Potentially Published High

I was looking at a few pictures from graduation and from a friend’s graduation party, and I just got that feeling. That one where I miss everyone terribly. I mean, these people were pretty much my life. Yea, I have my family, and they mean the world to me. I love them, and they know that, or at least they should. But my friends were the family I got to choose, the people like me, the people who CHOSE to like me. So many of them have gone away and I feel as if I am missing an arm or something. Everyone has started on their path, started their lives, and I am here, not moving forward, just standing still. When will my life start? Will it start when I find out whether or not the Academy wants me? What will I do if the Academy doesn’t want me, never wants me? I am 99.9% sure that the Academy is my future, that the Academy is where I should be, but what about that .01%? What if I discover something that doesn’t make me want to go, that makes me want to stay? What if I discover someone who makes me want to stay? I am so worried that I will make nothing of myself, so worried about what I will become. I’m not the drug-using, slutty teen mother that my sister hoped to make me, but I am not anything. I am just here, just waiting. It’s just one of those days where I can’t see what I’m doing, where I’m going. Perhaps this is just one of those idiotically weak moments, where I am missing everyone. An idiotically weak moment; yea, that’s what I’m going to title this. / I’m just in that mood where I want to cry, cry with loss, confusion, uncertainty. / So now what? Now that I am out of high school, I have no sense of purpose. At least when I was in school, I had something to work for, work towards. I think that is one of the reasons I want to take Japanese…so that I have something to work on, work towards, something that will help keep me focused on the Academy. But I don’t know. Perhaps today is just one of those days; perhaps this is just an idiotically weak moment.

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