Sun Symphony (second)
First attempt and writing to a purpose, as opposed to allowing the writing to come to me.
= Take 2 ~ I’ve tweaked it a bit! =
I hope this came off like a day in the life of the sun but who knows lol
I didn’t know it was going to do that until the last few lines … that’s what I like about this writing game – it’s a mystery to me till the end too! :o)
Enjoy & Keep Happy! :o)
Sun Symphony (second) belongs to the following groups:
WMGFrom the depths of darkness, the void of any hue
Starlight will pick out the first, the deepest hint of blue
On the edges of my mind I see white then yellow and red
I close my eyes and amalgamate the colours in my head
To blend and stir and create anew then separate so concise
from the deepest crimson hue to the crisp clean clearness of ice
We’ll dance in purples, run in greens, tumble in orange depths
float on blues and indigos and blush deep pink caress
And for the grand finale the boldness of my shades
contrast and clash and startle, bright yellow before they fade
Then softly ever softly the hues all blend and melt
till darkness can resume the peace and serenity is felt
adgray
Thanks for looking again at this
Do these lines in the first stanza work better?
If so I will change the original to them and delete this.
lianne
I think I might like this better Alyssa – it seems a bit tighter but i’d have to look at them side by side which I’ll try to do in a little while.
adgray replied
Yeah I like the introduction of starlight, it could possibly assist the analogy of sunlight and the interaction of colours due to it
and the rhythm with white included [although white is the presence of all colours in even doses]
what else did I change … uuuumm …. oh I just added the comas to phrase it better – that’s the singer in me lol
But it must be the middle of the night for you Lady L go sleep I can wait! [well I can’t I love chatting with you … but you know lol]
lianne
not quite the middle of the night yet Alyssa dear but I’m multitasking at the moment – lol – if I can’t get to it tonite dear friend – will do so first thing in the morning
adgray replied
What time is it over there? it’s 11am [ish] here
handprintz
This is lovely Alyssa,l felt l was being wrapped up all snug in a colourful patchwork blanket, watching the day pass me by.
Thank you a good way to start the day….............Trudi
adgray replied
Thank you Trudi
Thank you for taking time to read my words your comment is highly appreciated … the more the merrier lol … and don’t know about you but snug in a patchwork rug watching the day pass by would be heavenly on a day like to day [Frankston / Melbourne cold and wet :o)] but I am about to be inundated with family so I’d best get on cleaning house lol
~ hope you have a great day! :o)
liesbeth
Had to print one out to see what you had changed. To me this sounds even better( and the other version already was great). I can see why you could have doubts about the white, but it is colour used in art
as a single colourso yes good to have it in your poem. Besides to my it feels right to go from white to yellow and then to orange. The starlight makes it more poetic i think.No need to doubt Alyssa, you did great. Think you stayed close to who you are , and if you do so, i don’t think you can go wrong.
I haven’t got a book, otherwise i would be real proud if this could be in it!!!!!
ps. nice to read what our oppinions mean to you xxx
adgray replied
WOW! Thank you so much Lady Lizzy ~ this is such a wonderful help! [and thank you for printing out my work – yes you can print out all of my work I feel honoured you think me that noteworthy :o) ]
I think I’ll use this as the one I send to him so thank you for your final vote of confidence for it and me :o)
Bits & Pieces are having a 3 tie competition – Art + Writer + Critical comment and If we had have done this as an entry this could have been the collaboration to have won, my poem, Jerry’s sunset and your critique
But alas the works have been posted so no entry lol
Thank you so much my friend ~ fingers crossed he likes it too! :o) xox
liesbeth
Yes, i have read about this competition. Too bad we didn’t think of it before, you could have posted it otherwise.
I like these collaborations, that’s one of the things i admire here on RB the artists are not just doing there own thing, but help others too, and make so much more of it by adding a painting, picture or a poem.
First collaboration i saw here was done by Sally Omar, thinking to myself that is must be an honour if someone would want to write words for your creation. Now she has written several beautifull poems for my creations and i feel so d** proud.
I hope your poem will be accepted, can’t imagine why he wouldn’t because it is great.
Job well done, lady!