I remember having thought it
seeing a man all the time… not really knowing him
and suddenly waking up one day
feeling some kind of feeling you can’t describe in words.
I’m experiencing love
seemingly independent of this particular young man.
I don’t know his full name
or even what motivates him
(overheard him cracking jokes about me…
my friends laughed)
I feel he’s the person I love
and could do much for…
if he’d let me,
I could blot out color… draw lines of him and me
and see only us!
Which means I see him very differenly
than he sees himself.
And so I acknowledge the need:
A deeper need in me than in him,
a need that blinds me,
one that harbors deep inside me
needing him to need back.
Fantasy kicks in again…
and I find myself
wishing for the kind of exchange
that seldom exists for women like me… fat.
And I’m not embittered by this truth
nor do I find myself feeling desperate
or timid about discussing it…
though it is a subject that pierces me to the core,
I’ve come to realize
despite the unfulfillment of our wants and needs.
See, it’s funny…
it’s difficult to explain:
I don’t need his false kisses,
his routine caresses,
his one-dimensional roughness
disguised as strength…
No, not if it is all meaningless.
Why should one need be fulfilled
while so many others are deprived?
I mean I feel the pang of
wanting; not being wanted….
needing; not being needed…
I’m no woman, I’m a freak
and there’s not going to be any relationship. period.
And I retreat…
to the private space of my fantasy
When will people realize,
I can change my cover,
still be a good book,
turn inside out
and be the woman
any man would want?
© 2011 Angela L. Walker
Featured in VAVOOM June 2012
Featured in Live. Love. Dream. June 2012
(Hooray! My first writing piece to be featured in a group!)
I’ve battled weight my entire life… this is another poem from my poetry book: Colored Threads: A Collection of Writings, 1985
This was one of the first poems I shared publicly… I originally wrote and used it as a monologue for my high school performing arts class. Amazing response from my peers, a standing ovation, and an A+ from my teacher was very encouraging… so now I share more without reservation… friends pleaded with me to add it to my first published collection of writings (which is out of print now).
As I was reflecting on my life, this poem still speaks to me as I still live portions of it in my mind. I painted Turquoise as a way of conveying that it’s the inner beauty that matters… it’s the spirit; it’s the soul.