The Tao of Living Honestly
Critique, detailed critique, is very welcome as this started out as a journal entry. I decided to make it a written piece, instead, and, for hat, I need to know how much sense it makes to others who don’t know the background story. Should I include more of it, or less of it? More humor,or less humor? Or, whatever you feel is important in that way.
Always, always I am concerned for punctuation, spelling, and grammar, as well.
Thank you, in advance.
Now, mind you, I understand some of the urges. The urges to want other women away from “your” man, to want to know what he’s up to (especially if you have reason to believe you can’t trust him).. I really do!
I can even enter into sympathy, to some extent, with a person who feels misled, who feels betrayed, or … well, there’s a lot of conflicting emotions, and there are a lot of people who know how to play them. I understand that and I can sympathize up to a point.
But, as I told a mutual acquaintance, earlier tonight, I really cannot see the point in a woman continuing to attack another woman over a man that the attacker wanted, got, and then failed to hold onto. Especially when the woman being attacked isn’t even trying to get him!
I’m speaking, of course, of now.
Expressing some basic sympathy, along with dispensing some good advice on helpiful tools to deal with a disability, is not a come on. If it was, it would still only be the business of another woman if she was his lover, girlfriend, fiance, or wife. But, even so, it was not a come on. lol
Yet, I do this, give him some basic sympathy, which many others have done, and share something I overheard at a doctor’s office, which might be helpful to him, and boom – the wath of the hackers descends.
This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma as .. well let me ask you this, dear and honest friends:
How would you treat someone who has been a part of stalking you, of ruining your health, artwork, and life for approximately five years, and who has even spread rumors about you, to the point of calling the congregation they think you belong in, of getting in touch with your Ex and trying to conspire with him against you? And all because you had the temerity to be friendly to a person and take them at their word, to like them, and to try to understand them?
How would you “play nice” towards them, when they began harassing you on your new art site, after they helped lie and drive you off of the last one?
Me? Well, I’d start by complimenting them on their work, if it seemed like something worth complimenting.
But, then, that’s me … it’s who I am and it’s what I look for in people who matter in my life. I like people who tell me the truth, kindly if possible, of what they like or don’t, what they think or hope, what they do or don’t, ...
That’s why I like linaji (my lilija) and Paul and Saraij (forgive me if I spellled the ID wrong, sweetie), and Ken, and potentially Dave (don’t know him that well, but I’m getting there) and, oh, a few other very bright spots on here.
Sometimes they are wild, sometimes weird, always they are truthful, if tactful. It’s a lovely way to be.
One should try it, as it’s a great way of live, being truthful. And, contrary to the belief of many, it does not mean having to be rude or hurtful on most occasions. It does mean, in not being those ways, tempering judgment with mercy, though.
For instance, the age old scenario of a woman asking “Does this dress make me look fat?” In this scenario, it does. It also makes her look like she might have hepatitis c, because her skin has an ugly yellow glow from it, plus she’s recently gained 15 lbs, and so she kind of just looks fat, anyway. Right? So, you reply more like:
a) No! YOU make you look fat. Put down the doughnuts and pick up those feet, larde _ss!”
b) “No, honey. You look fine! (for your own selfish purposes which might include wanting sex that night either with her or with a man she might attract, instead of you getting him, if she puts on a better dress).
c) “Yeah. You look like a pig in it. Of course, you’ve been putting on weight, so you look fat regardless. Wear whatever!”
d) “No, honey, you look fine!” (because you don’t want to hurt her feelings and would rather it come from someone else or you know she won’t be seen by anyone else)
e) “Mmm, yeah, it’s not a good dress for you at all. Get rid of it and let’s find that other one you haven’t worn in a while. It really brings out your eyes and would go great with your litle weird fish earrings. Come on!”
r) Yes, yes it does. Throw it away and let’s stay home and get fatter together. I’ll bake brownies, you take off the dress!
Most of those, if you hadn’t notices, are honest. One of them is honesty, tinged with mercy, and sticks to the agenda at hand. One is honesty tinged with humor and mercy and goes off on another tangent all together.
So, which one would you rather have someone say something like to you, if the scenario was reversed?
