Game Tower
Ravens perched on the crumbling tower of the castle, their piercing eyes watchful and wary. The castle must have been stunning in its heyday. Now it was just a pile of stone falling on itself from centuries of neglect.
‘Are you sure you want to go inside, Gunter?’ Anna whispered as we emerged from the thick forest that encircled the old keep.
If the truth was told, I really wasn’t sure. The silence of the forest unnerved me. It was as if every living thing was watching to see what would happen. Even the ravens were unusually quiet, their eyes following our every move. We’d come too far to go back now though.
‘Of course,’ I said to my sister with as much nonchalance as I could muster, ‘It’ll be fun.’
Anna gave me a look that said more clearly than words that she thought I’d gone crazy, but she followed me inside the dark, gutted building anyway. Shadows leapt across the slime covered walls making us both jump – and Anna’s shoulders shake.
Water dripped constantly from somewhere above and the sound of fluttering wings and shuffling feet echoed around us.
A tall figure stepped out in front of us. Anna screamed, grabbing my arm and digging her fingernails in deeply.
‘Not the best place to bring your sister to, Gunter,’ the figure before us laughed.
‘True,’ Gunter agreed with a smirk, ‘but she’s the best Dungeons and Dragons player I know. We’re gonna kick your arse this time!’
© Alison Pearce 2008
Comments
nice twist!
Thanks Jen!
– Alison Pearce
Hilarious!
Thanks!
– Alison Pearce
That was an amusing way to end the story, and you very convincingly led me astray. :-) I thought I was reading a fantasy or horror story, winding up to some shocking twist of an ending. Perhaps the title should have given it away, but games can be dark and twisted.
Thanks WA! Changed the game to Dungeons and Dragons though as I thought it was more fitting!
– Alison Pearce
Ha ha. Fun. I want a game tower!
Thanks Zolton!
– Alison Pearce
very good!! like the twist, i was getting ready to be scared from all the great build up!!
Thanks Miri! Actually, once the challenge is over, I will be extending and changing it to something much darker!
– Alison Pearce
Great twist, humor with a wink, loved the story
Thanks Vickie!
– Alison Pearce
great story telling…love the twist…with a sigh….I was getting myself ready to jump
Thanks Jewels!
– Alison Pearce
Amusing, but couldn’t help feel it was all a bit too contrived for the sake of a twist. Personally I always think an effective twist is where something foreshadows it earlier on in the tale. The reader then thinks “damn! why didn’t I see it coming”. For example, and off the top of my head, you could have had Anna clutching a book close and praying over it (making us think its a bible and they are expecting something terrible), but it turns out its a dictionary and she’s praying they’ll win. Also I think the narration is all over the place. At points it’s first person through the eyes of Gunter, and other times it’s third person which makes it feel a little careless at times. I’m surprised no one has picked up on it so far?
Thanks for the feedback DBA. I’m sure they picked up on it and were just too polite to say really! 250 word stories are so hard to do when my mind is racing ahead. After the challenge, I intend to drop the game, extend, and make it much darker.
– Alison Pearce
I enjoyed the story though, I’d have to agree with Darren that, it needs a little tightening up.
I didn’t think that the end was forced, but you could perhaps have eased it in a little bit more gently.
Thanks Micky! I appreciate your honesty and I personally agree with DBA as well. I find it difficult to stay within the word limit and come up with a twist as well! After the challenge, I aim to get rid of the game twist, extend and make it much darker.
p.s. Changed the game to Dungeons and Dragons as it seemed much more fitting. That got me up in the middle of the night thinking “Scarbble? Why the hell would I choose Scrabble?” LOL
– Alison Pearce
I read it when it was scrabble, and I like it as D&D…The title does give a bit of a clue to the twist. I enjoyed the read.
Thanks Paul! D&D just seemed like more of the type of game people would be sneakingh into odd places in order to play! The title? God I hate trying to come up with titles!!!
– Alison Pearce