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The world stopped 2009 03 22

The world stopped in place when I saw myself over my shoulder and I could have touched that which I saw, but I was backwards and my hand did not go in the correct direction, as if in a mirror, although it seemed I was doing everything right.

That day was a bitch. I stood near the highway and counted the cars racing by, and they kept on coming, like pages in a book which one has not read, and of what use is that to me, when they do not speak. My eyes looked over to the side and I saw a simple flower, and it took me a long time to realize that I am looking at it, and I found myself sitting next to it, and I looked at it for a long time, although the cars kept on speeding past, but I didn’t want to hear them anymore and was not in a hurry to get anywhere.

Does anyone know how to find a word one has lost?

The autumn of that year had not yet arrived, and no one was asking it to come, but there in my heard everything began to churn and change position—autumn became spring, then snow outside the window, and it hurts when you know, that between the both of them you are captured and closed in, and the walls are painted black, and the window

There is no such word in this room.

II

You can hear whatever you want, but you cannot always listen. It is hard to hear yourself, and if unprepared, it is not something you want or should do. To admit to yourself that you are guilty, that is half the job, but when another who has your appearance says that to you and points with his finger, it is hard then to suffer it, to endure, because after all you yourself have pointed accusingly at yourself, and yes it’s hard, so hard to confess, and you can’t look away, because then it’s even harder, because you are afraid to meet yourself and there are no crossroads nearby…

Pasaulis sustojo, kai pro petį į save žiūrėjau, ranka galėjau pasiekti tai ką mačiau tik atbulas buvau ir mano ranka ne į tą pusę siekė, tarsi veidrodyje buvau, nors atrodė, kad viską teisingai dariau…
Tą diena buvo sumauta, prie plento stovėjau, skaičiavau mašinas kurios bėgo ir bėgo, tarsi knygos puslapiai neperskaityti, tik kokia man iš to nauda, kai jos nekalba, mano žvilgsnis nukrypo į šalį ir pamačiau paprasta gėlę, labai lėtai susivokiau kad į ją žiūriu ir visai nesusivokiu kaip atsisėdęs šalia žiūrėjau į ją ilgai, nors mašinos vis bėgo ir bėgo, tik jų aš jau girdėti nenorėjau ir niekur neskubėjau…
Ar žino kas nors kaip žodį prarastą atrasti?
Tas ruduo nebuvo atėjęs, niekas jo ir neprašė, tik štai manyje pradėjo viskas vartaliotis, tai ruduo – tai pavasaris, tai sniegas už lango, skaudu kai žinai, kad tarp durų dviejų esi uždarytas ir sienos juodai nudažytos, o langas
Nėra tokio žodžio šiame kambaryje…

II

Girdėti gali ką nori, o išgirsti ne visada. Save išgirsti sunku, o ir nepasiruošęs, nepriimtina, nenorima ir nepageidaujama. Prisipažinti sau pačiam kad kaltas esi, tai pusė darbo, bet kai tau kitas su tavo atvaizdu tai pasakys ir bakstels pirštu-ištverti sunku, pakęsti sunku, juk pats į save pirštą bedei, o kaip sunku, o kaip prisipažinti sunku ir nusigręžti negali, nes dar sunkiau bus ir atsigręžti negali, nes susitikti su savimi bijai ir kryžkelės šalia nėra………

The world stopped 2009 03 22

Antanas

Vilnius, Lithuania

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Artist's Description

translation by T.Klimas

Presentation of my poetry book

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