Redbubble Devils

I am late today, have been at work all day and as I was about to upload my journal our internet crashed so I am doing this late from home now. Well that’s Monday almost done and I had better hurry before it becomes Tuesday. Hope you had a good day bubblers and here is today’s mirth. I just love these /   / Things you only say at Christmas! /   / 1. I prefer breasts to legs / 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. / 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! / 4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst! / 5. I’ve never seen a better spread! / 6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. / 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? / 8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it? / 9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some! / 10. Don’t play with your meat. / 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. / 12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once / 13.I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time! / 14.You still have a little bit on your chin. / 15. How long will it take after you put it in? / 16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up. / 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. / 18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had! / 19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning / 20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!

Well that’s half the weekend gone and another month, pinch punch the first of the month and no return LOL, I haven’t said that since my school days….......and that was a long time ago. Have a peaceful and relaxed Sunday bubblers Today’s medicine is from the great man himself / Mr Tommy Cooper and below are some of his jokes they may be old and a bit silly but having read them over and over some still make me laugh out loud. .......................................................................... Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-- Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-- “Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “ “Is it common? “ “It’s not unusual.” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “ “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his / teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “ “No, because he’s really heavy” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-——- “Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.” “Well you can’t say fairer than that then” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Two elephants walk off a cliff…... boom boom! —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.’” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-——- “So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-——- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— ” So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’ —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are / 5 / people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang / up,and / he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted / again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.’ —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you / give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for / it.’ —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, / and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said ” I haven’t seen you in a long time “ The man replied “I know I’ve been ill” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— A man walked into the doctors, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said “well don’t go to those places” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Two blonde’s walk into a building….......you’d think at least one of them would have seen it. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Phone answering machine message - ”...If you want to buy marijuana…..........press the hash / key…” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he / couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel . —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat slob!” —-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-— Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a / small / two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far / and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Good morning bubblers, It’s the weekend and for most of us no work but plenty to do at home so remembering the list of things I have to do and thinking of all of you I’m found some wonderful smiles for us to start or even end the day with. This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  Unbelievable, / but supposedly all true!!!!   /   =================================   Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have? Female customer:   A white one… =============== Customer:   Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. / Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button? / Customer:  Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. / Tech support:  That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note / Customer:  No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my / desk.. sorry…. =============== Tech support:   Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. / Customer:   Your left or my left?    =============== Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you? / Female customer:   Hello… I can’t print. / Tech support: Would you click on “start”  for me and… / Customer:  Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I ‘m not Bill / Gates.   =============== Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I / try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’.  I’ve even lifted the printer and placed / it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…   =============== Customer:  I have problems printing in red… / Tech support:  Do you have a color printer? / Customer:  Aaaah….................thank you.   =============== Tech support:  What’s on your monitor now, ma’am? / Customer:  A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.   =============== Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore. / Tech support:   Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? / Customer:  No. I can’t get behind the computer. / Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. / Customer:!   OK / Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you? / Customer:  Yes / Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another / keyboard? / Customer:  Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work..    =============== Tech support:   Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital / letter V as in Victor, the number 7. / Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?   =============== Customer:  can’t get on the Internet. / Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password? / Customer:  Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. / Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was? / Customer:  Five stars.    =============== Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use? / Customer:  Netscape / Tech support:  That’s not an anti-virus program. / Customer:  Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.     =============== Customer:    I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my / computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.   =============== Tech support:  How may I help you? / Customer:  I’m writing my first e-mail. / Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem? / Customer:  Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the / circle around it?     =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. / Tech support:  Are you running it under windows? / Customer:  ”No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The / man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is / working fine.”   =============== And last but not least… Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same / time That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the / letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.” / Customer:  I don’t have a P. / Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob. / Customer:   What do you mean? / Tech support:  ”P”.....on your keyboard, Bob. / Customer:  I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! Hahahahaha!!!!