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10 Dating tips for the lonely Nerd So, you’ve decided you’re lonely and that it’s time for you to crawl out from that hole you’ve been hiding in and go find a girlfriend? The… Anatomy of a text message Hey, I just got this text message from my girlfriend, yeah that’s right I have a girlfriend and she’s real! Anywho I just got this text fro… Thoughts of a man in love Day 1 / Crowded public transport / On a wet Monday morning in November / What could be worse? / …Well, I suppose trapped in a lift with / J… Lonely level 53 Wizard seeking female Hello, I’ve been single for erm lets see… err four… five… carry the one…erm… since birth, and I feel it’s probably time I found a nice girl… Featured Work Thank you to these groups… Dirty Little Secret NSFW Thoughts in a supermarket God I hate shopping! / Way too much walking involved / If only I had one of those Segways / Then I wouldn’t have to take a single step / Oo… Dear Guitar From: Paul Hickson <> / To: / Sent: Sunday, 20 May, 2012 22:19:13 / Sub… Fathers and Sons So erm… my Dad and I are currently not on speaking terms. We were watching a game show earlier and I correctly answered a question ab… Thoughts in an exam I am so effing tired / God why did I stay up all night watching Sex and the city / Damn you Sarah Jessica Parker and your hilarious mishaps… The Procrastination Schedule 7:00 am – Wake up to the sound of the alarm clock, which was primed the night before specifically to get up early and begin working on that… Muff Diver I don’t know why it happens to be true / But muff divin’s among my favorite things to do. The Mariachi Band Please listen to this while you read… / [Video] / I am haunted by five ghosts / Each one as terrifying as the last / They follow me f… Paul Hickson’s “Photography top tips … Photography top tip number 1 – Always remember to remove the lens cap / Photography top tip number 2 – Any image looks good in … The Rant I just bought Pretty Woman on DVD and to my horror found that the deleted scenes have been omitted from the DVD bonus features!! I am so fi… My newest Comic Strip – Critique Please! My newest Comic Strip – Critique Please! / “The Interview Question” ComicStrip by Lisa C. Weber ©2008 FAQ’s (Frequently Asked Questions) Q. Why do dogs hate cats so much? / A. Dogs have had a hatred for cats ever since Andrew Lloyd Webber produced the hit musical “Cats&… Hook, Line, And Thinker (World’s Worse Fish… There are plenty of fish in the sea. If one does not want to know me is “that’s their net loss”. It’s my own fish p… The Monkey’s Top 11: Eleven Facts I Hold t… 1. – If I were you, I’d be reading this right now.* There’s a Jack Nicholson under my bed! When I was a child, my big brother used to tell me stories of horrible slimy monsters with enormous feet and big googly eyes, not unlike th… “Don’t be stupid!” Some people came into this world just to help others fulfill their true potential. / I mean, they keep telling you how far you are from you… How to queue in Russia (a practical guide) Part 1 No one in the world knows better how to stand in a queue than the Russians. Alright, some nations might contest this fact. Many folks might… New Years resolutions 1. Stop making fun of celebrities such as Sylvester Stallone, we have to be nice to them, they have a hard enough time as it is. By the way… Why I Write…I Guess I rave about this I rant about that / I ain’t rich enough…I’m too fucking fat. LIE-DOWN COMEDY So many people keep bugging me over EXERCISE… FAQ’s (Frequently Asked Questions) 2 Q. What’s the current protocol for letting a girl know you like them? / A. Erm I’m pretty certain it’s still the same as … Fogged Mirrors As we grow old, get a little slow, things change / And it seems like our body gets rearranged / Sags and bags are not meant to see / So I t… How to queue in Russia (a practical guide) Part 2 You need to have your passport to buy a train ticket. Actually, you will need your passport to do pretty much anything in Russia. Even for … Just Good Ol’ Fun Wax the carrot / Spank the monkey / Do it like some darned sex junky. / Do it standing / Or have a seat / Ain’t no wrong way / To beat your… ’Twas the