I would like the honesty, so I give the honesty. So, when a woman comes to me and tells me she is just friends with a man, but very good friends, and asks iwhat our relationship is, I shall either, very honestly, tell her what it is, or tell her it’s none of her business. Pity that she wasn’t honest and what she should have said is a lot of stuff about spending time together, having sex, making pillow talk, wishing and hoping that one day he’d break down and think of her as more than a friend. or any variation on that theme. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference, as Canadian and American women are more apt to talk it over, Oh, not always, but more apt than women from the U.K,, in my experience. But, then, they are also more apt to believe that their worth doesnt’ revolve around having a man want them.
Which is frightening, because, boy, do most of them believe it, so deeply, in some part of them or another. Well, and doesn’t it say it’ll go down that way, in Genesis? No surprise then, eh?
If she had been honest, hadn’t just been scouting for information to throw in his face, after twisting it, to blind him from seeing me (no pun intended) then it would have been a very different year that’s gone by. But, if she was that sort of woman, and he was that sort of man, none of us would have been wasting our time, and all of us would have known who’d been up to what, for real.
So, here I am, because you are human and so I love you even if you do annoy me, telling you this honestly:
I do not have the man’s phone number or address. I am not sure if I even remotely like him, anymore. And, I do not have the sort of pride that demands crawling back to someone who has openly rejected them based on the lies someone else has told them.
I created some art, which had to do with him. It remains. I cared for him, because he was human. It remains.
If I knew you were blind, even though you annoy me, I’d have passed on that information to you, as well. So, sort out, from that, how much either of you – him with words of affection, you with actions of hatred = mean to me or the life I live now.
Then, kindly, either go away all together; or ,stop playing games and just be yourself!
Paul Stephen ...
I d choose E these days that is , though in days long gone I would have gone for B You had my interest I think I got your thread but you lost me a few times there but I kept on reding and do get the thread . I have been and have a much less prescence now on online 3d communities and DRAMA seems to be the order of the day for alot of people in alot of case, so you are not alone,however I steered clear of DRAMA most of the time , though it hit me slightly a couple of times , but noy anything like what you describe Paul :))))))))))
Arletta replied
Yep! I do my best to steer clear of it, myself. Some days I do better than others. My in-laws are dramatic people. My family is more theatrical than dramatic, though dramatic moments do occur. But, it’s more of a right here, right now, explosion sort of thing. You know? Not an extended “Damn you to hell, Rhett Butler!” 30 years later thing. lol
AnitaInverarity
I think when you are an honest, forthright, confident woman unfortunately you come under attack from other women who are less secure. I lost a really good friend whose grlfriend could not handle our friendship and wore it down by playing horrible games over a few years until eventually it was not worth my time or energy trying to remain friends with them both as a couple.
Upsetting at the time yes, but ultimately their loss, because I know who I am, and who I am is not what I was portrayed to be.
I agree with Paul above- some people thrive on creating drama and smoke screens and untruths- for what purpose I will never understand.
People are Strange (said Jim Morrison) x
Arletta replied
lol Jim Morrison, however, was both strange and dramatic, with a propensity for screening himself with all sorts of smoke. lol
I agree with you, so much, that, if I had any idea where I let it, I would share my rather (at the time) pointed essay about Alpha Wolves of the female variety. I wrote it when I knew who was doing things, and the guy was in total denial and insisting it was me or one of my friends and etc. Anyway, it’s about that very subject and I guess you’d like it for that reason. I’ll see if I can find it, before I toddle off to bed. Thank you for commenting.
AnitaInverarity
Alpha Wolves- I like that, sounds interesting.
Jim I’d imagine created packs of Alpha Wolves in his wake hee hee.
Arletta replied
Well, he created a sensation, for sure. Still does. Pretty neat trick!
I found it and posted it. Here is the link. Haven’t read it in a while, so I hope I’m not embarrassing myself by posting what I only thought was passable months and months ago lol
AnitaInverarity
Thank you- just read it and it is spot on my dear xxx
Arletta replied
Thank you!
