He is Back. The Campaign - Extras
“He’s back again” said Ethan. “The Weirdo.”
Jaime looked up from her cash register to see. He was where he always went when he visited BIG Music/Video, scouring the TV DVDs. Always TV, always comedy. The really weird part was when you talked to him.“He looks like he could use some assistance.” Said Ethan innocently “Why don’t you go talk to him?”Jaime turned and looked daggers at Ethan.
“Why don’t you go stick y…” she began.
“Miss Slater?” said Rod, the boss.
Jaime turned around.
“Customer needs assistance with the TV DVDs, can you go help him?” said Rod.
Ethan failed to stifle a giggle.
“Sure thing.” Said Jamie. She touched her name badge, a little reassuring gesture, and walked out onto the shop floor.
The truth was weird guy wasn’t actually bad looking. He just had no fashion sense, he always wore dark clothes and he never seemed to want to take his hood down. He talked as if he had spent most of his life living in a cave and had only recently found his way down the mountain.
“Sup – er – nature – el” said Weirdy.
“Do you need any help there sir?” asked Jaime.
“Is this funny?” asked Weird Man thrusting the Supernatural box set at her.
“I think parts of it are.” She tried.
“What is funny?”
“A party clown being mauled by a dog.” She muttered quietly.
“Do you have that on video?” he asked.
“What?”
“Dogs, party clowns with the mauling.” He said
“Oh no, we don’t and we don’t have any videos, we only stock DVDs.”
“Oh yeah, right I keep forgetting.” He said.
‘Forgetting???!!!’ she thought.
“So you want something funny?” she asked
“Yeah, like that guy named Earl, is there any more of that?” asked weird man “and that guy is stealing from you.”
“What?” she said.
“That guy, over there, with the brown tartan cap. He has videos in his hoody pouch.”
Jaime turned to look. There was a skittish looking guy perusing the Xbox games, occasionally he looked around as if checking both doors.
“DVDs.” She said looking around to see if any else could see him.
“Yeah those.” Said Wierdo
“And it’s a Burberry cap.”
“It is? I just thought it was a lame brown tartan.”
“It is. Would you excuse me for one second?” she asked.
“Sure go ahead.” Said Oddball waving her away.
As Todd the security guard mashed some Burberry cap into the shop’s doormat. Jaime wondered back to the DVD section. The weird guy was sat cross – legged on the floor reading DVD boxes.
“Hey.” She said joining him on the floor.
“What’s ‘Friends’ about?” he asked.
“How do you reach the age of of of?”
“Twenty four.” He obliged.
“Twenty four and not know Friends? How do you not know what Burberry is and how did you know that guy was stealing?”
“Never had a television before three months ago. Never even heard of Burberry before but since it is lame and beige and tartan – like and found on criminals heads I don’t worry too much. And that guy was so shifty and paranoid and twitchy he screamed ‘deviant’.” He said.
“So what do you do when you are not spotting criminals or choosing DVDs?” asked Jaime.
“Well, I am a time traveller and I am here in the past to try and change the future.” Said Weirdy.
‘Cute and weird. That’s not a very bad thing.’ She thought
“Like Doctor Who?” she said.
“Who?”
“Doctor Who.” Said Jaime
“This guy?” he said picking up a DVD.
Christopher Eccleston stared out at her from a glossy, shrink wrapped box.
“Time traveller.” She said pointing.
“Is he a funny time traveller?”
“No. What is your thing with funny stuff?”
“Just not a lot of laughs where I am from.” He said.
“So no TV, no DVDs, not a lot of laughs and an amazing national ability to spot deviants. Where are you from?”
“I grow up round here.” He said
“You grew up round here.” She corrected.
“Yeah that.”
“So what do you do?” she asked.
“I said. Time Traveller.” He replied.
“Okay Mr ‘Time Traveller’, what are you doing back here?”
“Saving the world.” He said with a completely straight face looking at a Scrubs box set.
“From what, DVDs?”
“Is anyone here sick?” he asked looking right at her.
“What?” she exclaimed. The weirdness was starting to outweigh the cuteness.
“Sick. You know with cold-sweats, pale skin, puffy eyes, drowsiness?” He asked.
Jaime stopped. Weird guy was getting creepy.
“Why would you ask that?” she said quietly getting up.
“Who is the sick guy and where is he?” Weird guy got up too.
“How do you know Doug?” asked Jaime taking a tentative step back.
Doug was, like Jaime, a slave to the almighty commerce of BIG Music/Video. Doug was working today but currently was hiding out in the break room. He was suffering from a cold and looked terrible.“Doug? Is Doug here?” He asked
Jaime was suddenly scared. A normal, slightly flirty, situation had gone very bad very quickly. At a loss for what to say she looked down at the DVD’s by her feet.“That’s a yes.” Said Weird – and – Scary. “So he is here. But where? Not behind the counter those guys are way healthy. So it’s the staff area. Probably in the bathroom. Probably puking. Okay, gotta go.”
