8:30 – 9:00
“When are you going to quit complaining and actually bring home a girl so that you can finally get laid? I’ll sleep in John’s room if you want, man… the room’s all yours if you need it”
These were the last words Eric heard from his roommate before he set out for the night. ‘The Row is sounding pretty good tonight,’ he thought. He hadn’t even stepped off the lawn of the freshmen quad when he could hear a soft murmur of bass beats blasting from the speakers and amps of some four fraternity houses. It was nearing the end of the second semester, and Eric had yet to romance any ladies. But this week was the infamous “Frat Fiesta,” supposedly one of the biggest party events east of the Appalachians, and Eric was feeling somewhat lucky.
At Algernon College, “partying” generally is synonymous with “heavy drinking”
“Man I was so drunk last night… talk about BLACKOUT”
“Yeah man, Friday night we were all HOUSED, crazy night though, definitely”
“Nah, I think that was the night when I drank a fifth… definitely a good night”
Back at home Eric would listen enviously to his high school friends tell stories about the crazy-wild parties and lust-ridden girls who went to their respective schools. For them it seemed so easy, maybe too easy, to accomplish that deed all young men seek. Of course, when it was his turn to boast about his experiences at college, Eric would have the convenient excuse, “Oh I go to an all-guys school.”
It wasn’t that Eric did not enjoy going to Algernon College; he thought the academics were great and he had made some pretty good friends. But, he felt that something essential was missing… that essential thing of course being: girls.
Girls, girls, girls. Sometimes Eric wondered if being in an all testosterone environment made him more appreciative of girls, or if it simply made him objectify women worse. One thing he was sure of though, was that his “game” had suffered. He had forgotten how to flirt. But tonight, that was going to change. Eric was sure of it. He was definitely, for sure, without a doubt, going to find a girl tonight, and then bring her back to his room. He had to; it was a must. It’s Frat Fiesta. How could he not?
Girls will be so drunk they’d probably hook up with Little-Man, he showed up, a Building and Grounds yard man who was a campus legend. He stood tall at 5’1.
Eric continued making his way across the lawn of the quad, heading first to meet with his friend Nick before he really set out for Greek Row, party central. Nick lived in D – Hall, only about fifty yards from Greek Row, and a good place to “pre-game” before heading out to do some serious partying, drinking. Pre-gaming set you up for serious drinking. Eric learned pretty soon into his college that he couldn’t rely on the frats to get drunk. Even if the frats were giving out house beer, it generally ran out before 11 o clock, an hour before anyone would head back to their room.
As he neared Greek Row, the hum of the bass beats began to grow louder; he could even hear a few girls, screaming from the Row. Ahead he noticed a small band of girls huddled and whispering. He figured they were from Lyon University, a co-ed school in town. There were two brunettes, one a little shorter than the other, and a girl with slightly reddish hair, who was both taller and wider than the two girls on her side. Eric wondered if he should try and talk to them. The brunettes seemed pretty cute, and they weren’t too far away from him; he wasn’t too sure about the red head, but maybe they would want to pre-game with him and Nick. He decided he should at least try.
“Hey ladies!” he called out to them with a big smile.
They stopped abruptly, and one of them let out a noise that seemed to be a mix between a scoff and a giggle. Eric didn’t know if he should keep walking towards them or if he, too, should stop where he was. Part of him wanted to turn and run. He then realized just how weak his game was. The middle girl, the redhead, turned around and crossed her arms. He could tell that she was an upper classman, maybe a sophomore or a junior (her roundness said that… too much beer and fried commons food to be a freshman), and she was definitely the dictator of the group. But he could also tell that her two friends were first years; they were slim and hadn’t been spoiled by beer and grease. Eric continued to walk towards the trio with his grin glued on his face, as the group leader decided to speak up. She eyed him up and down with a face that looked as if she had just smelled something foul.
“Uh… hi.” And then she turned around and started walking again, ESP-ing her troop to do the same.
Her command caused Eric to stop dead in his tracks. She was so saturated in sarcasm it was frightening. Immediately Eric’s smile dropped to the ground, his eyebrows rose, and his jaw fell open. He was confused and he was pissed off.
“What the fuck was that?! What the hell? What did I do wrong?! What the fuck? Did I just get told off by an ugly girl? An ugly fat girl? What? Who does she think she is? Fuck!”
He continued to walk towards Nick’s room, just fifty feet behind what he now considered his first failure of the night. The girls continued walking to the frats, laughing and, even looking back once or twice to see if he’d survived his brush with death.
