Arletta

Warning: This is meant to be humorous, but, truthful.

Sometimes I get asked that, but, most people do not understand, or accept, the answer. I suppose what they really mean to ask is what ethnicity my blood is and was I raised with any of the stereotypical/traditional values of persons from such ethnicities.

Still, culture is what they asked, so culture is what they got: I’m Alaskan

I wear flannels, by choice. Duct tape is my friend! Racists are for pointing at and laughing about, but not a good reason to leave a party! Unless they are really nasty about it, and won’t shut up, and try to kill people. Then they have to leave the party!

So, see? I am Alaskan. That is my culture. It isn’t just where I was raised, but how I was raised, and what land and weather patterns and mixture of other cultures that were brewed together there helped to raise me. We are not like the people from Georgia, Alabama, Texas, California, Florida, etc. And, while I am mostly Irish by blood, I am certainly not just like the Irish from Ireland or the Irish-American sort, either. I wasn’t raised to be any of those things, or American, or anything but myself and in Alaska. That’s what makes me Alaskan.

More on racism: Rocks will be thrown at heads. This is why you jump in the ditch. It doesn’t matter if it’s Natives throwing them at white people or vice versa: ditches are your safety zone. It’s not racism, unless children, elderly, or invalids are attacked or until they hunt you down after you jumped into the ditch, or they refuse to even drink with you. If you don’t like it, tough: it’s not your culture!

On dress codes: Bunny Boots are to be worn to the Opera, Rock concerts, movies, romantic dates, casual family get-togethers, and the birth of your first child. No, you don’t have to wear them, but if you are wearing them, people should look at you with envy or amusement. If they don’t, it’s proof positive they aren’t Alaskan enough to matter.

Only Alaskans can wear ‘Alaska’ t-shirts. We are not Calvin Klein, marking our territory and claiming ownership of people. If we wanted slaves, you’d be allowed to wear the t-shirts; but, as it is, we are the only ones that should be labeled as Alaskan. Go wear a t-shrt that labels you as being from Texas or wherever it is you came from! Exceptions, possibly, are for Hawaii.

Yes, we will wear your t-shirts, but only as a joke and a bit of a culturally based Dare. It makes our skin crawl, and that makes us laugh. Exceptions are still, possibly, for Hawaii.

D.D.T. is necessary and any environmentalist who does not concur should be immediately shoved into a nearby stretch of woods without it.

Dynamite and machetes, both, are tools in the hands of Alaskans. They are not weapons and we do not care about the impact of either on the environment. The fact is, when a 2 ton, or so, enraged bear is coming after us, we want to make an impact on the environment.

We don’t care about your silly, puny, little Elephant guns. Get it through your head that we usually stop playing with cap pistols by the time we are five or so!

It’s not a blizzard, just because the roof blew off the house and you can’t find it, now, because of the snow that fell in the ensuing two minutes. It’s snow and wind! If it was a blizzard, you’d be in Michigan or someplace like that where they believe in blizzards!

Rain is good! Rain means less dust in the air, less mosquitoes in the air, and less smoke from forest fires in the air. The only time rain is bad is when there is ice on the roads! It is not child abuse to walk with your child in the rain, without rain coats or umbrellas. It is child abuse to never let them out in it!

Children should work. Adults should play. Also, vice versa.

These are some of the many, varied social laws that make up the Alaskan culture. Another one is that only Alaskans are allowed to know these things, as stated herein, so, if you are not Alaskan, you must stop reading and erase your memory of this posting STAT.