Play my pain as raw twists my heart around a pole of discontent. Looking for nourishment in the spaces between the faces who do not connect. Dance aches in a train of tears that soak my breast. A great unease strips my heart back as the pressure in my blood feels like I will explode. A break through rather than a break down but the pain feels the same. My mind pulses with the hunger to remove the invisible lance that goes through the centre of me.
A great unease teases my confidence and strips me bare. I stumble with cognitive awareness on the sword of disruption. Yet hope is the light that pierces the blackness in the dark night of the soul. While the metaphorical blood pours from my veins into an unrecognisable river. When hurt floods your blood you are alone beyond comprehension. Feels like no one is there when you fall so low. No one wants to see your face stained with tears.
Words cannot describe this pain. I fly so easily into the sun of engagement and my wings are melted by the heat. My sensitivity is tortured by their propensity to misunderstand me, so soon, a disgrace from an ego that goes unchecked.
My heart screams but my face is silent. My mouth is still but words invade my head with night horrors that give black a new meaning. Their stories heard once twist my sensitivity into knots of despair as the cold winter seeps into spring and will not let go. Stories heard remain undebriefed and deep inside twist my intelligence into bubbles of terror. Red tears stain my face blue. I can hear the green rain dance in the bottle brush tree. I can play it back many times but the answer remains the same. Wordless and scared I seek a new language to define this transition.
© Anthea Slade 11-11-11
A reflection and study about the pain of transition and the aching vulnerability of starting a new job with no mechanism in place to debrief and a complete absence of support.
The draft of this piece was written just one month into my new job. Have been meaning to write here on RedBubble and have been carrying it around on my iPhone.