9:00 – 10:00
D – Hall, was one of the oldest buildings on campus. At one point in time almost the entire college was contained within D – Hall. But as the student body continued to grow, the college saw fit to transform the ancient building into student housing. Since then, it has become a place of debauchery.
D – Hall. This combination of hormones and cabin fever made for some pretty interesting results. Keep in mind that no more drinking, smoking, or smoking, occurred in D – Hall than elsewhere, at least on a per capita basis, but because of the size of D – Hall that consumption was particularly overwhelming. Just imagine how many beers it takes for two-hundred-and-some freshmen to get drunk. Every hallway, stairwell, dorm room, bathroom, and closet, smelled like something. That something was a mixture of beer or some other type of alcoholic beverage, vomit, a particular green plant, air deodorizer, or urine. The intensity of the stench coincided with student activities, increasing during the weekends and subsiding during the week. Usually by Thursday Eric could ignore the stink.
Eric burst into Nick’s room.
“I need a beer. Actually, I need twenty.”
“Hellll yeah, we’re bonging all those right? Yo man, tonight is gonna be off – the – chain, fuckin’ ridic’, you know what I mean? I heard Theta has a band tonight; actually, I can hear that Theta has a band tonight…” Nick stuck his body half way out the window to try to get a glimpse of the commotion that was Greek Row. “And then Crow (Alpha Chi Row) has a DJ, umm, SPE (Sigma Phi Epsilon) is throwing down pretty hard, oh and then Alex said that Zeta and also Phi Mu are having something. We better get to drinkin’.”
He pulled some beers out of the mini fridge under his bed along with a large funnel that had been stuck into a three foot long, one and a half inch wide tube – a beer bong, a device that was specifically made for rapid pace binge drinking. As Nick began carefully filling up the drinking contraption, Eric told him how he’d been shot down.
“I’m depressed, dude. I just got shot down by a fat girl. Eric put on his ‘thousand mile stare’ stare and looked utterly hopeless, like how his dad told him about some of his friends in Vietnam.
“Why are you hitting on fat girls anyways? I thought you had more class than that.” Nick was too busy pouring his beer bong to fully understand, or care about Eric’s answer.
“Well, I mean, like, I wasn’t hitting on her. She had two cute friends. And I don’t know, all I did was say, ‘Hey ladies’, and she had to go and be bia’ about it. She was just like, ‘Uh…hi.’, and then they started walking away. I mean what the fuck is that? Fuckin’ gay man.”
Nick proceeded to empty the contents of the beer bong down his throat and immediately began pouring another one, this time for Eric.
“Shit man. Fuck girls. They’re just stupid. A waste of our time. We go to an all dudes school anyways. Every girl who comes here is either a slut or thinks she’s gonna get raped. I mean seriously, think about it. When they come here, it’s like… a bunch of hunters in the woods with machine guns, all going after the same goddamn deer. And really, all that happens, is that she gets scared away by the gunfire. Cuz not only do these hunters have machine guns, but also, they’re allll drunk.”
Eric had heard this from Nick before. Earlier in the year he was dumped by his long term girlfriend and the result was a very cynical, hormonal male.
“Whatever man. I mean, still, it’s Frat Fiesta week. You’d think the girls wouldn’t be such bitches and actually let their guard down, you know? I mean Jesus, I’ve been here” – Eric paused to take his beer bong – “for almost… two semesters now, and have yet to meet a decent girl.” The beer bong made his eyes cross and remembering Steph broke his heart again.
“Yeah that’s cuz by ‘decent’ you mean ‘someone who will sleep with me’. I mean I don’t know if you’ve been boycotting mirrors or anything but I don’t know man… you’ve kinda let yourself go…”
“Mannn, shut up, you’re fucking gay. Nice to know you’ve been checking me out.”
“Nah, but seriously, its POINTLESS to try and find a decent girl here. I mean maybe if you’d decided to take that bid from Alpha Sig… maybe then you’d have met some girls. But dude, seriously, if you aren’t a brother somewhere, you’re not gonna get laid, so like, don’t even worry about it. And if it happens, it happens, but don’t expect it. The sooner you realize that, the more fun tonight will be. “So just, fuck girls –”
Eric under his breath “Yeah I wish…”
“ – and let’s just keep doing beer bongs, make some drinks, head over to the frats, and get wasted. And have fun. Good times. Promise.”
Eric squirmed a little in his chair. Clearly he was not happy with what Nick was telling him. Eric knew that what Nick said was true, but still.
The pair continued to drink until they both decided that they were feeling “pretty good”, Eric had mostly forgotten the failure and was in higher spirits. Nick was as lively as ever, and was already beginning his drunken shenanigans.
