Play my pain

Play my pain as raw twists my heart around a pole of discontent. Looking for nourishment in the spaces between the faces who do not connect. Dance aches in a train of tears that soak my breast. A great unease strips my heart back as the pressure in my blood feels like I will explode. A break through rather than a break down but the pain feels the same. My mind pulses with the hunger to remove the invisible lance that goes through the centre of me.

A great unease teases my confidence and strips me bare. I stumble with cognitive awareness on the sword of disruption. Yet hope is the light that pierces the blackness in the dark night of the soul. While the metaphorical blood pours from my veins into an unrecognisable river. When hurt floods your blood you are alone beyond comprehension. Feels like no one is there when you fall so low. No one wants to see your face stained with tears.

Words cannot describe this pain. I fly so easily into the sun of engagement and my wings are melted by the heat. My sensitivity is tortured by their propensity to misunderstand me, so soon, a disgrace from an ego that goes unchecked.

My heart screams but my face is silent. My mouth is still but words invade my head with night horrors that give black a new meaning. Their stories heard once twist my sensitivity into knots of despair as the cold winter seeps into spring and will not let go. Stories heard remain undebriefed and deep inside twist my intelligence into bubbles of terror. Red tears stain my face blue. I can hear the green rain dance in the bottle brush tree. I can play it back many times but the answer remains the same. Wordless and scared I seek a new language to define this transition.

© Anthea Slade 11-11-11

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A reflection and study about the pain of transition and the aching vulnerability of starting a new job with no mechanism in place to debrief and a complete absence of support.

The draft of this piece was written just one month into my new job. Have been meaning to write here on RedBubble and have been carrying it around on my iPhone.

Creating art and writing is like breathing to me, it keeps me alive. If I stop creating my world shrinks and contracts. When I start to create again it expands and is filled with colour. I feel whole. To create is to be completely, unabashedly alive.

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Comments

  • Guendalyn
    Guendalynalmost 3 years ago

  • Thank you Guendalyn.

    – Anthea Slade

  • Guendalyn
    Guendalynalmost 3 years ago

    …THE PIECE AND FABULOUS, YOUR WRITTEN BEAUTIFUL!!! Unfortunately I do not understand the meaning, but the language is the translator that makes me lose some words! congratulations!

  • Wow thank you so much my friend for this empathetic and beautiful response. i appreciate so much you reading and responding to my writing and art.

    – Anthea Slade

  • Arco Iris  R
    Arco Iris Ralmost 3 years ago

    Anthea, If for not for your description, I would have taken it as to what I feel when I’m in the dark clouds of depression. It feels the same, the same pain which you have with words described it as I never would able to. As for starting a new job, I could see the apprehension of starting out new with new faces, not knowing if you will succeed in this transition in life. Hope everything goes out fine. You have managed to touch me very deeply with this one. Thanks for sharing.
    Iris
    xoxoxoxo

  • Dear Iris thank you for your sensitivity and compassion. The first five weeks in my new job was extremely hard and I felt very isolated and alone not having anyone to debrief the traumatic stories i was hearing from so many. But I have adjusted now and after three months I am learning to cope more with the challenging aspects of my job. Your sympathy and sensitivity is so beautiful and I truly appreciate your wonderful friendship. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend and a very joyous Christmas Season filled with love.

    – Anthea Slade

  • Leon A.  Walker
    Leon A. Walkeralmost 3 years ago

    This is a candid and powerful piece Anthea. Beautifully written! Life is a journey and I wish you well on yours. xo

  • Leon thank you so much for this wonderful response to Play My Pain. I truly appreciate you reading my writing and writing this kind and wise comment.

    – Anthea Slade

  • Reynaldo
    Reynaldoalmost 3 years ago

    wow…powerful, graphic, bold beautifully written best of luck in your new job xxx

  • Oh thank you dear Rey for this very beautiful response to Play My Pain. My first five weeks in my new job was very difficult because there was no debriefing mechanism and I was hearing such heartbreaking stories all the time but now i have been there three months and have been able to help vulnerable people find some hope, confidence and move forward in their life and it is very heart warming to see. I hope you are very well and having a wonderful festive season Rey. Thank you for your beautiful support of my art and writing dear Rey. xxx

    – Anthea Slade

  • Renate  Dartois
    Renate Dartoisalmost 3 years ago

    Dear Anthea powerful writing I think I know how you arrive at this point this is exactly how I felt this past year pain anxiety emotion you put it all into words.

  • Dear Renate thank you for your beautiful sensitive and compassionate response to Play My Pain, it has been a very difficult year this 2011 and pain, anxiety and a lot of emotion has been part of this year. It has been very challenging my friend and I hope that you are feeling better as we are three weeks to Christmas. I hope 2012 will be a year for realising our dreams and making revolutionary and beautiful change in our lives and on our planet. Have a beautiful day dear friend and I hope you are enjoying the festive season.

    – Anthea Slade

  • eoconnor
    eoconnoralmost 3 years ago

    very powerfilled and full of honesty and vulnerability welll written Anthea Huggs muy friend Liz

  • Liz thank you for your kind and sensitive response to Play My Pain. Your beautiful kindness and friendship means a lot to me. Have a beautiful weekend.

    – Anthea Slade

  • Julie  White
    Julie Whitealmost 3 years ago

    Superb words Anthea.

  • Julie White thank you so much for lovely response.

    – Anthea Slade

  • biddumy
    biddumyalmost 3 years ago
    Your words touch a nerve and a new job is a huge challenge and I feel for you. Hoping everything turns out o.k.!!!
  • Yes a new job is a huge challenge and it is my first new job after being in my last job for 7 years :) The first five weeks were very difficult but after three months now I have settled in and everything is working out ok. I hope you are enjoying a beautiful festive season.

    – Anthea Slade

  • msdebbie
    msdebbiealmost 3 years ago

    Hope you are now feeling much more settled in the new job. Like Iris, I find this one close to some of the feelings I express in depression/anxiety pieces, so I really really hope you feel better than the thoughts captured here my friend! Thinking of you Anthea xxx

  • Oh thank you so much Deb I am feeling so much better and have been in my position for over three months. Your beautiful compassionate response was such a wonderful support and I thank you for your beautiful friendship and empathy. I hope you are enjoying the festive season and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

    – Anthea Slade

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