Jokes Thread

After all the very serious topics lately i think it’s about time we lighten things up and post some funny stuff here. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an image or a joke. Just try and make the good people of redbubble smile.
Here goes a T’shirt design that made me laugh whist doing it,

I can’t believe you lot are that unfunny. Come on !
OK Here’s a joke for you

Adam is sitting under a tree in the garden of Eden looking rather sad and lonely.
The big guy upstairs sees this and thinks to himself, that he must do
something to make Adams life a little more interesting.
So Adam is sitting there when the almighty’s voice speaks from above.
“Adam I’m going to make you a companion. She will be your wife, someone who will care for you in every way”
Adam looks up to the heavens in amazement. “thank you Lord”
“Adam, She will love you, she will do all your cooking, she will wash and iron your loin cloth”
Carry on my Lord” says Adam
“Adam she will tend to your every need, She will wash you and make your life complete in every way.”
“Carry on my Lord” says Adam
“There is one condition to this Adam. She is going to cost you an arm and a leg!
“Sod that my Lord! What do I get for a rib?

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn’t show up.
Ken didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Larry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Ken didn’t know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day,
Ken approached the park and - lo and behold - there sat Larry!
Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
“For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?”
Larry replied, “I have been in jail.”
“Jail?” cried Ken. “What in the world for ?”
“Well,” Larry said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Ken, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Rape is never funny.

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when he happened across a tiny little mouse. He looked down at the mouse and said a a very low deep voice,” My but you’re small”, to which the mouse replied, in a very highpitched squeaky voice, “Yes I’ve been Sick!

No animals were harmed in the telling of this joke!

STOP RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!

(say yes)

When you’re drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

Must admit this “popular” thing here on redbubble has got wiskers on it.

haha frogster…too true

OK..it’s only fun

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. You’re exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
4. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.
5. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it’s a national tradition.
6. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
7. . You can legally kill yourself – You can legally be killed.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you’ve never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries (Well who hasn’t eh?)
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to join wars late
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth -When you’re not – At all!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope
5. You can go skiing in your knickers
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere
8. You don’t need to worry about land prices rocketing – it’s fairly spacious
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and sex acts with penguins – and they believe you
10. You can actually get bored with blondes

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup-doo-dah, doo-dah
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week – whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain’t English!
2. You ain’t English!
3. You ain’t English!
4. You ain’t English!
5. You ain’t English!
6. You ain’t English!
7. You ain’t English!
8. You ain’t English!
9. You ain’t English!
10 You ain’t English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 b.c.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability?
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You’ve got to be joking?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don’t agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge f* shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great grandfather was a murdering bar steward that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity. NOT!
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A GERMAN:

1. You do not WANT to go to the Oktoberfest, you know it is sht
2. Cheap fantastic beer
3. Behave like you want, everybody hates you anyway
4. Expensive fantastic cars
5. Unlimited Autobahn
6. Who else lost two world wars??
7. Who else in europe won three world cups :) :) :-) ??
8. You can buy all neighbour countries…
9. But you are not stupid, you rent them in the summer
10. Get to own all the deckchairs in Majorcan hotels

Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!, mren you should put this on a T.Shirt!!

hahahaha the expression, thats great

btw kev they were funny most of them, the australian one was obviously half arsed by whoever wrote it lol

yep no Aussie drinks Fosters unless it’s the only beer

Just a bit of fun. XD

Once there was a monastry… And in this monastry lived a priest and 100 nuns. One day, the priest called an emergency meeting of the entire monastry population. The priest says to his 100 strong audience:
“Last night someone came into the monastry unauthorised.” – 99 nuns gasp, 1 nun tries to stifle her laughter.
The priest continued: “It was a man, and he picked the lock to get into the sleeping rooms.” – 99 nuns gasp, 1 nun tries to stifle her laughter.
“It is believed that this man removed his clothing.” – 99 nuns gasp, 1 nun tries to stifle her laughter.
“He was wearing a condom” – 99 nuns gasp, 1 nun tries to stifle her laughter.
“The condom had a hole in it.” – 1 nun gasps, 99 nuns try to stifle their laughter.

omg tazz. the monastry joke

XD i thought you would enjoy it.

lol i has newb. brilliant

It Begins Young

Joke:

Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over and try to sleep.
He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock at the window.
He opened his eyes to see a jogger who asked him the time.
‘It’s 8.10” he said, and went back to sleep.

He had just dozed off again, when there was another knock.
‘What’s the time?’ asked a hiker.
‘8.25’
fed up by now, he put a sign in the window which read ‘I don’t know what time it is!!!!’

Knock, knock – feeling annoyed at being woken yet again, he wound down the window, scowling.
‘What???’ he shouted at a Boy Scout.
“It’s 8.45, sir’ he was told.

Seeing as there seems to be a cat appreciation society on RB

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

 Pick cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Slide pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandaid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat Take last pill from foil wrap….
And so on….........

Bidkev. I laughted until I was sick!