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Hold me in your arms and let us forget the day it all happened

I look at the rawness of my wounds still not healed

And yes I could think about suicide or
Even depression and the desperation of my circumstances
but
Instead I think only only and just

LOVE.

because
when real
and when not at arm’s length is an
open wound
Everything feeds it and makes it more apparent
From a infectious line in a poetry book
To the bleeding sky at sunset
the festering pain of lovers walking hand in hand,
and the carving up of trees with initials
The tenderness flourishes throughout the
body
Mind and heart
Entirety
Until that is what consumes your life
and your only hope
to close such a catastrophic wound
That has made you so

Raw…..

Is it find them

The one.

Do you hear me?
I know you must….

I thought I saw you walking the same halls as I
But
I know it is all an illusion
Of desperate hope.

And every new patient they admit I hope is you
Just so I can sneak into
You room
And lay my head on your chest

I have lost myself again
Yes
Again.

Somewhere between reading Lorca and you picking me up
That day the sunset lived in my bathtub
I didn’t mean it to happen
Believe me?

I am trying to hold on
To what I don’t know…
But it is out of reach these days
dark falls to swiftly
and I am terrified of all the memories it conjures up
because you know all that has happened to me with the lights
fall
fall
fall
down…

So I sit here and watch the headlights from the cars pass intermittently
casting a brief moment of illumination in my eyes and spirit

Do you remember that night? We sat up and just talked?
You were so young then and you talked quick and listened slow
I had one of your sweaters on and I tucked my knees up in it
Because it was getting cold but I didn’t want to leave

I am sorry I did this
But you know
Love
no matter how
Much you loved me
Your devotion
Cannot take away my illness

And I know how mercilessly you tried…
Thannk YOU.

They bandaged my writs again

Because I winced
Clenched my teeth
and peeled them off earlier today
Why you ask?
Because I tried to parade around as normal
With my head held high
Like nothing was ever wrong with me …
But as they sat me down and talked to me
About infection and healing
my head went back down
because everything was a murmur
I saw my life for what is is
And
I thought there really was no reason to heal, to hold my head up unless you are with me
Unless you are here so I can look you in the eye

The sky
Tonight around the moon is the perfect shade of blue
You would love it…

And tonight
I am curled up
sedated as my disillusioned eyes
flutter
And imagine you stitching me up saying
This time it will be alright baby

And before my weary eyes close

I lay my hand palm side up in hopes in the middle of the night you
Might come to my bed side and fill it with yours.

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Hold me in your arms and let us forget the day it all happened by 


from the book I am writing Raw a love story

Tags

suicide, love, sunset, blue, red, dream

Comments

  • evon ski
    evon skiover 2 years ago

    well youre a hell of a writer. gee this is brilliant. raw and real and gut wrenching honesty here.

  • thank you so very much!

    – April Mansilla

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