Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Critique/Feedback? :)

Hmm, don’t have any advice to offer. It’s quite enjoyable. Ahh, all those that create face that dilemma … what to write, paint, sculpt, photo, etc…. e.g. How to narrate a particular story? To use oils vs acrylics? What medium for sculpting? Transform image from camera or not? …What to do when one’s inspiration has taken a temporary hiatus? Usually don’t resort to drinking though … but I guess it worked for him. :-)

A subject that is easily identifiable for a reader. A writer in particular … getting the story from your head to paper brings some satisfaction … some goal accomplished.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Critique/Feedback? :)

This piece was more of an experiment, a muddle of thoughts put on paper.
Any advice you could give me would be much appreciated :)

The Playwright

The candle burned low, the wax dripping in puddles on the battered wood table. He was bent low, his sharp nose nearly grazing his blank sheet of paper. He closed his tired eyes and inhaled deeply – the room smelt stale, he thought with disgust.
Drumming his pen, he watched the lambent flickering flame gyrating round the wick – transfixed.
Think.
The word slipped from his mouth, almost unconsciously, like a whisper of mingled desperation and frustration.
Think.
He repeated. This time the word sounded almost imperious. It rang softly; reverberating in his half-empty, long-necked bottle, chilling his spine.
The command was simple, embedding itself into his mind as his pencil tapped rhythmically faster on the battered wooden surface. It followed the movement like a chant, nudging itself against his heavily creased forehead.

This was it.
Everything depended on this. His life hung on this frayed deadline. If it wasn’t completed before the next morning --
He ran his hands through his hair, pulling loose pieces out. His haggard face was lined with worldly worries as he surveyed his surroundings- a room, a desk and hard ground. This was his life. Was he really losing anything?
The playwright sighed.

He moped his brow, letters trickling down – and sucked his pen, relishing the ink, tasting the words against his parched tongue. He let the words sit in his mouth, swirling them around, testing them with closed eyes and deaf ears.
They dribbled down his stubble-lined chin.
He felt the words against his frost chilled hands – felt them slip between his fingers, rub against his palms, splotch his thumbs.
He took them in with a deep breath – felt them fill his lungs, intoxicate his senses.
They flowed fiery, warming his insides, coursing through his veins.

And then with a rush of exhalation – exultation perhaps – they all spilled forward, stumbling over each other, hurrying on to his page as he scribbled furiously – his mind far outpacing his seemingly woefully slow hand.

They formed in pools, collected in corners and he weaved them together seamlessly – threading the beaded droplets of thought, wielding his rejuvenated pen.

He came up for breath, after what seemed like hours, drenched in sweat and the happiness of satisfaction. He felt thirsty, dehydrated of words, eyeing his page hungrily with the voracious appetite of a writer that consumed him and licked his insides.

It was done.
He leaned back on his rickety chair and knocked back his dusty bottle so that its remnants quelled his raging insides. It numbed his senses as he gave his table a tipsy lopsided grin.

The candle had burned itself into a wispy-smoke spiting stump.
He looked to the window as the first rays of morning sunlight spilled through the moth-bitten curtains.
He had made it.

He got up, a spark coursing through his battered body. He dusted down his only shirt, flicking off the grime from the knees of his bitten pants.
Grabbing his manuscript, he leaped to the door and slammed it as he ran out, his words trailing behind him.

He knocked on the door, burst in with heaving gasps of breaths and laid down the first and only draft of his manuscript under the distasteful gaze of his cigar-puffing, beady-eyed, three-piece suited boss.

He sat down, sunlight fresh on his collar, brow glistening with triumph, unbothered by the engulfing plumes of smoke billowing towards him.

He allowed himself to sneak a quick smile.
Maybe he didn’t have much to save.
But if he still had something worth keeping, he was going to keep fighting like hell to survive.

The words tasted good against his tongue. They tingled.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / How to post a photo with my writing?

thanks a lot;)

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / How to post a photo with my writing?

I hope this link works
As it should be quite helpful if it does… :)

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / How to post a photo with my writing?

how can i enclose a photo or video to my writing?
is that possible?

