How Wide, How Vast

Today, I am here, I am flesh, I am soul, I am here. I keep wondering what it is I should do. I am constantly making mistakes, I am constantly miscalculating, I am constantly wrong. Everyone will agree, that it is ok to be wrong, or to miscalculate; its ok to make mistakes, but how big, and how wide, and how vast does the mistake have to be before its no longer ok?

I remember standing on the edge of the river,
I was trapped, how I got there, I know not.
There I was,
I would both jump into the currant and hope for the best,
Or I will walk a half mile until I can cross.
So I jump,
I dive, with confidence and grace.
It was the same dive I learned years before,
Confidence and grace.
Water is water,
And I can swim,
So I dive.
I don’t remember hitting the water,
I just remember the pull,
The strength,
The might;
I was weak, and I could not swim.
The water was rising around my small, frail body,
And I was losing.
I had made a mistake,
I had miscalculated the strength and depth of the river.
I was fooled.
Standing there looking at such a beautiful,
And peaceful current,
That caressed my feet
And cooled my soul,
It was taking me under,
And quickly.
I hit a rock,
Then a branch,
and a friend pulled me out down-river where I could have easily walked, saving the torment and pain.

What if the river was stronger? What if my dive was deeper? It is, and it is, and here I am, once again, ready to dive. It is not the same river, and it is not the same me, but it is the same mistake that I continue to make, a continued nightmare, a memory that haunts the mind and soul. How vast, how deep, how wide, how eternal, here I am, arms spread, open to every mistake, and wearing every error and every fault on my heart, on my mind, on my face, in my eyes, and again… here I am, the torment and pain.

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