Finding out who I am
Sometimes I feel like for the past ten years I’ve been in a coma, and this hell I’ve lived has been nothing but one long bad dream. I was in the coma so long, that now that I’ve woken up, I have amnesia and have no idea who I am. Looking at the picture ID and seeing nothing more than a name and a face.
I feel like someone else’s memories have been planted in me, and I’ve been living someone else’s life. This isn’t me, and this isn’t really my life. More and more I am having flashes of who I really am… A high priced attorney or a hotshot executive, with a husband and kids, and a real family. Nice home, white picket fence.. and don’t forget the family dog!
This fake memory of a woman who got trapped in a struggle with addiction to alcohol, got stuck in one abusive relationship after another.. the longer the nightmare dragged on the worse it got, till I finally ended up in prison and then on parole… none of this can truly be real.. can it?
The nightmare must be ending now, because I’ve completed my parole and have graduated from my outpatient program. I am having more and longer visions of the highly successful woman I’ve known deep down has been there all along. I’m seeing more and more of her lately, and I’m finding out that I’m not the only one that’s been seeing her, so it must be real.. right??
EAWilliams
I thank GOD for your victory! How did you face those problems that led to alcoholism? There are many people out there who could really benefit from your earned wisdom. Do you have any advice to recommend to family members who may have a loved one that is addicted to alcohol? All4Luv0078 – I praise GOD for your restoration.
May GOD continue to keep you and bless you!
Jessica Williams replied
Thank you EA! I wrote a comment below, thinking I was making a direct reply to your comment.. Oops! And then I realized I forgot something anyway.
As far as advice is concerned to family members (as well as friends and other loved ones).. I’m still growing, so the things I share and the wisdom that may or may not be in it, comes from the spirit that is growing inside me as well as my learned experiences.
I am by no means cured, but am on a continued journey.. as we all are. If you have a loved one who is struggling, with any addiction, please don’t ever give up on them. This does not mean you must hold their hand at all times, because then they won’t learn to walk on their own. But whatever you do.. don’t stop loving them. If they are still in active addiction, pray for them! Even if you feel like you hate them at times.. pray for them even more. The more you pray for them, the more heartfelt the prayers will become, and the more you will heal.. and God willing, them too.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I had a best friend who I loved like the sister I never had. It wasn’t a drug addiction she had, but a money addiction. I thought love meant doing anything for the person. I began enabling her, and in the midst of it all, ended up taking the fall for one of her money scams. The first six months I spent in jail I really thought I was going to kill her when I got out.. no exaggeration. I was drowning myself in my own anger and hatred, and that was killing me more than anything else. And then I started reading the Bible again, and something hit me. If Jesus can forgive even the worst of us, and bring us to him as though we had never done a thing wrong.. and can love us so deeply and so unconditionally.. then I need to try to forgive those that harm me. With all the harm I have caused during my own addiction, I need to learn to forgive those that harm me. I spent the next year and a half praying for this friend. At first it was forced and I thought it was a waste of time. But something told me not to stop. Whenever I started feeling the old surge of hatred again, I would stop, clear my head, and pray for her (and for me). The more I did it, the easier it became, and the more I truly meant it.
About three or four months after I got out of prison, she contacted me through a mutual friend. Needless to say I was very leery, and it will still take a long time to fully trust her again. But as it turned out, around the time I started praying for her, she went to prison herself. She was in a different facility than me, so I never knew. She got out a few months after me, and begged me to forgive her. I think I can honestly say by then I truly had. I’ve kept her at arms length, but I wanted her to know that no matter what, I still love her. She has been free of her money addiction for about a year now, and is back in the church. She finally has Christ in her life again, as do I.
So please.. even if things seem completely hopeless.. don’t ever lose faith, don’t ever stop loving them enough to pray for them every day. Prayer truly is a powerful thing.. as is Love!
I’m sorry if my postings are too long, but when I write, I’m writing whatever words are written in my heart at that moment.. words that my spirit is screaming at me to say. I am so grateful to have found this site, and to be a member of this group! Thank you all for your loving support.. it is truly inspiring!
Jessica Williams
All I can say us is it has been God’s strength inside me that’s kept me going this long. After everything I have been through.. suffering from alcoholism and depression, struggling through legal issues and going to jail, then prison.. and on top of it all having a severe physical disability that has me wheelchair bound, has left me with way more limitations than most. Geeze, I still after almost a year can’t even find an apartment that is wheelchair accessible that will take me with my past record. That is something I could really use prayers for, by the way! All of this has and still is making me the strong, determined woman I am today. It is very true.. God doesn’t give us anymore than we can handle, and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!
I absolutely hate to hear ANYBODY say that it’s too hard and they can’t do it. I know that everybody’s struggle is different, but if I can do it after everything I’ve dealt with, and am still dealing with.. there is absolutely NO WAY anybody can tell me they can’t do it!
It’s all a matter of faith.. faith in God and faith in yourself. I truly believe in the words of R.Kelly.. ”..If I can see it, then you can do it.. If you just believe it, there’s nothing to it!..”
EAWilliams
All4Luv0078, thank you for sharing your victorious experience with us; I am sure this will help many. I was hoping you could update this entry to include the tags alcoholic, depression and recovery as well. This will allow an even broader audience. I thank GOD for keeping you. There are many out there who are not under the covering and may come across things that are too difficult, they’re the ones that need to know that when they allow Christ into their lives He has promised never to put more on them then they can bear. Again, thank you for sharing your wonderful testimony. I would like to end with a prayer…
Heavenly Father, we come before you today in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior asking in His name that you would supply a wheelchair accessible apartment home or house for our sister All4Luv0078. Most High, you know her struggles and everyone of her needs and desires; we ask that you meet those needs and the desires – that she can handle right now Father God. Help her to continue on her journey being guided by your Holy Spirit because we know that it is not by might nor by power but by your Spirit these prayers will be answered and we thank you Father God and give you all the honor, glory and praise…Amen.
Jessica Williams replied
Thank you EA! (By the way, I too am a Williams :) ) I will definately add those tags to this posting!
ManaMoon
sometimes you’ve just got to let the powers that be take over. cast your fate to the wind and ride its flow until it lands you on solid earth, whether it be with a bump or gentle landing it grounds you, then you can plant roots. May peace be a piece of you!