Motivation and Desire by AndrewJP

What a difference a month makes. One month ago, it seemed like I had every facet of my life planned in advance. All the things people look forward to and do, the whole marriage, kids, mortgage thing… I thought that was going to be my life, that I would slot into it comfortably, and that I was finally going to know lasting happiness.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. The wheels were already starting to fall off the dream wagon, but I didn’t want to admit it. The person I was… let’s just say attached to… told me she didn’t have feelings for me anymore. We’d hurt each other too many times, we had different goals in life. She was so calm and eloquent as she put forth her arguments. Every word was like a nail in my heart. It hurt, badly. But the next day, instead of feeling pain, I launched straight into denial. I said, ‘no. This can’t be the end. I’m not going to take this loss. I’m going to win her back.’
So, I tried. I knew she was into vampires… (obsessed would be a better word :). So I started writing a story about vampires. I got through the prologue, and somewhat self-consciously decided to post it here on RB. (I called the prologue ‘Dawn of thirst.’) Then I started the story proper. I cast my real-life love interest as the vampire heroine, and myself as her protector, confidante and eventual saviour. I put all of myself into that one story, holding nothing back. I knew that it could be nothing less than perfect. I somehow thought that if I could write the ultimate vampire love story, infusing it with everything I felt for her in real life, then she would have no choice but to fall in love with the story, the characters… and me.

It didn’t work, of course. After biding my time and saving up all my hope, I had my heart broken again. I didn’t know what to do with myself, for a long time. Probably three quarters of my waking life (the other quarter I had a paying job to do, thankfully) was spent either worrying or wondering about her, or slaving away trying to write the perfect ten-thousand-word love letter. I was lost and confused. Things I had taken as certainties no longer made sense to me.

So I turned the page, and started all over again. The last chapter in my life was about love and forever. I think this new one will be about hope, courage, and trying to find out who I am.

And right now, I have a decision to make. Do I keep going with this vampire story that I fell in love with by accident, knowing that my motivation for writing it in the first place was built on false hope? Do I abandon my characters in the wilderness of the unfinished, and let them linger in purgatory on my hard drive?
I guess my point here is to ask… does our motivation for writing something really matter? Can you start a piece as one person, and finish it as another?

I have no idea, whatsoever.
But I hope to find out :)