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Come to my concert, right here, right now. It's free to get in

But it costs 57.50 to get out.

So I walk up on stage and look out at 37 million adoring fans! They scream “Get off the stage ya bum!” Well, that’s not nice, I think. But I’ll be glad to collect that fee when it’s for them to leave. I pick up my guitar and I tune it, then I scratch my back with it for about an hour. And then I start to sing.

(Oh what’s the worst possible name to give your new rock and roll band? That would be, “CONCERT CANCELLED!”

So I start to sing…

If I had a hammer
I’d hammer in the morning
I’d hammer in the evening
All over the place

I’d hammer on my wife’s knee
I’d hammer on the TV
I’d hammer on my brothers and my sisters
And even on their blisters
Oh Ouu, all over the darn place (pardon my language)

(Now I’m playing my two-stringed guitar, and it ain’t pretty)

Clang, chang, boing!

If I had a hammer
I’d hammer on my mother-in-law’s new chair
Hammer on that thing in my underwear
Oh yeah, all over the place

I’d hammer on a police car
I’d hammer on the nearest movie star
I’d hammer on my chocolate bar
I’d hammer on the hitchhiker in my car
Oh baby, all over the place

I’d hammer on the mailman
I’d hammer on the mail in his hand
I’d hammer on my dog see
I’d hammer on his flees … wheeeeee
All over the place

So nobody give me a hammer!

Don’t forget the $57.50 on your way out

Comments

  • tinaterry
    tinaterryabout 6 years ago

    Love it! tx

  • Dawn B Davies-McIninch
    Dawn B Davies-...about 6 years ago

    brill albert just brill dawn

  • Wendi Donaldson
    Wendi Donaldsonalmost 4 years ago

    Too funny!!! Nicely written.