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Checklist for Evaluating Fiction

How to Read a Book by Adler & Van Doren

This may not be exactly what you were looking for, but it’s a marvelous resource!
http://www.amazon.com/How-Read-Book-Touchstone/...

Here’s a great summary of the book
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1MTJISBN263DQ/ref...

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Dinner Time (453 words)

Wow. That certainly was a twist, and not at all where I thought the Story was going. Well done. But one question… What kind of fish are they?

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Checklist for Evaluating Fiction

Hi Bradley,
Gar! I can’t remember where i saw a really good one recently. Sorry.
In the meantime, here are some webpages i found that seem quite good. Don’t now how comprehensive you’d like them to be, but these few are worth a look-see at any rate.
Good luck!

http://www.fictionfactor.com/articles/critiquin...

http://www.sfwa.org/writing/hc_critique.htm (specific to sci fi but still handy)

http://www.webdreamer.com/gross_fiction_mistake...

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Checklist for Evaluating Fiction

Would anyone have a checklist or guide for evaluating specific elements of a piece of fiction, such as description, dialog, plot, etc? I know that a good piece of writing often does not lend itself to this type of quantitative analysis but it is a good way to dig into a work and see what makes it tick.

But I can’t find a good one.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / Dinner Time (453 words)

I’m new here and would appreciate any comments or criticism you have of the following:

DINNER TIME

Karl Bielig stood before the glass, unable to hear the desperate battle that played out before him, and only absently aware of the melee.

“Karl Bielig, Brigadeführer of the SS.” He whispered the words to the empty room. He tried it again, more loudly this time. “Brigadeführer Karl Bielig. It has a nice ring to it, he thought, proud of his new rank of Brigade Leader.

A body hit the plate glass hard as a violent skirmish suddenly erupted, drawing his attention away from his self-regard. Daily rations had just been dolled out and the resulting fracas always made for interesting viewing. They knew from long experience there would be no more today, and not always the next day either, depending on his schedule. No morsel of food went to waste. Only the barest minimum was provided, resulting in regular clashes. They seemed to manage though; none had died recently and, besides, more were readily available. They were cheaply and easily replaced. As a collective they served as a source of amusement, but as individuals they meant nothing to him.

He mused at the god-like quality of his responsibility to them, ruling, as he did, over every aspect of their inconsequential lives. He decided what time the lights came on and when they went out. They ate only if he fed them and their environment was cleaned upon his word alone. The strong survived; the sick and feeble were left to fend for themselves, while the others circled, eyeing the failing flesh speculatively.

A knock came at the open door.

“What is it?” asked Bielig, without turning from the spectacle.

“Sir, your dinner is served. Where shall I set it?” Private Otto Lenz entered, carrying a tray laden with steaming meat and vegetables, set on fine china. The clearest of spring waters was kept cool by ice that tinkled lightly inside thick-cut crystal glass. Heavy silverware was rolled in a pristine white linen napkin, and all was carefully displayed.

Bielig turned, slowly pulling himself from his reverie.

“Put it there,” Bielig said, pointing to the desk.

Lenz was more than a little awed by the reputation Bielig had as a fearless commander whose unflinching actions had rocketed him through the ranks of the SS. Lenz was proud to be working under his direction and felt he could learn a lot from this man. Setting the tray on the desk, he turned to leave.

“Schütze Lenz,” Bielig addressed the young man, who stopped, waiting for more. Bielig walked toward the desk and waved a careless hand in the direction of the large fish tank he’d been observing. “See to it that’s cleaned while I’m away tomorrow afternoon. You are dismissed.”

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / These bones

I was going to ask if anyone knew what temperature bones burnt best at but google helped me out… in case you’re wondering, you should set your crematorium at 760-1150 degrees celsius (that’s 1400-2100 degrees F)

And in case you’re really wondering, I needed to know for the Wishbone sequel currently titled Wishful Thinking

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / 3rd person story

Here or There

I realized that I am really bad at switching tenses, if you notice any spots please let me know, or anything else to awkward sentences.