Peter Evans
Alpha females along with Alpha males are so usually conceited and full of their own self importance that these poor beings live lives of jealousy, distrust, hate, meaness, disloyalty, etc that they either die very lonely and unloved or have a VERY high rating in suicides, unfortunately.
Now onto a much more pleasent subject, you, I finally figured out who you remind me of in your photos. Ta taaaaa…..the very delightful…...ta taaaaa…........Renee Zellwinger ;-)
Arletta replied
But, no, Peter. Those are people who call themselves Alpha Males and Alpha Females, to bolster their own ego. Or they get into BDSM so they can force other people to call them Master and Mistress. Weak, silly people. Alpha people are a different breed.
People often confuse bullies for Alphas. That’s the major point of what I wrote in ‘Of Wolf and Man’ I am about to go on about it (I know as I actually wrote all that before I wrote this lol) so, feel free to read it all if you like. Or don’t. However you care to play it.
I don’t care, you see, if you think I am or am not an Alpha female. I don’t care if anyone ever calls me, or doesn’t, any such thing at all. I know what I am. What is important is to know what you are, and whom/what else you are dealing with in your own life.
It makes me happy that you said that, though, because, even though it is essentially wrong since those are not Alpha people, it’s a great start to learning the difference between truth and presentation.
William Wallace was an Alpha Male, per reputation. So was Ghandi, so was Jesus. Moses .. mmm .. maybe. Mother Theresa, if she was as good as her reputation makes her, was an Alpha female. So would have been Mary, aka: the mother of Jesus . Takes a special breed of woman, confident in her integrity and faith, to walk about being pregnant in a society where they are stoned to death for it under the same circumstances and she did, for some time, before she was married.
Now, Eva Perone was probably also an Alpha Female, who probably also came close to fitting the stereotype. However, that is because circumstances dictated that she must step up and be that way, to survive, and survival was in her.
The point of what I wrote is that an isuse where people get confused is that they think a show of strength, boldness, etc. is generally a sign of strength, boldness, etc. when, in fact, it is usually a sign of weakness.
Homophobes do not go out into the street to picket funerals or to hit people with bricks, or to rape homosexuals to teach them a lesson, because they feel powerful and secure in their own sexuality. It is because they WANT to, but cant’. But, the do lead a great many others to follow them.
Back to William Wallace. We were studying him in school, a bit, and the kids had a lot of questions as things did not make sense based on the views of leaders as being the ones most fit to lead, the ones with awards being the best, and all that other stuff most people believe. Because he was acting as a “coward” to begin with. That’s the way it’s usually viewed. If you will fight for a cause, you are brave; if you will not, you are a coward. And if you are pushed into fighting later, after you abstain from fighting, then you are a weakling for that. Only, he very much was a man who was not a weakling, not a coward, and so the difference between what he should have been and what he was, lends itself to a great deal of questioning. and discussion.
The teacher ended up by telling the class that all of that is true, with your average person, yes. Then he, very embarrassingly, used me as an example, because he said it is sometimes easier to understand things better if you use the same scenario but change the scale.
William Wallace, he said, was a great deal like me, but on a bigger, harsher sort of scale. I was in a country overrun by foreigners, too, who wanted to make sure my people did not have work, who stole the best lands, who tried all manners of taxation without representation, etc. to starve them out and force them into the nearest thing to slavery they legally could. IE: I was Alaskan, and I was well hated for it, even though we were all in Alaska because, the majority of the time, I was the only Alaskan there and no one else was there by choice. They were there so their parents could make money or because their parents were criminals and were no longer allowed to live in America, Proper. So, some similarities there, but the troubles Scotland had were on a grander scale.
I was poor, but well educated by self mostly. Again, similar. And I constantly had people after me at school, attacking me and threatening me and stealing my stuff and trying to fondle me and worse; and in Junior High they really started trying to beat on me all the time and started following me around, asking to have a more private conversation so they could talk to me about how I really annoyed everyone at school and wouldn’t I please just kill myself to make them all feel better. How it was selfish of me to want to live! The English kept pushing Mr. Wallace in ways that, again, were similar – some of which were on a much grander scale. So, in those respects, I made a good example for him to hold up, but it was embarrassing anyway.