Night Before Bubbling ’Twas the night before Bubbling and all through the site / There were people uploading in big mega-bites. A funny but true story about a Fox Pup A friend of mine relayed this story to me this evening over the phone. It was so funny i just had to share it with you. / Two older men had… Being Different, by Ellen Hecht © 2012 All … Martha’s friends had come up with the idea. They were always coming up with this kind of weird stuff. The Rant 2 You will not believe this! I just went to watch a highly informative Youtube video on skateboarding monkeys, and to my surprise the popular… The Clown of Death The Clown of Death is coming. / He trundles down the littered streets / of cardboard crusts and sewerage treats The Shawshank Detention Ya know that feeling when you’re incredibly bored and time just seems to inexplicably stand still? Well that’s pretty much what Mr Shawshan… The Mumbles Living in a lighthouse in Wales is a group of creatures called “The Mumbles”. They are small and furry with fast and clever minds and very … The Superhero CV Name / Paul Hickson / Current alias / Captain Environment / Previous aliases / • Gender confused boy/girl / • Generic superhero man / • Th… Things I Sometimes Think Vanilla extract or possibly almond…yes…definitely almond! A LITTLE Q AND A Q. Ya know what really sucks? / A. A good twenty dollar whore. / Q. Beg your pardon? / A. Begging is moot. My pardon is free. / Q. Mind if … The Story that Changed My Life… It’s been almost a year since I had my son and with the separation of time, place and space I can now look back at the experienceR… Feathers Aflutter Above and below / Please say it isn’t so / My feathers are such a mess / I really must confess / A girl for me might see / How messy … How to Eat Pancakes Correctly Pancakes, when eaten correctly, are the most delicious of the major food groups. Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the proper way t… The Buttering of the Sleeve NSFW Connect The Dots And when the connection’s complete ….. Five Fingers to a Hand It’s the collective essence of everywhere that hand has been, from nose to itchy scalp to bathroom break and now it’s in my mou… Second Thoughts Should the shields give… dear me! Family who laugh together -Maybe if i show them, theyll appreciate the hard work done- Jesus and the All-Stars! Episode 1: Massive Squid… ‘Sorry ladies, I must depart,’ said Jesus. ’It’s this whole “saving-the-world” thing. They won’t start without me.’ HELPFUL LETTER FROM THE DEPT OF OVERREGULATION IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT / YOU MUST HAVE A VALID LICENSE ON DISPLAY WHERE YOU / WILL BE DOING NOTHING AT ALL WITH… Mr. Browser I’d be upset if you were dead…. / Now who will be bring me porn? CSI: HUMPTY DUMPTY EXT. CRIME SCENE – NIGHT / Detectives Gruber and Fletcher are at an horrific crime scene involving an egg who has mysteriously died. Police… Let’s Play Dress-Up I guess this long winter is getting to me because yesterday I looked at my male Boston Terrier, named Bosco, and said, “We are now go… The Truth Is Out There I mean, it’s unbelievable. Unimaginable. Even that word that Iron Mike Tyson used to say; What Really Went on on the Ark That night, while everyone slept, one clever little chimp reached his arm through his cage . . . . and the chimp clapped happily as he took… Humantic Tools You should probably not read this, it hasn’t been approved by the Drug and Food Administration. Joke: The Golden Frog NSFW “Splat!!” NSFW Fishing With Grandpa The water roiled around its thrashing tail as it protested its confinement, shaking an errant strand of kelp between elongated jaws as it v… I Fried That Egg I sat upon a stone cold wall / Where once an egg did sit The Problem with Being a Rockstar ’I don’t know if it was the promise of a Karaoke DJ or the whiff of birthday cake that drew the crowd but there was about 70 people i… A funny story He took it home and hid it from his wife, but one day she found it and looked inside. The Great Tape Escapade Maggie loves tape, here employers do not. A take on “Going Postal”. Black and Blue Monday I dragged the man on to the pavement and wasted precious seconds arranging