Over the olive grove
A description of a dog-fight over an unknown planet. Remembrance day inspired me to jot down a few thoughts and concepts, and the ones that weren’t complete nonsense found their way into this story. As always, any constructive feedback would be welcome.
Over the olive grove belongs to the following groups:
Flash FictionI see them dance, these ships of steel.
Two alone, they duel, filling the expanse with their sound, twin sparks of exotic metal high in the blue. They flash and thunder, rolling, swaying over an emerald coast, an arc of sand, a bluff of frowning rock, and the brown patch of an olive grove, far from home. They fight, these two, their machines soar, dancing like songbirds under the crystal sheen of a star without a name. Banking, stalling, engines squealing, computers grinding.
Tail to tail they fly, like a coil of sand.
A lapse in thought, a mistimed dive, a wounded sigh.
One ship locks the other down, overriding its impulses, stealing its wings.
And the ship becomes a cage.
I watch him die, that graceful kite, a burst of grit on a hillside, next to an olive grove, far from home.
Mardra
I think this is very well done. My only critique is to look at the punctuation. Since this is written as prose (not a poem), there are sentances that would be better served split up or punctuated differently. That said, I’m not an expert – but there are some excellent English majors around here who could clarify (or tell you I’m crazy).
I LOVE the pace and the movement of this piece.
My favorite part is: Two alone – that speaks volumes.
Thanks for sharing this.
AndrewJP replied
Thanks for the comment Mardra, after re-reading this one I agree that the structure needs a little more work. I actually started writing this as a poem, but it didn’t seem to flow very well. I’ll have a go at smoothing out some of those clunky sentences – thanks again!
Mardra
For the record – I think it would make a great poem, too.
I hope you share where it takes you!
skylina
Take advantage of the space. Leave some gaps. Big blank spaces. Start on fresh lines for just one word perhaps.
AndrewJP replied
Yeah, this one was a bit tricky. A few bad habits from many years ago crept in (the overuse of the comma for one). I’ll certainly come back and have another look when time permits.