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The Vednesday Chapters

CHAPTER THE FIRST

Completely forgetting that the names of the days of Earth were re-named way back in 2006 (Sunday was Sunnday; Monday was Moronday; Tuesday was Chooseday; Wednesday was Vednesday; Thursday was Dursday; Friday was Fry-Pan-Day; Saturday was Saturnday) Vednes strode on all his five legs into the corner shop and asked for Friday’s E-newspaper (Eccentric Newspaper). Now as you will remember the days were re-named, and the robotic shop assistant was not programmed to recognize the old days. So… the robotic shop assistant stared blankly for a few seconds and then promptly self destructed. Apparently there was a run-time error, robots these days – sheesh. Anyway, so Vednes ends up in E-hospital (you guessed it, Eccentric Hospital) with multiple entry wounds on his forehead caused by IFBTHSMYWYWD’s (Identified Flying Bolts That Hurt So Much You Wish You Were Dead).

CHAPTER THE SECOND

The nice Yellow Hat With The Orange Smiley Face sat erect on the head of the E-hospital’s head procrastinator while he tried to procrastinate with some other people that were practicing procrastination techniques, which in Layman’s terms is to leave things to the very last moment. I like that word – Procrastinate. Procrastinate procrastination procrastinated! Vednes liked the Yellow Hat With The Orange Smiley Face so much that he wanted to touch it, so he reached up and grabbed the Yellow Hat With The Orange Smiley Face. The problem was that the hat didn’t like to be touched by people with holes made by IFBTHSMYWYWD, so the hat promptly exploded. But this was no ordinary explosion; this explosion was one of stupidity and irony. So all the millions of tiny pieces of the original Yellow Hat With The Orange Smiley Face grew into millions of big Yellow Hats With The Orange Smiley Face who forcibly seized control of the E-hospital, taking countless, well six, doctors hostage. One of these doctors has a lisp, and so for no particular reason his mouth opened and his large voice box began to broadcast this (in a lisp): “I have a lisp”. What heartless bastard thought of the word lisp to describe a lisp? All the Yellow Hats With The Orange Smiley Faces promptly exploded in an explosion of laughter, which is the best explosion because that’s the only explosion that can explode Yellow Hats With Orange Smiley Faces for good. After this rather unforeseen event the doctor with a lisp began to laugh with a lisp, which I thought is impossible but it says so on this bit of paper (or in these pixels, for those of whom are reading an EE-Version (Eccentric and Electronic Version) of this text) so it must be true. Thusly he dropped his pen onto the cold floor which was quite warm for a cold floor and the pen cried very muchly on account of its broken ball in its tip. Red ink filled four whole square centimeters of the unusually warm cold floor and the investigation team from the A (ONSA) DOPOFIS (Accidental (Or Not So Accidental) Dropping Of Pens On Floors Investigation Squad) came to question the doctor with a lisp. The doctor with the lisp was then charged with penslaughter in the first degree. The pen’s family (including the Highlighters (the pen’s cousins)) attended the funeral of their beloved, in which the remains of the pen were thrown into the nearest rubbish bin and promptly forgotten about.

CHAPTER THE THIRD

On the following Moronday the E-hospital re-opened to patients following the bizarre events of Fry-Pan-Day, and the bin containing the broken-balled pen was emptied onto the neighbouring river of di-hydrogen monoxide which ran into the sea of di-hydrogen monoxide which promptly fell over and no longer ran, but instead oozed across the sea bed. The sea bed was one of the most uncomfortable beds of all time. No pillows, no sheets, no mattress just a whole lot of nothing, a rock or two, 9,192,688 × 1099 grains of sand, a bit of mud here and there and a whole lot of di-hydrogen monoxide. But it was on this sea bed that Vednes lay, with concrete blocks for shoes – not much of a fashion statement. Anyway, he lay there pondering “How the bloody hell did I get here wearing these hideously crap and uncomfortably uncomfortable grey shoes that suspiciously look like concrete when just two chapters ago I was laying nice and snug as a Vednes in a rug in my hideously white and blue E-hospital bed!?” Well I, being the narrator, feel it is my duty to tell you why, and I’ll do just that! Vednes was laying in his hospital bed while a bricklayer walked in with his concrete mixer, mixed up some shoes for Vednes that were rather heavy and then an atomic bomb made from atomic materials fell and atomicized a big hole in the floor which Vednes promptly fell through into the big blue mass of di-hydrogen monoxide pause to take a breath. Again, those shoes were not much of a fashion statement and as such the fashion police have now put out WANTED posters for the bricklayer who made the hideously crap and uncomfortably uncomfortable concrete shoes another pause for breath.

CHAPTER THE FOURTH

As I begin here with the fourth chapter, Vednes is still laying at the bottom of the di-hydrogen monoxide sea with the debacle of not being able to get out of the aforestated sea of di-hydrogen monoxide. He began to swear in his mind over and over again, but he was doing this for a reason. The reason was this: swearing repeatedly produces hot air which collects in the head. When there is too much hot air to be contained in the head it rushes down the spine and out the buttock, creating an effect much like that on a space shuttle take-off. But unfortunately for Vednes this time he swore too much and too much hot air came too quickly into the head and explosion of the brain followed swiftly thus killing the man/weird guy. The man whom Vendesday was named after was no more…

The Vednesday Chapters

Aaron Bradford

Kirribilli, Australia

  • Artist
    Notes

Artist's Description

A very random and unpredictable short story about a man called Vednes, written in a 70-minute maths lesson.

Note: Does not contain maths

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