December

December

I step out into the bitter air, just to feel something, anything. My bare feet sink in the snow like quick sand, evenly I sink and still I feel nothing. The sky is so clear that I feel as though I could touch the stars and the moon gives light to this dark frigid night. I pick up the snow with my hands, its weight surprises me .I bow my head and press the cold snow on my forehead thinking this will give me some relief, some sort of satisfaction. It does neither.

I look around at the stillness of this night, so vast an empty .I want to walk into this night let this darkness eat at me ,let the snow burry and freeze me .I would be found by morning like sleeping beauty, a pretty death. I am startled out of this thought by a man who walks by with his dog. He doesn’t say anything to me ,just stares .I realize now how insane I must look in my nightgown no shoes ,hands still clenching snow .He stares at me too long that I feel uncomfortable .It is not lust or sympathy it is “you fucking lunatic get inside”. I ignore his stare before he begins to speak and he walks on muttering to himself.His dog looks back in sympathy it seems as the man tugs on the leash.

If I only felt something I wouldn’t be standing in this snow, alone and decaying. I yearn for hate for happiness anything .How do I fix nothing? Everyday I go though the motions, smiling when others around me do, frowning when others do .I am a living mirror.

The snow begins to fall again slowly, a languid dance. Snow grips to my skin and eyelashes, and now I know what it means to need. I wipe my face of the fat snowflakes that fall spinning out of control. I go quietly back inside .I turn on the kitchen tap and hold my hands under the running water. My skin burns now and I smile half hearted at this, it is something. I climb the stairs and feel my way, my fingers numb against the wall. I feel my way around the bedroom and take off the cold nightgown and replace it with another. I climb into bed, the moonlight hides half his face .I watch him sleep his eyes move back and forth and his brow looks cross like it does when he is unhappy with me. He is still and dreaming .he is perfectly beautiful .I kiss him on the cheek ,he moves slightly .I fold myself around his body, smell his skin and drink in his warmth .tonight I hope my dreams will mirror his.

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Tags:

april, depression, hate, hope, illness, lost, mansilla, numb, snow, suicide and winter