he’s the first ever person I’ve ever been able to talk to about my problems. My mother is too soft to talk to about such matters and I can’t talk to my father. Apart from you, my diary, Giles is my only friend. As I said before, I don’t need friends, but having made such a good friendship with Giles, I wonder if there are other people who are as kind and open as Giles. From my previous experience of people I reckon that he’s an exception to the general rule that people are shallow objects who don’t like others who don’t fit the boring repetitious mould. However, for the first time, I’ve become curious about people. Maybe Giles has lots of friends that are like him.

I don’t know whether he feels the same way about me as I do about him. I really like him and I think he could potentially become a really good friend. I think he has a lot of friends – he’s quite popular I suspect. Anyway, he’s gone on holiday for two weeks – to South Africa (how exciting!). Now that Giles isn’t here and it’s the school holidays, I don’t have much to do. I look after my mother who is still ill and I get my weekly beating from father when he’s back on Sundays. Other than that I just continue reading. I’ve started reading the Bible. I find it fascinating. I’ve only read Genesis and Exodus so far. I’m not a Christian, because I haven’t been bought up to be one, but I find the God of Genesis and Exodus amazing. I’ve always found the idea of God fascinating. Can you imagine having the power to create and destroy the universe!

The universe is something that’s always fascinating because the universe is everything! I’ve never liked it when people say there are multiple universes because universe literally means everything. When people say there are different universes they surely mean different dimensions or parts of the universe. The idea of a parallel universe (though it should be dimension) interests me because that could mean that there is another version of me! If the universe is infinite then there will be multiple versions of me just through sheer possibilities! There could be a version of me who isn’t beaten by his father. There would be a version of me who has lots of friends like Giles already. Then again, there would be a version of me who never met Giles and a version of me who never started this diary! I wonder if there’s another version of me who is writing what I’m writing now but makes a different decision to me in the future. Maybe there’s a different version of me who lives the same life as me but wears a different colour t-shirt one day. Maybe there’s a different version of you who never started reading this diary! That would be most sad!

I wonder, my darling reader, whether you like me? Are you like Giles in the way you’re so understanding? I hope you’re not like most people – part of the crowd with no individuality or personality. Please don’t be like that reader, please be like Giles. I suppose you must be like Giles if you’re reading this and enjoying it. Then if you’re not enjoying this because you find me odd then you’re just like the rest. If you are like that, then fuck yourself! Get a personality you blank book! Maybe I’d find your diary sickening!

I’m most concerned about you reader. I’m sorry to be so aggressive, but I’m really concerned that if you find me odd you aren’t open to different types of people. Anyway, I’ll try to be nice and open to you. I suppose it would be hypocritical for me to attack you for not being open to other people if I’m not open to other people myself – even if you are a blank book. If you are like I suspect you are, please develop some personality. You’ll enjoy your life so much more for being different. But then again, I base myself on being different and I’m not happy. Maybe you should avoid being odd like me because otherwise you’ll be unhappy like me too! I wouldn’t want that! Hopefully my boring reader has no individuality but is happy.

My oh my, this is getting my head in a spin and I don’t like not being in complete control of my mind. My mind is like my army and I’m the general. But then again if I’m in complete control of my mind, who am I? Let’s just say I’m the voice who speaks through the mind. Yet, my mind makes the voice. What am I then? A human being? No that’s too superficial. A person? What is a person? Is the person the voice or is he the mind? Is he the conscience? Is the conscience the voice? I don’t think that would do because the conscience is exterior to the voice because when the voice is saying something bad, the conscience makes the voice think otherwise. The voice itself lacks morality. It’s the conscience that gives morality. Am I the conscience then? No because the conscience doesn’t feel emotions like the voice – in fact the conscience is one of the biggest emitters of emotion upon the voice because when I do something wrong it makes me feel guilty; this is akin to sadness.

Whatever I am, I’m now tired. Goodbye reader.

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  • Philosophy Lee
    Philosophy Leeabout 6 years ago

    Paragraph 4… “…who isn’t beaten his father.”
    Please insert a ‘by’ before ‘his’ if you fucking feel like it :)
    My head IS spinning… and I like it.
    “Good show!”

  • by has been inserted. glad you liked it.

    – barnsy

  • janeymac
    janeymacabout 6 years ago

    Excellent . Barnsy!! Jane

  • thanks again jane! im glad you’re liking jacob

    – barnsy

  • watty
    wattyabout 6 years ago

    very interesting, i like the different direction jacob’s character is heading in now.
    i have some suspicions about jacob, i shall be interested to see whether they are right or not.
    keep it up.

  • indeed i will!!
    thank you for your kind words!!!

    – barnsy

  • Splitcoms
    Splitcomsabout 6 years ago

    Brilliant! Opening up something new about Jacob.

  • cheers rj. glad you liked it!

    – barnsy

  • butchart
    butchartabout 6 years ago

    well… i dolike jacob… and i hope for the reasons he wants to be liked…. i also hope giles turns out to be the friend that joab needs,,, i also think jacb might conside one less shot of espresso before he starts back in his diary… ha……….. very fascinating character this jacob……………….b

  • yes he was quite hyperactive during that entry!
    im glad you like him…cheers for reading!

    – barnsy

  • beast
    beastabout 6 years ago

    brillinat stuff bg, the south africa bit made me smile :P very good style with the questions, jacobs head is an interesting place

  • cheers..glad you liked the sa reference!
    yeah jacob has a very interesting head indeed! :-)

    – barnsy

  • LordDannyl
    LordDannylabout 6 years ago

    wooooo SA :P this giles bloke does sound interesting, cant wait to hear more about him. good work barnsy LD

  • merci! glad you liked the sa.

    – barnsy

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