I wrote this a while back, it’s the start of a short story. But I’m not to sure if the speech is right. Is it easy to work out who is talking or just plain confusing? Any general comments would be appreciated as well. Thanks….

“I’m sure your blood is brown, with all the chocolate you eat,” cried Tamara, “I bet your brain is too.” She was right, I do like chocolate, but I’m sure I don’t eat that much. She’s just jealous. I eat whatever I like yet I am tall and skinny, whilst she eats rabbit food all the time and is fat and ugly. Well maybe not that ugly. That’s just me being her brother. All brothers think their sisters are ugly, right?

I do like my daily chocolate fix, or my twice daily serve of scrumptious, melt in your mouth, divine chocolate bar. It rocks. I don’t think I could function without it. It makes me feel like a God, I reckon chocolate is the food of Gods. And anyway, if it wasn’t good for you they wouldn’t sell it at our school canteen. Aren’t they only supposed to sell healthy stuff like salads, fruit and juice? Oh, I don’t think hotdogs or pies are that healthy, nor fizzy drinks or lollies and they still sell them. But chocolate is healthy. It has milk in it, and sometimes fruit, nuts, caramel, peppermint… Ooohhh, I need a choc fix right now.

“Stop put that back it’s nearly dinner time you’ll spoil your appetite I don’t cook for you to throw it in the bin no buts, just do as I say.”
“Yes Mum.” Oh crikey, I don’t know if I’ll last. I really need some chocolate. Maybe I could sneak a tiny piece…
“What, do you think I am blind? Mothers can see everything so put it back NOW!”
Bugger, sprung! What am I going to do now? I don’t know if I’ll last until after dinner. I haven’t had any since recess because I had soccer training straight after school. Oh just one bit would do… Hmm, I’m feeling kinda funny, sweating a bit- is it hot in here? The kitchen is spinning… blurry… ahhh…

“Hello there, I’m Doctor Greene. How are you feeling?”
“Huh? Where am I? What happened?”
“You’re in hospital. You collapsed at home and we’re trying to work out why. You’re parents are outside. I’ll get them for you.”
Crikey, what’s happened? The last thing I remember is the kitchen spinning. Wow, this’s way out weird. Wait ‘til I tell the kids at school.

“I told you that you’d die from chocolate poisoning, you stupid boy. I told you it wasn’t good for you. But did you bother to listen to your sister? Nooo, no one ever listens to me.”
“Cut it out, Tamara. You’re brother isn’t well. Keep it up and you can go and stay with your grandmother.”
“Hmph. Yes Dad.”
“How you feeling, mate?”
“Ok, I guess Dad. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Well your mother called me and said you were in an ambulance on your way to hospital so I told the boss I had to go.”
“Oh, ok. Thanks.”
“Hi Doc, what’s wrong with my boy? Why’d he pass out?”
“Well I’d like to run a few more tests to see if we can work out what happened. I‘ll just take some blood now.”

Hi Johnah. Yes, your dialogue is fine that it matches natural speech. Rule of thumb with dialogue is “one paragraph per speaker” e.g:

Joe said, “hello.”

“Hi Joe,” said Mary.

That way, less confusion of whose saying what especially when the dialogue is running on it’s own, eg:

“What’s your plans for the weekend?”

“Nothing much.”

There are exceptions (but only a few).

“I’m sure your blood is brown, with all the chocolate you eat,” cried Tamara, “I bet your brain is too.”

She was right, I do like chocolate, but I’m sure I don’t eat that much. She’s just jealous. I eat whatever I like yet I am tall and skinny, whilst she eats rabbit food all the time and is fat and ugly. Well maybe not that ugly. That’s just me being her brother. All brothers think their sisters are ugly, right?

I do like my daily chocolate fixes, or my twice daily serve of scrumptious, melt in your mouth, divine chocolate bar. It rocks. I don’t think I could function without it. It makes me feel like a God, I reckon chocolate is the food of Gods. And anyway, if it wasn’t good for you they wouldn’t sell it at our school canteen. Aren’t they only supposed to sell healthy stuff like salads, fruit and juice? Oh, I don’t think hotdogs or pies are that healthy, nor fizzy drinks or lollies and they still sell them. But chocolate is healthy. It has milk in it, and sometimes fruit, nuts, caramel, peppermint… Ooohhh, I need a choc fix right now.

“Stop put that back it’s nearly dinner time you’ll spoil your appetite I don’t cook for you to throw it in the bin no buts, just do as I say.” Mum scorned.

“Yes Mum.”

Oh crikey, I don’t know if I’ll last. I really need some chocolate. Maybe I could sneak a tiny piece…

“What, do you think I am blind? Mothers can see everything so put it back NOW!”

Bugger, sprung! What am I going to do now? I don’t know if I’ll last until after dinner. I haven’t had any since recess because I had soccer training straight after school. Oh just one bit would do… Hmm, I’m feeling kinda funny, sweating a bit- is it hot in here? The kitchen is spinning… blurry… ahhh…

“Hello there, I’m Doctor Greene. How are you feeling?” came an unfamiliar voice.

“Huh? Where am I? What happened?”

“It’s alright. You’re in hospital. You collapsed at home and we’re trying to work out why. You’re parents are outside. I’ll get them for you.” he said soothingly.

Crikey, what’s happened? The last thing I remember is the kitchen spinning. Wow, this’s way out weird. Wait ‘til I tell the kids at school.

“I told you that you’d die from chocolate poisoning, you stupid boy. I told you it wasn’t good for you. But did you bother to listen to your sister? Nooo, no one ever listens to me.” Tamara sneered as she stormed into the room.

“Cut it out, Tamara. You’re brother isn’t well. Keep it up and you can go and stay with your grandmother.” Dad snapped back.

“Hmph. Yes Dad.” Tamara retreated.

“How you feeling, mate?” Dad asked.

“Ok, I guess Dad. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Well your mother called me and said you were in an ambulance on your way to hospital so I told the boss I had to go.” He replied , with a hint of gratitude in his voice. He was really busy at work of late.

“Oh, ok. Thanks.”

Dad turned to the side. “Hi Doc, what’s wrong with my boy? Why’d he pass out?”

“Well I’d like to run a few more tests to see if we can work out what happened. I‘ll just take some blood now.”

thanks KSeriphyn