his body into the ‘I’m a little teapot’ pose. Witchy Orange Delights At the very edge of a deep dark forest, where the Oaks stand guard and the enchanted Elm and Beech tree limbs hang low, the Wicked Witch wh… Sharon Sharalike pretty as a flower that is growing in the sun / showing off her petals and denying them to none Dinner In A Bun Here’s a frozen meal in a bun, / See ya later, gotta run. the hyPochoNdrIAc “Though they say, ‘it’s not the size of the boat,’ / it’s still something I wouldn’t share.” Gathering By holding my bag just so— / I finally get the leaves to go— / The wind watches ‘til it’s tight— / Then it tosses my bag like a… and dont forget that When life sucks: spit on it. Top reasons you are a Facebook junkie When your dog needs to go to the bathroom he has to post a request on your Wall The Bravest Bravery comes in many forms / and many an occupation. / The fireman’s game to put out the flame / and goes hurrying out of the statio… 7 funny things about men that annoy women “I’d do her” / It shows us that you are less chivalrous than an ape. Besides, did you ever think that maybe Carrie Underw… It Just So Happened.. (a fragment of wild adventu… .. escaped death by inches .. The Turtle Quadrille “Will you flit a little faster?” said the turtle to a fly. / “There’s a tortoise close behind us, and he’s tr… Personal Ad Armadillo overlords seek killer Rabbis. Glory, Honor and Adventure. Although all the best authorities set aside at least a year for any given adventure, we decided that a week would do if we crammed as much … Dear Trojan Dear Trojan, / we, / the bastards of the world / would like to officially give our thanks. / Thanks for being faulty. / Thank you for simpl… Nap Time At The Beach His friend replies, " You have always been comfortable with your situation. Why all of a sudden are you on this kick to loose weight?&… A Whale Of A Corny Story Thinking to him self how cool his guest will think he is fore having a celebrity attending his cook out. Mark Kurlansky …stories that bit with irony and stories that bled unabated, with the essence of the human spirit spilling across the page like the b… Knight and Dragon A twig snapped under the knight’s foot, sending tremors up his entire body, not to mention echoing loudly in the soundless cave. Quietly sc… A Standing Ovation For The Chef A man and His wife are sitting in a five star restaurant,trying to rekindle the flames of romance. “Trixie is Back!” By Nelle Thceh “I hear you breathing into the phone and I continue to instruct you, talk dirty to you, describe my nude pussy to you and what I̵… All Hail the Atomic Monkey! Behold, the one glowing in green! / Quite a sight, but not so pristine / With his mind he did tinker / Stupid primate, you’ve set off a bli… The Cheese Blog I have never cut a cheese I did not enjoy. / “Who mashed the cabbage?” Cat And Pollen Pollen Powder / Pollen Power / Pollen EVERYWHERE! … Top least liked Thanksgiving Day Parade performan… The National Rifle Association’s helium balloon marksmanship contest Chronocavia (Time travel short story) ‘Hah! Wednesday? Wednesday? We left Wednesday downstairs by the door! It’s Saturday, brother!’ He marched right over the red line fro… Dagnabbit! They’re leaving without me. Early on a foggy morn, / into the murky sky / the early birds fly. / A slacker lags behind / and try as he might … The PASSING Fancy I’m having trouble / passing urine. / I just can’t fight the urge / to stop and take a sip. Top reasons you’re getting nothing from San… Sadly the economy has changed Santa’s’ “Ho Ho Ho” to “Lend me some dough ho ho” Raccoon Moon Full Moon / Sings a tune / Raccoon / Begins to swoon … Cat Fishing Sort Of Cat Fishing Sort Of / Fish got away … No Speaka Da Language Higher up, the scenery disappears behind a veil of mist. Suddenly we squeel to a halt at a chain across the road. Three scruffy children, b… More than the Weather Can be Frightful Oh, when Christmas day finally gets here / Right now, I’ll tell ya, all I wanna see / Are people with scarves and gloves on their hands / A… Is That The 4? It’s the first great day we’ve had without rain since Noah sailed!
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