Simplistic solutions to excruciatingly difficult situations. It doesn’t seem to fail. Any time we have a tragedy that involves death, out come the talking heads. Out of their manicured made up sacrosant media holes. Let’s ban guns, specially, let’s ban the ones with high capacity magazines,
All this does is make me want to be an activist, I mean it’s so easy to solve problems.
If I’m going to be an activist, I’m going to need staff. So I called my good friend Theo. Theo or Theodore, is an inner city dude, and wise to the ways of the street. I explained how we could champion simple solutions to tragic situations of death just by banning things. Theo’s enthusiastic response motivated me. Yea! let’s ban some shit said Theo and so, the acronym was born. The LBSS of the USof S. Or The Let’s Ban Some Shit of the United States of Simplicity. There! You have to have a cool and easy sounding name or you’re not going to get anywhere.
Where do we start? asked Theo
Well I responded, the first recorded death I know of was carried out with the jaw of a donkey, (Cain killing Able). Some time later, a legislator suggested they ban donkey jaws but his position was defeated when he was reminded that jaws are usually attached to the whole donkey, their main means of transportation at the time.
Years later, that murdering F Herodes killed 20 children in Bethlehem, with decapitating swords. One child got away, No one protested because the same swords would have been used on them. Many years later a dude in Boston strangled a bunch of women. Had he done
it now, Mr Gregory of NBC news would have grabbed the news by asking us to ban, well, maybe hands that strangle. I have a better idea said Theo, let’s ban stranglers, if we can find them. Yeah, let’s. We move now to OJ who murdered 2 people, one of them his wife, with knives or a knife. Let’s ban knives! Then Timothy McVay murdered hundreds with manure. Let’s ban manure. Now you’re getting crazy said Theo. Every farmer is going to go after us. Hey, it’s not for us to worry about that, we just want to ban things that kill people.
In that case, I’ve got an idea. My cousin was killed by a crazed teenager who ran over her with his pick up. Let’s ban pickups. Or better yet, let’s ban the teenagers too. I have to admit that was a tempting suggestion.
It was reported here in the state of CACAlifornia where my associate and I live, that some blokes, as the Brits would say, killed a man by encasing him in cement. Let’s ban cement.
Now you’re getting a little wild, I don’t want construction guys mad at me , said Theo.
OK said I, someone killed his wife with rat poison the other day, let’s ban rat poison!
No way, rats are ready to take over my hood, I ain’t going to help them.
OK, how about this. Did you read in the paper about the guy in Orange County who doused his grandmother with alcohol and then lit a match to her. She died a horrible death.
Let’s ban matches, and while we’re at it, let’s ban alcohol. Not the one in my wine protested Theo. Yeah I said, I don’t want my wine without it either.
At this point it occurred to me how complicated this mission was turning out to be. My ears perked up for the next challenge.
You know Theo, this is all because of these kids who have murdered so many others, it’s horrible.
Yeah said Theo, let’s ban young people. Yeah, specially the goofy ones, and their mothers too. How about the fathers? Them also.
We’d better get started Theo, we have a lot of work ahead.Indeed my man. Maybe we should consider banning the whole human race. What do you say?
Damned good idea, let’s go.
The LBSS of the United States of Simplicity. We hope you feel safer
TLBSS of the USS
Vice president, Theo
An idea for the times to make us safer. Banning weapons, materials, fluids, kids, people