I have such a burden of love for her in my heart,
I just don’t understand where it came from or how it got there,
But now she doesn’t want me anymore and I just can’t cope with losing her,
I thought I had let go, I thought I had moved on,
Yet it was the one I thought I had move onto that brought me back down to earth with a bump,
I long to deny the love that I feel for her, to make it go away,
I try so hard to convince myself she is wrong for me,
Telling myself the many reasons why it could never work,
Why can’t I just let go? It makes no sense at all,
Why do I put myself through the pain of rejection again and again,
Is this punishment for my disobedience, the consequences of my wrongdoing,
Much as I know I deserve every bit of it I can’t help but think…
Where is Your grace, where is Your mercy, why have You forsaken me?
I even dare to feel angry toward You, to call You unjust,
Let my pain speak for me no more Lord, deliver me I beg of You,
Deliver me of the rage and jealousy that festers in my heart,
Eating away at my joy like a cancer, like a plague,
Robbing me of my peace and dampening my hope,
Chipping away at my faith in You, Causing me to doubt You,
Causing me to compromise the righteousness You have so freely given,
Still I senselessly ask myself was it You that put this burden on my heart?
Is it Your will for me to feel such heartache and pain?
Could I ever righteously ask You for our full reconciliation?
Is this really nothing more than the product of a demonic soul tie?
Is there really nothing of You in these feelings or emotions?
My soul is weary and this yoke is so heavy and burdensome,
Though You say I should praise You through my circumstances,
And hard as I try to fight the feeling, I long to give up, to curl up and die,
To escape this overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness,
To sink into the soft sea of eternal forgetfulness,
There is a glimmer of hope, feint as it may be now,
A finishing line that is there regardless of how far away it seems,
There regardless of how many times I lose sight of it,
And as I lay on the track collapsed in exhaustion,
Your angels encampeth around me, miraculously reviving me,
No not supernatural beings but ordinary people appearing extraordinary,
Delivering their timely words of encouragement and revelation to me,
They are as clearer a manifestation of your merciful grace as ever I’ve seen,
The depth of their pain so much deeper and wider than mine,
I am astonished by their faith in the midst of their adversity,
You speak so clearly through them its hard not to exalt them,
Yet they are no more than Your mouthpiece, no better than me in Your sight,
They simply made themselves willing and available to do Your will,
And yes You would use me exactly as You have used them,
Blessing others through me as they blessed me and that hope I cling to.
“So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).”
2 Corinthians 12:10
A confession. Hard as it is to tell Him these dark secrets I know He already knows them and loves me just the same.
I’m feeling really nervous about putting this 1 out there so I’d really appreciate some feedback.