Trauma upon trauma creates an unrelenting sting to the soul that will not heal. Overwhelming pain still now cuts a heart to pieces as it beats to the melody of a compassionate song. Stories created and embedded in trauma are amplified by the intensity of lived experience where one overwhelming experience overlays another with no healing space to recover from one before being thrust to the other. A kaleidoscope of clashing and desperate landscapes emerge and then disappear without explanation. A big heart shatters yet again but stays open. Amidst the maze of disillusionment a strategic mind, as sharp and incisive as an arrow pierces their target and refuses to be thrust into the garbage bin of victimhood. A beautiful mind will fight until its last thought the eradication of undermining lesser minds. The perpetrator of this violent mind crime does not know what they are dealing with. This fight to stay adrift is as perpetual as the golden sea that haunts and seduces the soul calling to submission. Within the turbulence of disappointment and the sway of this knowing, even though emotions are ash cast aside and beauty invisible, amidst the waste of this injustice, amidst the ashes a diamond core still glistens and will rise up and out of this deconstruction and will reconstruct another self more resilient, more tenacious, more achingly tender and more resolute.
Where invisibility and disempowerment creates chains of unbearable pain which cuts the skin, where the veins bleed perpetual raw feeling she will reposition herself, she will define a new being and out of this darkest night of her soul she will create a field of dreams, she will imagine a river of reality that she can survive on, she will find a new language that communicates with decency and she will create an expanded life. Although they are blind and do not see her now in time they will see, they will know and they will come. Because wild flowers still grow in the dark night of the soul. They do not need the sunlight to breathe and blossom. They do not need external validation because they are love, etched and stitched through every fibre. And again in time the Phoenix will rise out of these ashes recreated and more powerful then ever before. But for now, it is enough to just breathe in and out and to live.
And to love, to always love no matter what.
© Anthea Slade 2013
Good Morning 2013! My year has been literally cut in two. The first six months full of positive intention, recognition, expansion and the excitement of wings spreading. However the second six months has felt like I have lived through a battle field, an emotional tsunami with trauma on top of trauma I have lived in a perpetual state of vulnerability.