I am writing this entry into my journal as a means of communicating with a certain type of person suffering with depression. I suffered depression for many years from about the age of thirteen until recently, i am soon to be 44 in April. It has debilitated me beyond words but i bless the man who set me free – Jesus. Throughout my life as a Christian i could not understand why i suffered this terrible ‘curse’ and felt a worthless excuse of a human being. Then during the summer of 2006 during a particularly nasty episode the Lord bought back to my memory words that a dear friend had once said to me years ago. He said to me “The trouble with you Jacqueline is you are such an Idealist!” I took no notice of it at the time but now in my kitchen standing with tears running down my face for the millionth time i begged the Lord for help once again. As these words came back to my mind i thought “just what is an Idealist?” I thought i knew but suddenly i knew nothing. I decided there and then to look it up on the internet and wasted no time in bringing up Google. I came across a site called ‘keirsay.com’ which would test your personality, i was sceptical but decided to give it a go anyway. I didn’t pay for anything although i was offered an extensive report but i declined and went for the free one. I answered those questions as honestly as i could and came up as an Idealist, “so” i thought “Philip was right i am an Idealist”. I proceeded to read all about the personality traits of an Idealist and boy was it me, i was shocked! As i read the light went on now i knew why i was the way i was and felt my ‘mental illness’ had a name – Idealism! I can honestly say it was one of the most profound deeply moving moments of my life and liberty came deep into my soul. I wept and cried for the rest of the day as Jesus set me free and i understood! Just to know, to understand made so much difference it was like a rebirth after my ‘born again’ experience when i asked Jesus into my life. I continued to read that evening late into the night and the next day absorbing everything into my soul which bought life! I found out they feel like ugly ducklings and that they don’t fit in anywhere. They are deep thinkers having a rich and fertile inner life, they can feel isolated and lonely having many friends but only allowing one or two into their inner life. As a result of this deep thinking they can find most people shallow and struggle to find others to connect with. Connection is one of the most important things to the Idealist and the overwhelming desire to help others that if they can find no channel for any of their quests they can very quickly sink into a bottomless pit of despair. Where is all this going i can hear you ask? Well i’m just trying to find other people who are suffering from depression and simply want to let them know that what they are suffering from may be because they are an Idealist. They find living in this world hard work and often escape into a world of fantasy or daydreaming in order to survive the harsh realities of this world. Please do not misunderstand me i am not saying that Idealists are just dreamers and no good to man nor beast otherwise God would not have created us. They are not just simply capable of dreaming….. they are visionaries and when they get a ‘cause’ under their skin can move mountains to achieve their goal – usually for the good of mankind. Gandhi was an Idealist, Elenor Roosevelt was an Idealist, Princess Diana was an Idealist, John the disciple who laid his head upon the Jesus’ breast was an Idealist to mention just a few. There are only 2% of the population that are Idealists and so we are rare but i feel unique! God created us to be world changers even if that means the ‘world’ is simply our neighbourhood it’s a start. Being an Idealist has at times been both a blessing and ‘curse’, i put the word curse in inverted comma’s as i do not literally believe it is a curse but more a very apt way to describe the way i feel sometimes being an Idealist in a non ideal world. We are passionate and so we suffer as a result if our passion is curbed or stunted, so if you know someone, or you are someone who suffers from depression it could be that they, or you, are an Idealist. Please find out for yourself it radically changed my life and i praise God for creating me just the way i am – an Idealist!