Karate kicking trash cans, jumping off of the walls or anything else that seemed like it could support his weight (and some things that looked like they couldn’t), punting half empty beer cans, and challenging anyone and everyone to freestyle rap battles. This wasn’t wholly due to the alcohol. Nick was a pretty wild character to begin with; the wall kicks and can punting happened any night. Eric’s drunk act was milder. He always had some kind of smile on his face, sheepish, or devious, or just downright stupid. But the night was looking ripe, and their timing was perfect. Each was armed with as many beers as they had pockets and each of them carried a strong mixed drink in their hands. All over campus there were bands of students heading over to the Row. Whoops and hollers were echoing throughout the entire campus, and the hum from the bass beats was growing louder and louder. Off in the distance girls were screaming and laughing, drunk fraternity brothers were throwing beers, and if one listened close enough, he could hear a band playing a cover of an old eighties song. The whole campus was buzzing with activity.
10:00 – 1:00
The Alpha Chi Rho “party bunker” was sweltering. At least a hundred bodies were packed into a space about the size of a three car garage, and all of these bodies were grinding, dancing, drinking, yelling, and sweating. Some of them were in the bathroom heaving; others were in the corners of the bunker making out. Some were even right in the middle of the party bunker making out, the sea of bodies helped ensure privacy. The DJ who operated the party was doing his best to play the heaviest bass beats he could find to keep that “booty-bass-sound alive through the fine vibrations of the mother ship”. Eric noticed that this “booty bass” was doing its job – every girl he saw was dancing like there was no tomorrow. Some of the girls looked absurd they were trying so hard. Their faces were contorted into some serious do-or-die expression, hips moving, arms bobbing above the head, knees half bent, booties bumping. The scene was awesome. Every level surface, including the bar, had girls dancing on it. The DJ alone had three girls all to himself. The bartenders were thoroughly occupied trying to give away what was left of the house beer to their patrons, having to dodge stamping feet and gyrating hips, just waiting for one of these girls to fall off the bar. Maybe then they would finally get to drink.
Eric often wondered why girls danced on elevated surfaces when they were drunk. He asked Nick.
“They probably do it cuz they want me to climb up there with them, and actually show them how to move… Yeaaah, I bet they all want it, and they’re just waiting for someone with big enough balls to go up and talk to them. I think I should go talk to one of them right now.” But then Nick’s voice was drowned.
“Yeah right, more like cuz they’re all just dumb hoes and all they want is attention, and they’re not afraid of breaking a couple bar tops if that’s what it takes to get it.” Eric liked his analysis.
Eric decided that it would be better if he drank a little more before he tried to talk to any girls – he had to be sure he had charm.
By now, Nick was in his own world. It didn’t matter what was happening around him; the crowd might have been able to contain his person, but it did nothing to contain his character. Nick talked up a storm when he was drunk. What was remarkable about this was that the girls loved it, his crazy spiel. They ate it up; they thought he was funny and cute. To them he was some kind of crazy-wild college boy who knew a good time. Yet, no matter how many girls fell under his spell, Nick was still pessimistic about girls. While Nick was floating around having a blast, dancing with whichever girl he bothered to smile at, Eric was stuck in the corner sucking down a beer, trying to think of what would sound best to a drunk girl dancing on top of a bar.
Out of the corner of his eye Eric saw two figures making their way towards him. Two slender frames dressed in tight jeans and showy tops were shuffling by the edges of the dance mob right towards Eric. Then, one of these girls was leaning right in on his ear.
“My friend wants to dance with you!” She had to yell to get his attention.
“What? What did you say?!” Eric yelled back to be heard over the music.
“My friend wants to dance with you! Here!”
All of a sudden a little brunette girl with straightened hair and a pretty face threw her hands over Eric’s neck, as if she was falling forward and he was there to keep her balance. Eric staggered back a step. He could tell by the way she was hanging on his neck that she was going fast.She tilted her head and looked up at him and laughed. Eric thought, “Okay, she’s smacked”.
He couldn’t remember exactly how it happened, but all of a sudden Eric was in the middle of the dance mob with this cute little drunk girl getting his dance on. These dance charades made him realize how drunk he actually was.
The girl was just shorter than Eric and very slim. To Eric she was sexy as hell. She was rubbing her backside into his front side. Eric stood there bobbing back and forth; his main responsibility was to support her as a leaning post, and rock his knees a little. He also was in charge of keeping his hands on her hips to give her further support as she rocked her hips and pressed herself into him.
After a song, or two or three, (party bunkers seem to disobey any rules regarding the space – time continuum) Eric leaned forward to her. He didn’t know if she could tell he was ecstatic.