Any help would be very much appreciated.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New story

Just the first bit written, but i woudl like a bit of criticim on story line so far and wording if possible? Compliments are always nice too! :D

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / tiny details?

I have to agree with Andrew here. Im not exactly sure what role your angel plays in the story or what reasons the wings have been made wet, but associating senses with feellings is a rather powerful tool when used tastefully. Some great Authors such as Dante, Hemingway and O’henry all have done this.

Another tool would be to refrence another piece of literature. Ill give an example from Dantes Inferno. In that epic poem Dante travels through 9 circles of hell. All through the poem and specifficaly during the 8th circle (I think), he remarks what a horrible stench there is. This is due to the torture of human sools by immersing them in feces. If your angel was evil or fallen and some how been through the pits of hell you could say the following:

The water dripped of his wings and gathered into a puddle a ground. The putrid smell of his wet feathers reminded all those around of the journey he made through those nine dark circles of hell. Oh, but the smell was of bitter sweetness to him. Now, he was finally free from that dark world into wich God had him thrown. He had escaped! The smell could only now be the smell of sweet revenge’s call.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / A Competition Entry

Light on dark wings

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / A Competition Entry

Hey guys I need some help with another short story. Its for the SPUTNIK57 short story competition. Again I am open to any negative or positive feedback.

I hope that this story is a little better than the Lilliyth one. The story is light on dark wings.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

Thank you RandomAlex for the criticism, yeah I have to improve alot of my writting skills…badly. I can get were you are comming from and as soon as possible will correct my errors and fix it all up ^^

Sabbath

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

Hi Sabbath. I’m happy to read and send you a review. I’ll bubblemail you the details when I’m done.

[Updated]: Phew! I’ve bmail’d a lengthy review that I hope will help. Drop me a line if you have questions or need more.

Cheers.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

So you say.

I remain unconvinced.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

… which is why I leave a stray apostrophe in, every now and then.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

I choose to think that it is ‘particular’, not stroppy! And I don’t think I noticed any apostrophes or lack thereof – a few commas instead of full stops, though!

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

Believe me – she becomes really stroppy over apostrophes.

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

Some thoughts then…

*Make sure your punctuation is right! (Picky, true, but it’s something that always puts me off; I know this is a work in progress, but thought I’d mention it.) Also the tenses – choose either past or present tense. If you want to stick with the intro, it has to be past.
*The intro is too long – it needs to be punchier, to hook people in immediately. The ‘well’ in particular drags it out.
*The bit about the baby brother – doesn’t make sense in the context
*The premise of her being abused nightly seems… unlikely. And there seems little reason for it, too. I understand it can be senseless violence, but still – I feel there needs to be some pretext for it.
*I don’t think Lilliyth nor Deltaia are very German names
*"Deltaia smiled happily, … she turned back and snorted" – what?
*Is this WW2, or just randomly Germany? She wouldn’t know it was a boy, if the former.
*How can Deltaia get away with helping her? Wouldn’t he be annoyed?
*Not bloody or gorey??

I didn’t read all of it, I’m afraid… it’s too long, and it doesn’t seem to have a point. If you want to keep the whole resistance idea (I skimmed to the end), it should be a sequel – this would be better finishing with her conquest. Although to be honest, that bit didn’t make much sense.

Ask Empress – she’ll tell you how narky I can be. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive, but you did ask for criticism, so… I think the general idea has merit, but there needs to be more explanation and – especially for a short story – less waffle. I don’t know who it was – a female author from the 40s maybe? – but someone said you have to be prepared to kill your darlings when you write; that is, be prepared to cut a bit you love if it will help the story. I do hope this helps! (which might sound silly, but I’ve only said the stuff above to help make it a better story.)

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / New short story

I have been working on this piece for a month and wanted to share it with the world. Though be warned it is a horror tale, its not bloody or gorey but it will bring chills to your spine.

I would love to have some critisism, telling me if it any good, what the flaws are and all that good stuff. Also if horror is a good genre for me to right.

Lilliyth

Topic: Feedback and Suggestions on a piece of writing / tiny details?

is that a good or a bad ‘Oh dear’ Empress? have I gone off on a tangent (like normal)