Defeat

Did you think I would never wake up?
Did you think I would be this silenced tame person?
This medicated safe girl?
Oh she is sweet isn’t she?
She fits right in
Because she has no will
Do you know that even with all my manners
My yes please …and no thank you
How hard I fought just to stand every day?
I let them do what they like
Because I was polite
Because I was so frightened of what I was
And I always wanted to be strong
And fearless
In the face of chaos
Well you can do what you like
To the point you think
Oh I might have broken her now
But I will look at you and say
That all you got ma’am
Is that the best you can do sir to break me?
Do you know just how much fight I have in me?
My knuckles bloody
My bones broken
Is that all you got?
My sprit falling so many rounds
You wanted so badly
And with such cruelty to defeat me
You were just hoping the fear you instilled in me would win
Oh and don’t get me wrong
It hurt like fucking hell
The hiding
And he secrets that I was sick
And he was strong and ruthless
The pain at some points seemed more than I could bare
And then I hear…over and over and over till I sceam
“Its God plan dear”
Is God’s plan for me to be broken?
Do you know how cruel you sound saying that?
You always hear that from the ones that never felt this kind of pain
The stories they read in the Sunday morning paper before they go to church
Oh dear isn’t that sad
The rapes?
The murders?
All the insanity of this world?
“We must forgive the sinners”
Man decided that they can bend the rules…not God
I guess my God and your are on a different page
A reasonable one
And this is why I am labelled insane?
And they say it is my problem with God
No my dear it is this worlds problem
He and I know where each other stands
And falls…........

And I thought I would just give up
I just couldn’t handle this world
I just couldn’t stand anymore
The way it was
The way I seem to have all this pain
That I was always the crazy one
I was on the mat
Bleeding
My closing and I thought it was finally all over
That I would have peace
And as sad as I was for my life to be over
The peace was something
And I was proud up until now I kept all
My secrets to my grave
So you wouldn’t be embarrassed
Are you now?
Even in death?

Until I saw you cheering
Your dirty collection plate money waving in the air
You thought you had won
Your side had won
And I began to stand
After all the hits I took
After all the blood I lost
After all the names that actually do hurt me
The crowd silenced
And I finally let go of my manners but not my secrets and
Knock you out
I know you hope every year I will
Be defeated
I know you curse me because I am stronger then you thought
That my scares have almost healed
And yours have just begun
But the truth is no matter what you put in front of me
What happen from this point on
I will hold on
Stay strong
Not one day will
I try less
Be less
No matter what you say
Do
Or think

I will never be defeat…...

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