“I’M ERIC BY THE WAY!” he yelled to communicate. She turned around and let him envelope her, looking up into his face again, still smiling giddily.
“I’m ASHLEEYY!” Just then he heard a strange noise. It sounded like Nick.
“Yo yo yo yo yoo yo! Yo ERIIC. WOOoo, HEY girrrll. Hah hah!! Yo man” – he put his hand on his shoulder and leaned in close to Eric, yelling right into his ear – “Yo man, I’m going to Siggaa Phi, to check out that band! Have fun with your lady! HAH haaah!”
Eric flashed Nick a thumbs up.
Eric blindly danced on with Ashleeyy. They danced making it something of a workout. The bunker was a furnace.
“Hey, do you have a beer?” She leaned in close to his ear..
“Nah, do they have any at the bar?”
The girl frowned and shook her head. Eric realized he would have to act fast. He leaned in close. “I have some drinks in my room, I think. It’s not too far from here, its over in D – Hall!” Yelling made it hard to give the message any feeling other than loudness. Eric second guessed himself because Ashleeyy’s expression was hard to read. It seemed as though she was thinking. Maybe she hadn’t understandood what he had said. Should he repeat himself? Then she looked up at him with her now trademark, dolled-up smile as if he had just told her the most important thing in the world. He liked this. Second guessing dragged on in Eric’s head.
“Yeah, I guess.” She bit her lip.
“Haha, alright! Let’ss gooo!” Now Eric was dragging out his syllables.
By now he was gunning it. They hurried down the Row past the thumping frat houses. She would tell him she was cold and he would pull her in by the hip and they would get off balance and stagger on step by step, laughing back to D – Hall. They climbed up the stairs to Nick’s room
“You’re not just taking me up here, to take advantage of meeee are you?!”
Eric’s mind began to race again, “Are you kidding? What do you mean?”
Luckily Ashley laughed a little more.
“I promise you it’s like right around the corner, we can just grab a few beers and head back to the Row.”
Eric was now doing his best not to seem shady; he definitely did not want to ruin any chances he might have. He had taken two or three steps into the room and turned around to make another attempt. “Welcome to my humble home!”
Ashley threw her arms over him and pressed her lips against his. She was shoving him over the back frame of a cheap metal futon that sat in the middle of the room. Eric did his best with half of the embrace.
“Oh-my-god. This is awesome, I’m totally scoring with this really hot girl, holy crap, yess, I’m fuckin’ awesome, hahh hahh, yeaah sonn!” Eric’s head began flying; he was having the time of his life. Everything was carrying itself out like clockwork. He kicked his shoes off, she flicked her heels off. His shirt came off; her top went flying across the room. Eric was looking lucky, Eric was feeling lucky. Eric was feeling all sorts of things.
Here’s the kick. And he’s off! The tens, the twenties, now the thirties! He heading straight down field, how far will he go! He’s passed fifty yard line, there go the forties, and the thirties. He just might go all the way!
Eric knew it was going to go all the way. He was about to accomplish his night’s mission! And just then a phone a rang. It actually wasn’t a ring, but rather, a cheap polyphonic ring tone of a popular rap song.
“Mmmph, hold on.” She sat up and pulled a skinny silver phone out of somewhere and flipped it open, putting it to her ear. “Hello? Yeah… No I’m in D – Hall right now… Phi Mu? No, it’s like right next to the Row…. What? Are you serious? Okay well hold on… Yeah, no, it’s alright. Yeah okay… alright… byeee!” She flipped the phone closed and put it back in her pocket and then shifted her weight off of Eric to stand up.
“That was, Whitney. I have to go meet up with her.” Ashley got her top from the other side of the room and pulled it on over her head. She didn’t even look at Eric, who was leaning up on his elbows still on the futon,.
“Ummm, do you have those beers?” She asked him as if she was ordering them with a pizza.
“Oh… uh yeah. Um they’re under the bed, in the mini fridge…’
“K, thanks.” She pulled out three beers, and moved towards the door.
“I’ll call you in like two minutes, I swear. Whitney is just freaking out a little right now…. Byyeee!” She let her goodbye sound cheap.
Eric knew he wouldn’t see this girl for the rest of the night. He suddenly felt really tired. The ceiling was swaying violently. He was felt very dizzy. He put his hands over his eyes and let out moan that turned into a yawn.
The futon was becoming more and more comfortable; it felt like a nice place to pass out. As his eyes began to close, he was comforted by one last fact.
At least it’s only Wednesday.
This was actually supposed themed around existentialism, but it turned into a satire of my school. somehow it got 2nd place in a short story contest