His point was this – those sort of tactics worked on most people back then, and they work on most people now. We are all relatively the same way, to a great extent. If the majority of people we are forced into contact with, for the majority of our time, keep pushing us to do something, to be something, most of us will break down and do it or be it.
They were trying to push him into a fight, where he’d lose his head, both figuratively and literally. More or less, same thing they were trying to do at school with me.
And, said the teacher, the reason it doesn’t work is because most people need to prove their strength, their intelligence, their whatever it is .. but, with the Alpha types, the real ones, there is no need to do so, because they already know. They know they can fight, they know if they can think well or not, and the accept what they are. They fight when they have to, but, most of the time they know the other people are not strong enough or enough of a threat to where they do have to. And, he told them, if they learned anything from history, it should be to stop pushing, because one day I am very likely to consider them a threat and then they’ll realize the difference between cowardice and confidence.
Most of them moved, I don’t claim it was as a direct result, just that they did. Trish didn’t move, didn’t learn. She flushed my underwear down the toilet during swim class and then started spreading rumors that I liked to run around without panties, was no longer a virgin, etc. I ignored her.
She did a few other things, I ignored her. She came up and took a swing at me, declaring that I was a chicken sh_t and she was going to kill me. I gave her one good punch to the sternum that sent her bouncing and careening down the hallway off the lockers.
They fixed the lockers. No one in that school threatened me, anymore. They did, however, attack many other people who would give in, while I wasn’t looking.
They would have been considered the Alphas of the school, because they had the money, looks, style connections, late curfews, lack of chores, parents to help them do their work, etc. But, when confronted by someone who didn’t quake in fear over such things, they were just prattling ninnies, after all.
Look at Hitler. Totally non-Alpha. He got in power due to the fact that a lot of other non-Alpha types were afraid of his blustering and machinations. He was an egotist who bred hate, distrust, and disloyalty. Look at his picture, sometime. He was a short, swarthy, brown eyed, brunette of little talent who spoke against everyone who remotely seemed like him. Also, incidentally, the four major groups persecuted were 1) Jews 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses 3) Homosexuals 4) Handicapped So, what was that? One group of people he obviously sprang from (at least in great part); two groups of people who wouldnt’ give him the time of day due to religious beliefs, and four groups of people he would have been embarrassed to have been caught dating by his parents. He wasn’t Alpha- despite what he did. He was a whiny brat with zero art talent and an inflated ego!
Now, the guy who worked for him, who plotted his assassination for the good of Germany – he was probably Alpha. He waited, he gave it time, he realized sanity was not looming – he took action.
Mark Ramstead
I have a stalker now too… met her here. She was banned but has just enough info about me to make me uncomfortable about what she may be doing elsewhere. She is mentally ill, sick. I tried to help and in her mind when I gave up I spurned her for others. She now will either give up or hurt me in some way I can’t possibly foresee.
Arletta replied
Uh oh! They aren’t hard to come by. Fortunately, most of tthem die down with lack of communication. Of course it’s worse if they know other ways to contact you. If she knows your sites, email, etc. those can be changed to different names and often that is that. But, if you spoke on the telephone or gave her that sort of personal information, you are bound to have a much harder time.
Spurning people for others is seldom a way to rid yourself of a stalker, though.
Mine did give up, biefly; and they probably all would again, if only I destroyed several paintings, a book or two that was already published, and never expressed the remotest thought or consideration either of or for someone who was a part of my life for about five years. In other words, just so long as I stop being me. (sigh)
If you like, you can bubblemail me about it for further discussion, relief of stress, and possible advice.
Peter Evans
May I should have said Alpha wannabe’s ;-)
Arletta replied
lol maybe But, then, that’s the rub with most anything. People call themselves by some title or description: caretaker, Alpha, Christian, hetero, or whatever … and some of them are exactly what they say they are. They do it well, and they mean it. Others are trying to hide behind it, then they give it a bad name.
Then, see, because bad, stupid, and wrong is much more noticeable than good, smart, and friendly – on most days – they become the standard, to everyone who is not that thing. When, in fact, they are often the antithesis of what that sort of person is.
Peter Evans
lol very very true xxx