With that the scary man turned and marched towards the door to the staff area. Jaime was in a stunned silence. This guy was going to do something. Something bad. To Doug. But why and what should she do about it?“Todd! Todd! Stop that guy.” She cried.
Todd, having just bagged a happy slapping, ASBO-hoody, was well up for more of it. Seeing another hooded, wanna be, criminal moving quickly through the video-games he could not help but crack a smile as he moved to intercept. As he rounded the corner of the aisle his hooded adversary saw him coming and reached his hands behind his back. Was he going for a weapon? A knife? Todd slowed momentarily to see what happened. If the kid has a cosh then okay. If he has a knife then it could be a problem. So when this particular miscreant pulled a fat black gun out of the back of his trousers and shot Todd in the leg he was a little surprised.The gunshot had a strange effect on the shoppers. Being British and therefore not used to guns or public gun violence everyone just stopped and looked as if some bizarre, indoor street theatre was about to take place. The hooded man holding the gun noticed that now everyone was staring at him and on the inside he had regressed back to a childhood event involving standing in front of a class of his peers, in a burned out building, trying to answer the teacher’s question. Way back when he had wet himself. This time he shot two bullets into the roof to break the tension. At that moment a life time of watching action movies kicked in and the crowd all rushed for the exits.Jaime managed to get to Todd without getting crushed and realised she did not know any first aid to do with bullet wounds. In fact she didn’t know any first aid at all except maybe to put pressure on the wound. She crouched down and applied pressure to Todd’s shin but that just made him scream more.Looking up she saw the weird, creepy, scary, nameless man towering a hundred feet tall over the whole scene. The gun in his hand was enormous, smoke was trickling out of the barrel and fogging up the atmos. She started to wonder why she here? Why hadn’t she run away? Why did she move towards the gunfire? Then she remembered that she was scared. She was gonna die here. On the floor of a shop, in a cruddy work uniform complete with a name badge to identify the remains once her brains get splattered all over the folk music section.‘Wait a second! Don’t people empty their bowels when they die? Or is that just from hanging? Oh god, I’m gonna be found in a pool of crap and blood without a head! I never got to see Paris!’ Her mind screamed.“Hello!!” Tried the nameless man again. “Are you still in there?”
“Uhh?” was the only sound to escape Jaime’s lips.
“Good enough. Look, call an ambulance. I know a bunch of people just ran out of here but they are in hysterical mob mode and are not reliable. There must be a phone by the tills somewhere, the number is 999. Now I gotta go kill Doug before he kills anyone.”
“Uhh?” came again.
“Right.” Said Nameless “Maybe I should make the call?”
At that very moment the door to the staff area flew open and something in a work uniform and a name badge leaped out. The skin of its face was grey and stretched across its skull. Its red puffy eyes darted all around the shop then settled on the tennis crowd motion of jumping between Nameless and Jaime.Nameless reacted by shooting the thing in the chest and it fell back through the staff door.“Hey Doug!” said Nameless as he followed after.
The door slowly creaked shut and then there was some loud bangs which were probably gunfire. Then some paramedics showed up. Two balding men in green jumpsuits, brandishing red bags entered the shop looking nervous but determined. They ran over to Jaime and began working on Todd’s leg. There was a creaking sound and they all looked over to see that Nameless had reappeared. He had blood sprayed across his hoody but looked calm, almost serene and triumphant, like a child that had just climbed a tree or fought off the local bully. Seeing the paramedics Nameless headed over.“We are not armed.” Said one of the medics holding up his hands.
His white latex gloves were stained with red and they shook a little from nerves.“I know that.” Said Nameless. “How is he doing?”
“Didn’t you shoot him?” asked the other medic.
“In the leg!” Nameless protested “He should be fine.”
“He’ll be okay.” Said the medic.
“Can you move him?” asked Nameless.
“Why?” said both Medics in odd unison.
“Oh, I just set the building on fire.” Said Nameless in calm, composed tones.
“We should go.” Said Nervous ‘we’re not armed’ guy pulling Todd to his feet.
The other medic looked a little lost. He had never faced a gun toting murderer before. This was all very new so he just stared and waited to see what would happen next.Nameless looked down at the gawping medic and the lovely, but also gawping, Jaime. Speaking slowly and clearly, like one might to a six year old, he addressed the medic.“Pick her up and leave, the building is burning.”
At first the medic didn’t move. He just stared. It was only when the first medic, supporting Todd, said.
“Come on Tom, grab the girl and let’s go.”
The two men finally dragged the last survivors out.
Jaime sat on the running board of a fire truck, wrapped in a blanket watching her work place burn down. Without thinking she reached up and touched her name badge.
“Hello?”
“Sorry.” Said Jaime “What?”
“What was this man’s name?” said the officer.
“I don’t know we always just called him the Weirdo. He would come around and buy DVD box sets. Always comedy.”
“Comedy?” asked the officer.
“Yeah.” Said Jaime.
“Why was that?”
“Said he didn’t have a lot to laugh at?”
“Okay, did he say anything else?” asked the officer.
“Said he was going to save the world.” Said Jaime.
“How was he going to do that?”
END
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